and I hate it. I need to remind myself that...
I wonder in the back of my head if I have been given this precious time with Utah because something is going to happen. How stupid and terrible is that?!? I can typically keep these thoughts at bay. I remind myself that epilepsy is something to be overcome, something that is not the end of the world. I just worry sometimes and I worry about cancer. I just do. I can not imagine going through that again. I would of course. I know I would ...but I would expect a hard fight and I would expect to win as I did with Aspen. It is not really the cancer it is the fear that goes along with it.
She never knew she was sick. I could not ask for more than that. With the epilepsy I think I have made Utah a bit more dependent on me. That is not necessarily a good thing but I don't know how else to handle it. If the love and comfort and support help in any way I can't stop that.
I will be making a judgement call on how much phenobarbital to give. I don't want to increase it too much but I don't want more seizures.
My DH and I did go to the acreage today for just a bit. I had not been out there in a month. I think it was good for us to go. Utah and Sierra where alone of course together. I was home all last week and he is used to me being there for him.
It will be ok. I will be strong. I will think logically and do what I can based on the best decisions I know how to make. I love him so. It is hard to explain. Just need to snap out of the worry.
We have an appointment Thursday. This will be good. A full set of tests - Liver, maybe calcium, maybe phenobarbital level. I can ask for these. It is only money right? The main thing now the the toe. The liver is all better (or it was at least 3 weeks ago). I have not been soaking the toe twice a day as I should. The cancer started in Aspen's toe. I need to be patient and be told Thursday that this is not the same thing. Aspen's looked different. It is hard to believe I even noticed the bit of dried gunk around his nail. That is all it has been, no worse than that.
I am not obsessing. It is just that sometimes briefly it hits me. Not sure what it is.
Thanks for listening. Not the blog I planned for today. HUGS!
I was just reading back through for typos and thought...
On a crazy positive note, I would have Dr. Mcfadden back. There is no one better. Maybe that is part of it. With Dr. McFadden I knew I had the best and was doing all I could. Do I feel that way about the neurologist or the internal medicine doctors that Utah sees? Not sure. Why am I not sure? Maybe I need to do more research on the epilepsy . Maybe I should ask the neurologist for information. That's it. That's something I can do. It is so good for me to 'think aloud' and not just vent. Find a plan forward. This is a start.
I just received a wonderful
My boy just ate his dinner without my adding Alpo. Looks like the appetite is back full force. I also found a better way to cut his pills and I think I have a plan of attack on the dosage.