Saturday, November 30, 2013
Recently a co-worker told me I'm making weight loss look easy. I felt nervous when she said that. I've lost almost 60 lbs this year with Sparkpeople (corrected 12-1 - I have lost 60 lbs with Sparkpeople!), and it has been far easier than I thought it could be. I'm been waiting for the inevitable (?) faltering or failure and the accompanying self-ridicule for so publicly setting and pursuing a goal that has always before been unattainable.
Well, I got a little taste of failure - or at least faltering - Wednesday at a work potluck and again Thursday for Thanksgiving. Wednesday I ate a LOT of food and wanted more. I would have eaten more, if I'd been alone. But all those people were there, who have been watching me all year; that made me restrain my inner eater a bit. Is that self-respect? Or pride? Whatever...
On Thursday my mom & daughter were here for a very moderate mid-day Thanksgiving meal. However, there was wine, both still and sparkling; I've wanted a glass of wine for weeks - that was lovely. There was a dessert with a load of sugar and fat that will take me a week to level out - it was delicious and I ate every bite of my portion. Later in the day (when alone) I ate more, not because I was hungry but because my inner eater was awake and demanding more. And late in the evening I ate the small amount of left-overs - I wanted all of it gone, no lingering un-trackable food waiting for me the next morning. Also my inner eater was still rumbling around and I let her get royally stuffed. I was uncomfortable all evening - SO full.
There is a part of me that will always want that over-full sensation; the only time the inner eater genuinely does not want more is when she's eaten herself almost sick.
Despite all this I feel OK about things. I remember previous attempts at weight loss, getting to a point where I felt confident, where I said to myself "You've got this; you can slack a bit now and then because you've learned how to eat right". And of course the 'slack a bit now and then' became the norm and the lost pounds came marching right back.
ETERNAL VIGILANCE. I can NEVER presume to have the upper hand over my inner eater - she seems to be a permanent fixture. Maybe it's like being an alcoholic who stops drinking, or a smoker who stops smoking? I've talked to people in both situations, and they say they always want a drink, or a smoke - always. But they know they just can't. And when tempted they weigh the cost of giving in against the benefits of doing without.
I've begun to know some of the benefits of eating less, so it's not just a negative thing = No, you can't ever have that ever ever again! It's a positive thing = Do you want to hike? Do you want to go kayaking this spring? Do you like fitting smaller clothes? Do you like not being in pain? Yes? So do you really want that fast-food meal? Maybe not...
I was reading a body building blog. The writer maintains a VERY regimented nutrition plan. But periodically he has a day when he eats absolutely anything he wants, in any quantity. That's something I will keep in mind & maybe do every few months. Sate the inner eater, be dreadfully uncomfortable for a few hours - remember how bad it can be. If I'm craving something that doesn't fit my daily nutrition plan I can defer it to that date. We'll see.
In the meantime I'm back on track for the moment. Work will be hazardous all month but I will be ETERNALLY VIGILANT and save my over-indulgences for later.