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    APHRODIDTE   8,240
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The Ups and Downs..or How to get back on track after failure(again)

Sunday, December 08, 2013

I know that I am a failure.
I don't seem to get it through to my head, heart, body, emotions, what ever-that I am supposed to be an achiever.
You see, I have always been an over achiever. If someone said, " You can't do that..." I would find a way to do it.
I had a 'can-do' attitude.
Yet, there is that one thing that really plagues me, and that is not succeeding at losing weight. Oh, I have lost in the past, but it has crept back, some times and then some, if you know what I mean.
I went up, up starting before Thanksgiving.
My morale went
D
O
W
N

D
O
W
N

D
O
W
N
I allowed my emotions to rule over my eating
sadness over losing Doris
having Moses gone, not knowing how he is doing,
assuming he is put to sleep because they have asked me not to mention him.
The death of a father figure this week, the only "grandfather" my daughter knew growing up,
passing 2 more kidney stones, and having severe achilles tendonitis(severed 15 years ago)
Extra medical bills.............. etc, etc.

I ate my way through each episode, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT THE SADNESS, PAIN WOULD NEVER BE SATIATED BY ANY AMOUNT OF FOOD....yet still doing it.
Now the holidays are approaching, I miss my family, my sister who has been with the Lord for 6 years, my parents, my two best friends, my RT... all gone, but never forgotten.

Missed each and every day, but somehow more accutely during the holidays.
My friend, her son, still not seeing that life is worth living, praying, watching, loving, hoping.
Their pain is my pain too.

So
I
ATE

I got on the scale and saw a number I said I never wanted to see again. It frightened me!
How could I be such a failure, AGAIN????

Yet, this time I did something crazy..........

I stopped, and thought about what I was doing to myself.
I stopped and thought about how I really was feeling, and I cried.
I cried for all the people who are hurting as the holidays come and go.
I cried for the injustices in this world that I can not change, and the grief it gives me.
I cried for my inability to "get it right this time, and to experience the anguish of failure once again."
I cried because some situations I just can't change, and the one that I have control over, I haven't changed.

Then, the last 3 days I got up, I ate right, I moved a little, I stopped berating myself, I started over.

SOME TIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO START OVER

SOME TIMES YOU HAVE TO ALLOW YOURSELF TIME TO GRIEVE OVER THE THINGS YOU CAN'T CHANGE.
SOME TIMES
YOU
HAVE
TO
LEARN
TO
LOVE
YOUR SELF
MORE
THAN

YOU think you deserve
a
n
d

LOVE YOUR SELF
enough

to LIVE


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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHELLS514 12/12/2013 9:23AM

    Dee, thank you for this; your words are my words too, almost perfectly, I so feel your pain and hear your heart and it breaks my heart all that you have been through. We have been to this place of failure many times before but yet here we are, still searching, still reaching out so eventually we will get there; it's all in the Lords time but know it IS coming! I am in the exact same place as you were 3 days ago. I have yet to get back to healthy eating or started over but you have inspired me; we can do this together so I will make a pledge to start over today. Hang in there Dee; you are wonderful, beautiful and so deserving to be truly happy. Love ya sweetie! Your friend, Teri emoticon

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MOMMA_BEAR_69 12/9/2013 9:19PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WALNUTT1961 12/8/2013 9:19PM

    So sorry for all the things that have been going on. I have tears in my eyes reading your blog. I have had the same conversation with myself about things I cannot change and loved ones who have passed on that I miss so much. I am glad you have come through to a better place.

You are worth it. Wish I could give you a hug! Keep pushing through for yourself and your loved ones that are right here.

Praying for you, Lee Ann emoticon

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LOUIE-LILY 12/8/2013 8:15PM

    Hello my friend, I think you are an inspiration...not a failure! Look at all the loss and pain you've had and you continue on. Isn't that all we can do...and you are! I'm proud of you. I know how hard it is to keep trying. Keep going Dee...your Father knows and He will help you!
Have a blessed night dear one...I will say an extra prayer for you this night!
emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/8/2013 8:16:42 PM

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KAREN608 12/8/2013 8:03PM

    To really fail you would not have started over... you derailed into a side track but got yourself switched back on the main track.

I am so glad you did, you inspire me to remember my goals and move forward, again.

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EABL81 12/8/2013 7:55PM

    I think your courage is inspiring. It doesn't matter what we did or didn't do yesterday. It's what we do today and tomorrow that matter. Good for you for renewing your commitment to start again.

emoticon

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PGHP31CK 12/8/2013 12:17PM

    Huge hugs, dear SparkFriend. You ARE worth the effort!!!

I'm so very sorry that you've had so much pain in your life lately--praying that the Lord brings joy to your heart!

Always remember that you are NOT alone. The Lord promises to be with us always. Praying that you'll be surrounded by His comfort and filled with His strength!! And we're all here, too!! Message if you want/need to talk.

Blessings, today & always.

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NHES220 12/8/2013 9:24AM

    So sorry you have had so much going on! You deserve to take care of yourself and get yourself back on track. You are worth the effort! Take care of yourself!

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WEARINGTHIN 12/8/2013 4:17AM

    Way to go. You may have failed at something, but when you fail, you are not a failure. And failing, as it did for you, can lead to learning opportunities Best to you, Glenn

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COCK-ROBIN 12/8/2013 3:46AM

    Very good. You're working through it!

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HAPPYMENOW58 12/8/2013 3:04AM

    Very well done....You have had such turmoil and sadness....It did sound like you needed time to grieve....Keep sparking, keep reading, keep moving...keep TRYING....You are on the road to success because you are becoming so aware! Hugs and best wishes on your healthy journey...You can do it!

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