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I need to blame myself....

Monday, December 02, 2013

i wont be writing this perfectly because i suppose i am in no mood to be perfect.... i have had some hard lessons in my life and have blamed so many for that pain... but i am seeing now that i can not control people and what they feel inside or how they react to their own pain. i have caused pain to others because i am hurt. what is nuts to me right now is that i always apologize for those hurtful moments i have caused...then i see i am the only one apologizing. how many sorry's are needed from me for people to humble themselves to think wow she sure does apologize to me a lot...and not think... that's right she's apologizing a lot cause she is the one wrong!

my mom has this saying ...if you lower yourself anymore for a person you can start to see your panties... i see now its true! i am too concerned for others feelings way too much actually. i have forgotten what its like to have a real family member or friend. that has lead me on this path of eating my way fat or hating myself cause i think i am the problem. yet i see that i maybe wrong here and there but i am not wrong all the time. i am tired of making others more important than me, of course with respect to my daughter...i shouldnt make others more special than me. i shouldnt seek others as my support system because in the end i suffer when times are tough. i am always concerned if i am talking too negative about my life... always worried about if i am bothering others about my life... i am always wondering if i am annoying others... or if i say the wrong things...if i am too needy.. too anything at all and not concerned of what i want and need.

sharing your life with people is a privilege folks! no one needs anyone other person! we want you in our lives because we saw a beauty in you beyond what others saw. we trusted in you to be in our circle and when you start to think that person is too down to be in your circle anymore because you are going through something...remember who was your cheerleader...remember who was truly on your side... remember if you are going through pain no one is a mind reader and dont assume they are selfish cause they never asked you about you first...or because you never opened your mouth in the first place...or because you tend to keep your life some what a secret...or tell half the truth about yourself...or expect people to be a best friend or amazing girlfriend/boyfriend husband/wife if you arent willing to let go and be exposed cause of your own private pain.

if its that private dont be so upset that people are there for you or that people suck or are negative or that people always hurt you and dont understand you and your needs. being condescending, arrogant, a martyr doesnt make you cool at all! in fact it makes people not want to ask you how you are doing because they think you are ok all the time even if you arent. pretending nothing is wrong is the wrong way to keep life make life a facade. does it mean to always have problems? nooooo!!! it means your human! if you ever have a friend that their life is in the dumps and you cant believe no way in the world that this person doesnt have something good to talk about and their life seems pathetic... think about that for a moment and see who in the world wants to live in that misery NO ONE DOES... they just cant figure it out right now! but dont give up on them. HOPE is all we have left and to ruin that...well then what is left.

HOPE is the reason we are in this journey in the first freaking place...because we HOPE we can change our lives in a positive way...because we HOPE we can change others in a positive way no matter if they seem hopeless...HOPE to be 100% happy and healthy... HOPE to be done with all that hurts and to inspire the world!

dont push that person to the side and end it cause you cant handle things. then maybe you really arent that strong in the first place. because the answer isnt give up on that friend or that wife or that family member...the answer is give them space support them from a distance and always remind them you love them no matter what. let them fall from far but dont give up on them. cause then what the hell is the purpose? how easy is it really to just start over? not so very easy at all!! look at this weight loss as an many times have you started over and thought why did i do this to myself?!

when it comes to relationships and its crappy as hell and you are being hurt really hurt then i can see you leaving... though it takes two people to ruin something...think about things... that person wasnt always so nasty to you...

