Saturday, November 30, 2013
I feel like I've lost myself this month. The 10 months of focused hard work and health education I've provided myself has gone out the window. Not that it has entirely because I can identify the "shouldn't be doing this" moments, but I'm ignoring the inner dialogue and just going for it anyway, which might explain the guilt. And the cycle it's perpetuating.
I'm having trouble differentiating between cravings/aversions and emotional eating. I've always associated the desire to unnecessarily eat/poor eating decisions with my emotions - you name it too, happy, sad, bored, stressed, etc - and those foods have never really been awesome or even remotely portioned controlled. So my first battle portion control came in the nauseous stage: I needed to repeatedly snack on crackers to assuage the very strong urge to throw up the prenatal vitamins and some breakfast. My initial solution was cheez-its (BAD idea), but I developed an aversion there quite quickly so I moved onto animal crackers (the bland kind) and they've helped with the nausea, but not in the small portions I should be eating them in. I've traditionally counted out a diligent snack portion of 17 crackers for 120 calories, but now I'm doubling that! The same has happened for cravings - I've wanted cheese and bread two things I put of the avoid list during weight loss. So when I eat them, I feel satisfied, but at the same time like I'm caving into some deep emotional thing I don't even understand. And so then I feel guilty with what I've just eaten, only to repeat it later.
My aversion haven't been all too helpful either. Most veggies and hard proteins have been on the no list for a few weeks. This was the majority of my food choices before being pregnant. Consequently I feel like I'm not eating well at all - I can feel the decrease in protein with energy - and I'm making the effort for appropriate substitutions, but once it comes back up, it's a fail for me.
And while I should have been aware of the physical ailments of pregnancy, I was not. At any given time I am dizzy, nauseous, and/or completely exhausted. This hasn't lent itself to consistent exercise even a little bit. I was exercising 6 days a week for 45-60 minutes and now I'm down to a lucky 20 minutes 3 days a week. As I move out of this first trimester, I know I can overcome this part though - I'm told these issues dissipate with the end of the trimester (fingers crossed). But for now, the lack of endorphins and just plain moving around is not helping my mental frame of mind.
Don't even get me started on caloric intake and tracking. Depending on who you talk to or what you read the answer is different. I was comfortably at 1200 calories consistently, everyday, and tracking every BLT. It was my comfort. So then I'm told I should be eating the calories I burn AND upping my take by about 300 calories. That should bring me to around 1500. Only the doctor looked alarmed at that notion and pointed out that I should be around 2000 at least. And I want nothing more than a healthy, well developed child so I bumped the calories up, but feel awful and guilty at the high number. Enough so that I'm really not tracking much of anything.
I'm not letting the scale affect me, I realize gaining weight is going to happen - I'm growing a child - but my waist is expanding and I feel just plain awful. Needless to say, my self-worth is really in the toilet right now - primarily because I know what I should be doing versus what I am actually doing and frustrated by it. I want to enjoy this and cultivated a healthy child, which requires a healthy mom it's just so frustrating sometimes.
The vent feels good and I will try to rock something positive soon. I miss blogging. Happy Holidays, SP friends.