Sunday, December 08, 2013
I know that I am a failure.
I don't seem to get it through to my head, heart, body, emotions, what ever-that I am supposed to be an achiever.
You see, I have always been an over achiever. If someone said, " You can't do that..." I would find a way to do it.
I had a 'can-do' attitude.
Yet, there is that one thing that really plagues me, and that is not succeeding at losing weight. Oh, I have lost in the past, but it has crept back, some times and then some, if you know what I mean.
I went up, up starting before Thanksgiving.
My morale went
I allowed my emotions to rule over my eating
sadness over losing Doris
having Moses gone, not knowing how he is doing,
assuming he is put to sleep because they have asked me not to mention him.
The death of a father figure this week, the only "grandfather" my daughter knew growing up,
passing 2 more kidney stones, and having severe achilles tendonitis(severed 15 years ago)
Extra medical bills.............. etc, etc.
I ate my way through each episode, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT THE SADNESS, PAIN WOULD NEVER BE SATIATED BY ANY AMOUNT OF FOOD....yet still doing it.
Now the holidays are approaching, I miss my family, my sister who has been with the Lord for 6 years, my parents, my two best friends, my RT... all gone, but never forgotten.
Missed each and every day, but somehow more accutely during the holidays.
My friend, her son, still not seeing that life is worth living, praying, watching, loving, hoping.
Their pain is my pain too.
I got on the scale and saw a number I said I never wanted to see again. It frightened me!
How could I be such a failure, AGAIN????
Yet, this time I did something crazy..........
I stopped, and thought about what I was doing to myself.
I stopped and thought about how I really was feeling, and I cried.
I cried for all the people who are hurting as the holidays come and go.
I cried for the injustices in this world that I can not change, and the grief it gives me.
I cried for my inability to "get it right this time, and to experience the anguish of failure once again."
I cried because some situations I just can't change, and the one that I have control over, I haven't changed.
Then, the last 3 days I got up, I ate right, I moved a little, I stopped berating myself, I started over.
SOME TIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO START OVER
SOME TIMES YOU HAVE TO ALLOW YOURSELF TIME TO GRIEVE OVER THE THINGS YOU CAN'T CHANGE.
YOU think you deserve
LOVE YOUR SELF