Monday, December 02, 2013
i wont be writing this perfectly because i suppose i am in no mood to be perfect.... i have had some hard lessons in my life and have blamed so many for that pain... but i am seeing now that i can not control people and what they feel inside or how they react to their own pain. i have caused pain to others because i am hurt. what is nuts to me right now is that i always apologize for those hurtful moments i have caused...then i see i am the only one apologizing. how many sorry's are needed from me for people to humble themselves to think wow she sure does apologize to me a lot...and not think... that's right she's apologizing a lot cause she is the one wrong!
my mom has this saying ...if you lower yourself anymore for a person you can start to see your panties... i see now its true! i am too concerned for others feelings way too much actually. i have forgotten what its like to have a real family member or friend. that has lead me on this path of eating my way fat or hating myself cause i think i am the problem. yet i see that i maybe wrong here and there but i am not wrong all the time. i am tired of making others more important than me, of course with respect to my daughter...i shouldnt make others more special than me. i shouldnt seek others as my support system because in the end i suffer when times are tough. i am always concerned if i am talking too negative about my life... always worried about if i am bothering others about my life... i am always wondering if i am annoying others... or if i say the wrong things...if i am too needy.. too anything at all and not concerned of what i want and need.
sharing your life with people is a privilege folks! no one needs anyone other person! we want you in our lives because we saw a beauty in you beyond what others saw. we trusted in you to be in our circle and when you start to think that person is too down to be in your circle anymore because you are going through something...remember who was your cheerleader...remember who was truly on your side... remember if you are going through pain no one is a mind reader and dont assume they are selfish cause they never asked you about you first...or because you never opened your mouth in the first place...or because you tend to keep your life some what a secret...or tell half the truth about yourself...or expect people to be a best friend or amazing girlfriend/boyfriend husband/wife if you arent willing to let go and be exposed cause of your own private pain.
if its that private dont be so upset that people are there for you or that people suck or are negative or that people always hurt you and dont understand you and your needs. being condescending, arrogant, a martyr doesnt make you cool at all! in fact it makes people not want to ask you how you are doing because they think you are ok all the time even if you arent. pretending nothing is wrong is the wrong way to keep life going...you make life a facade. does it mean to always have problems? nooooo!!! it means your human! if you ever have a friend that their life is in the dumps and you cant believe no way in the world that this person doesnt have something good to talk about and their life seems pathetic... think about that for a moment and see who in the world wants to live in that misery NO ONE DOES... they just cant figure it out right now! but dont give up on them. HOPE is all we have left and to ruin that...well then what is left.
HOPE is the reason we are in this journey in the first freaking place...because we HOPE we can change our lives in a positive way...because we HOPE we can change others in a positive way no matter if they seem hopeless...HOPE to be 100% happy and healthy... HOPE to be done with all that hurts and to inspire the world!
dont push that person to the side and end it cause you cant handle things. then maybe you really arent that strong in the first place. because the answer isnt give up on that friend or that wife or that family member...the answer is give them space support them from a distance and always remind them you love them no matter what. let them fall from far but dont give up on them. cause then what the hell is the purpose? how easy is it really to just start over? not so very easy at all!! look at this weight loss as an example....how many times have you started over and thought why did i do this to myself?!
when it comes to relationships and its crappy as hell and you are being hurt really hurt then i can see you leaving... though it takes two people to ruin something...think about things... that person wasnt always so nasty to you...
with that being said i am now going to be accountable for myself by myself cause i feel at this moment i am very disappointed in friendship, family and my boyfriend... counting on others to push me or love me was the worst thing i have ever done to myself. it seemed like a great idea at first but then i started to lean on them so much that i feel they forgot to share back and started to look at me in a different light ...as their "goal" of what not to be...they started to see me as pathetic...sad...unhappy...sic
complaining... instead of the girl that cares for them..loves them and took care of them when they were down....their cheerleader even if she isnt happy!....in the end they were becoming stronger/judgmental by listening to my pain forgetting thats not what the purpose of opening up is about....its about being their cheerleader even if crap has hit the fan!