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Yoga induces terror. Who knew?

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Greetings, Sparkpeeps.

I suppose you're wondering about the title of my blog. Let's just say that self-awareness can be pretty darn scary.

So, I've been feeling pretty stiff from the official House of Karlsson five mile hike on Sunday, followed by biking and more biking (nothing terribly strenuous, just recumbent exercise bike use while working on my book), and a fairly intense bout of strength training so far this week. Today I declared it "Restorative Yoga Day" mostly because I am so stiff and sore that it needs to be done. It's also a day of glorious female problems. I'll just leave it at that.

There is a video on YouTube that I found of this lady in British Columbia leading an hour-long practice, and I did it. I did a few more long stretches, then stood up and looked around the room, feeling pretty good. Then I put my hands on my hips. 'Wow,' I thought. 'She wasn't kidding when she said this practice would help open up the hips. My hips feel twenty feet wide! Heh heh...' I stood there, keeping my hands on my hips, being fully aware of the VASTNESS of space between my hands, and it suddenly dawned on me. 'HOLY ****!!! MY HIPS ARE TWENTY FEET WIDE!!! HOW IN **** DO I EVEN FIT THROUGH DOORS?!?!?' I thought.

I had to sit down. It was an absolutely horrifying realization.

You know that movie called "Shallow Hal"? The one where the guy gets some sort of curse or whatever put on him and he thinks this enormous woman is a major babe? I've never actually seen it, just the trailers, but I know what's going on. I have the whole "Shallow Hal" mindset about myself. I look at myself in the mirror and somehow manage to fool myself into thinking it's not so bad.

Yeah, well, it IS so bad. Holy loving lord. I am a monster. A freak. No wonder people are scared of me in the grocery store. I make a linebacker for Green Bay look dainty.

There goes my peace of mind. I had worked so hard to be able to go out of the house and run errands without feeling self-conscious for all these years, and now I just want to go hide in my room and not come out again.

That's how I FEEL. That is not what I'm actually going to DO, because it's not constructive or helpful. But JEEZ!!! I thought yoga was supposed to be relaxing!

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