with that being said i am now going to be accountable for myself by myself cause i feel at this moment i am very disappointed in friendship, family and my boyfriend... counting on others to push me or love me was the worst thing i have ever done to myself. it seemed like a great idea at first but then i started to lean on them so much that i feel they forgot to share back and started to look at me in a different light their "goal" of what not to be...they started to see me as pathetic...sad...unhappy...sic
complaining... instead of the girl that cares for them..loves them and took care of them when they were down....their cheerleader even if she isnt happy! the end they were becoming stronger/judgmental by listening to my pain forgetting thats not what the purpose of opening up is about....its about being their cheerleader even if crap has hit the fan!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Dear Ginger, I can understand many of the thoughts and cares you have shared on this blog. I can relate to being hurt deeply. You are right it is hard to find good friends, people who will stick with you through thick and fin. People who will listen without judging. People who will openly share when they too are hurting, disillusioned and in pain.
    I am glad you shared your heart with us.
    Please know that I am here for you. You did such a wonderful job when you took on a leadership position. I know you inspired me to get moving.
    There is a time to step back and just do you. I remember doing this years ago. I just wanted to be Relisa. I did not want to be known for what my title was, but I wanted to be known as a person, as a young woman who had cares and concerns. A young woman who wanted to feel belonging, like many young women do.
    I pray that God bless you today. That he encourage your heart. That he bring healing to the area where you have been hurt.
    Your friend In Christ,
    1359 days ago
    Ginger true friends are hard to find and when you find them hang on for dear life. Friends do not put conditions on the relationship, they accept you for who you are faults and all. For we all have fallen short of the glory of God and none are perfect but one. And His name is Jesus. First sweetie accept yourself just as you are and then accept your boyfriend as he is. Then work on your relationship with God for their is only one and I promise you things will start coming together. And again please come back to the team when you are ready. I really did like your innovative ideas on exercise. Keep up the blogging it is a great way to work on issues. I wish that I did it more often.
    Love always your sister in Christ
    Jill emoticon
    1361 days ago
    So sorry to hear of all the emotional pain, yet I am glad you are blogging for I am still here for you.
    True friends do not leave.
    1382 days ago
    Hey baby girl, I thought you had practically left Spark. I haven't really seen anything from you. You haven't said hi or anything so I really thought you wasn't even doing anything here anymore. I had gone to your page today to give you a little encouragement and glimpsed over and saw this latest blog. I thought I had read them all. I am sorry that you are still hurting emotionally. I am still here for you hon. I haven't left, I just have been waiting for you. That is another thing that a true friend does, they allow space when they believe it is needed. You still my bestie?
    I love you dearly Ginger, any time you need to talk, please do not hesitate! emoticon emoticon
    1405 days ago
    Ginger, was she really planning a funeral? I think I read that right?
    Death isn't something we deal with on a day in day out basis. It has caused me to close down for days in the past. Then when I felt safe enough to cry, I couldn't stop! Some have affairs, yell, scream, hurt people they love!! I have watched this over and over again, in life.

    If that is true and she was planning a funeral, maybe ? there is hope for the friendship, after all. In time, that is.

    If there is no hope at all, then maybe you weren't really friends! emoticon

    Forgiving her, really forgiving her for not being able to share her pain with her at that moment and her making a step to forget will take time. You asked her to forgive you, right? You have done all you can do. Let it go, give her to GOD and the pain, too. emoticon
    Ask Him to step into the friendship and bring peace where there is none. emoticon

    If she feels she didn't do anything wrong, then you must decide if that is ok with you. emoticon
    Is what she spoke TRUE? If so you have done right to apologize.
    A true apology doesn't look for a 'I'm sorry, too'
    When I apologize it's because I see how I hurt Jesus in the other person.

    That is all I'm held accountable for. The persons response to me is actually NONE OF MY BUSINESS as long as I am right with GOD.

    Then I pray!

    I admire you, ye old spicy one! I understand your pain.... emoticon

    makes my heart hurt with yours.

    I emoticon you!

