No Rainbows Here!
Monday, December 02, 2013
This is not a sunshine and rainbows blog. This is a blog I wrote a few days ago about how I am feeling about my current situation when I wish there was someone to just listen... but I have no internet!
The last few months I have been really unhappy. I remember being unhappy before I joined the Y where I felt I belonged. At the Y there were a collective group of members and employees that were positive and supportive in everything you do. I have not had that kind of support and love in my life except when working at the Y.
Now being an employee at the Y isn’t part of my life and I need to find a way to move on. It is like I have to grieve the Y. In addition to that, I work for a different non-profit, where there is a negative work environment.
I am really struggling with working at this non-profit. They don’t say anything positive and complain all the time. When I came to this area, I was so excited for the opportunity to grow in a new community. Now, it seems so toxic. If they aren’t complaining, they are talking to each other from across the room disturbing everyone else’s work. If they aren’t doing that, they are picking on the newest, smallest gal (me). There have been complaints about what I wear when the ONE time I dress up, they are all up in my business when I am working, telling my boss I am not there enough and who knows what it will be next week.
This is just plain stressful. I try to plug in my headphones and ignore it. It. Does. Not. Help. I leave to do fund development (my job) in person and the entire time I am worried I am away from the desk too much or I am not doing enough while I am away.
So, now I am soaking in all this negatively, stress, and not liking who I am becoming. I thought I’d grow but I am not growing at all. I am going backwards. I haven’t learned anything new in my job. I haven’t been challenged. I have no friends in the area. It’s very lonely.
I break down at least once a week due to stress of work or money. My paycheck is paid at the 90’s poverty level so I can understand how it feels to be poverty. It’s not a proud moment but I am late on my bills and rent constantly. My landlord thinks I am a bad tenant, which my landlords always thought the best of me. I am supposed to get $5,500 towards loans at the end of my term (June). I don’t know if it is worth it anymore. This was supposed to be a good thing where I could grow personally and professionally. It hasn’t been.
I think I need to leave this job. Not because I have gained weight but because I am so unhappy and lonely. I am becoming a negative person. Before I was this happy, inspiring, positive person. Now, I don’t even want to be around me.