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Sometimes I wonder...

Sunday, December 01, 2013

and I hate it. I need to remind myself that...

I wonder in the back of my head if I have been given this precious time with Utah because something is going to happen. How stupid and terrible is that?!? I can typically keep these thoughts at bay. I remind myself that epilepsy is something to be overcome, something that is not the end of the world. I just worry sometimes and I worry about cancer. I just do. I can not imagine going through that again. I would of course. I know I would ...but I would expect a hard fight and I would expect to win as I did with Aspen. It is not really the cancer it is the fear that goes along with it.

She never knew she was sick. I could not ask for more than that. With the epilepsy I think I have made Utah a bit more dependent on me. That is not necessarily a good thing but I don't know how else to handle it. If the love and comfort and support help in any way I can't stop that.

I will be making a judgement call on how much phenobarbital to give. I don't want to increase it too much but I don't want more seizures.

My DH and I did go to the acreage today for just a bit. I had not been out there in a month. I think it was good for us to go. Utah and Sierra where alone of course together. I was home all last week and he is used to me being there for him.

It will be ok. I will be strong. I will think logically and do what I can based on the best decisions I know how to make. I love him so. It is hard to explain. Just need to snap out of the worry.

We have an appointment Thursday. This will be good. A full set of tests - Liver, maybe calcium, maybe phenobarbital level. I can ask for these. It is only money right? The main thing now the the toe. The liver is all better (or it was at least 3 weeks ago). I have not been soaking the toe twice a day as I should. The cancer started in Aspen's toe. I need to be patient and be told Thursday that this is not the same thing. Aspen's looked different. It is hard to believe I even noticed the bit of dried gunk around his nail. That is all it has been, no worse than that.

I am not obsessing. It is just that sometimes briefly it hits me. Not sure what it is.

Thanks for listening. Not the blog I planned for today. HUGS!

I was just reading back through for typos and thought...

On a crazy positive note, I would have Dr. Mcfadden back. There is no one better. Maybe that is part of it. With Dr. McFadden I knew I had the best and was doing all I could. Do I feel that way about the neurologist or the internal medicine doctors that Utah sees? Not sure. Why am I not sure? Maybe I need to do more research on the epilepsy . Maybe I should ask the neurologist for information. That's it. That's something I can do. It is so good for me to 'think aloud' and not just vent. Find a plan forward. This is a start.

I just received a wonderful emoticon emoticon

My boy just ate his dinner without my adding Alpo. Looks like the appetite is back full force. I also found a better way to cut his pills and I think I have a plan of attack on the dosage.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You're a loving mother. emoticon You're behaving like you should. You worry about your baby and how things will turn out. Mothers hurt when their children are in distress.

    You're doing a great job caring for Utah. Remember conditions and treatments are different per individual. That goes for human, canine, animal or plant.

    Glad to hear you got out to the property. You've been through many obstacles recently and you're still going strong. emoticon
    1360 days ago
    Take my advice--enjoy every moment with him without worrying about what tomorrow holds. I know it's hard, but each moment you spend worrying takes away a moment of enjoying him right now. Does that make sense?

    After losing Sadie so unfairly, I too have been guilty of worrying about the "what ifs." But I'm trying to get better about just living each moment with Jasper, and enjoying him just as he is.

    emoticon from someone who understands.

    1360 days ago
  • 0309COOKIE
    I always love it when they eat their food "straight". You know they are feeling good then. Great news!
    1361 days ago
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