    1415 days ago
    Ginger, sweetie, you are not responsible for what the others thinks, say or do. You be yourself. Let me say this to you. This is a statement that my late Aunt Grace used to say to me. "You are not responsible for the actions of others, darlin', you are only responsible for your reactions." Be your kind, loving self. If your kindness is not returned, don't take that upon yourself. Be a good listener when they come to you. But, don't blame yourself, if that kindness is not returned. It is not your fault. I agree with DARJR50, blame is a worthless habit. God bless your day. Judi emoticon
    1415 days ago
    Ginger, you are certainly not selfish. You truly care about others. I appreciate and admire your openness. Some people (like me) are not that open. It doesn't mean you don't want to be a friend. I'd just prefer be the listener, and I feel privileged when someone trusts me enough to talk to me or vent to me. But, we do all need someone to talk to (even me). For real friends, it's not a bother to listen to each other, it's an honor. There may be a reason your friend didn't open up to you. When Kent was serving on staff at a church, I had to be really careful who I talked with. People expect a pastor to be perfect (they are far from it!) and I didn't want gossip to get out all over. That doesn't mean that I didn't trust some of my friends. But, with certain issues, I just couldn't talk to them. Maybe your friend is in a situation like that. It also depends on how a person was raised. Men, especially, are good for not opening up. Try not to take it personally. You're a good friend, and I've really missed you.

    1416 days ago
    1416 days ago
  • GINGERRA1980
    thank you so very much! i am not saying no but i am saying maybe in time i can be able to come to you when i need to :)
    1416 days ago
  • A_SIZE6
    your are right in what you say. friends open up to one another. will be honest share what is wrong. it seems to me that your making all the effort to be a friend to her but on her end she isn't doing anything. your not selfish or using her. you were trying to be there to help her. a person who is selfish is someone who is about ME, myself and I. doesn't care about anyone else. that doesn't describe you by any means. definitely not a friend a real friend will not set you up to fail. she will be honest and tell you what is wrong. for me I relate have had to really think about who my real friends are. I've come to the realization I have 1 of them. the rest treat me like a gum off the floor. I think we are a lot alike in the fact we both really care about people want to be there for them. yet we both seem to get the short end of the stick. maybe we can help one another. I will be glad to be a friend to you:)
    1416 days ago
  • GINGERRA1980
    thank you so very much someone who understands what i mean...i care so much about a person that i want them to open up and trust that i am there for them...but if in 4 years i really dont know whats wrong or how to tell whats wrong then i guess your all closed up...especially if you tell me they dont need to and they can solve their problems on their own with out putting any emotions on me..yet i was blamed for being selfish and using them...hurt real bad to think that all i was doing was random venting really nothing bad was meant by it...and it was followed by me being self centered...mind you i did ask her what was wrong cause she seemed off and i said i hope i am not bothering you or making you annoyed or irritated and still she never once opened her mouth that she was planning a funeral at all.. so in a way i was set up t fail in my eyes...and thats not a friend..
    1416 days ago
  • A_SIZE6
    part of being a bestfriend is being there for the person to help them. when we have a problem. a real friend will listen. be there, sometimes we need to unload on someone to release the things we feel inside. perhaps journaling is a tool for you to unload make the journal your best friend too. that way you can unload everything and feel some relief. I myself care about people so I don't mind if you ever need to unload ginger you can on me. I may not have the answer but I will be there to listen
    1416 days ago
  • GINGERRA1980
    i understand your point...though i unloaded on someone who claimed me as their best friend...and if i am your best friend and i unload and feel bad too cause you never tell me nothing then how was i your best friend..u feel me...but i understand what youre saying i never unload to strangers and i guess i am such an open book i dont think its wrong...i guess i am rare though mind you i do talk about good things to and try to make others talk but if they are my best friend why arent they opening up? weird
    1416 days ago
    Maybe you unloaded on others too much. No one wants to be around a person that complains all the time. Take time and think through how you feel and self comfort before you unload on others. Maybe than you will not have sooooo much to get off your chest. Remember other feel for you but they can not feel how you feel (even if you tell them it is just word to them) If they are there to listen, do not worry about what they might be thinking. You just need them as a sounding board.If you have this worry ,talk to someone else. Do not give friendship because you expect it back on call ! You will be alright just keep working at it ! emoticon
    1416 days ago
  • GINGERRA1980
    to you its a worthless me its a reminder to not go down that path again...
    1416 days ago
  • DARJR50
    Blame is a worthless habit. Events happen for a reason even negative ones. They are all learning experiences in this human experience.
    1416 days ago
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