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pregnant v feeling fat

Saturday, November 30, 2013

I feel like I've lost myself this month. The 10 months of focused hard work and health education I've provided myself has gone out the window. Not that it has entirely because I can identify the "shouldn't be doing this" moments, but I'm ignoring the inner dialogue and just going for it anyway, which might explain the guilt. And the cycle it's perpetuating.

I'm having trouble differentiating between cravings/aversions and emotional eating. I've always associated the desire to unnecessarily eat/poor eating decisions with my emotions - you name it too, happy, sad, bored, stressed, etc - and those foods have never really been awesome or even remotely portioned controlled. So my first battle portion control came in the nauseous stage: I needed to repeatedly snack on crackers to assuage the very strong urge to throw up the prenatal vitamins and some breakfast. My initial solution was cheez-its (BAD idea), but I developed an aversion there quite quickly so I moved onto animal crackers (the bland kind) and they've helped with the nausea, but not in the small portions I should be eating them in. I've traditionally counted out a diligent snack portion of 17 crackers for 120 calories, but now I'm doubling that! The same has happened for cravings - I've wanted cheese and bread two things I put of the avoid list during weight loss. So when I eat them, I feel satisfied, but at the same time like I'm caving into some deep emotional thing I don't even understand. And so then I feel guilty with what I've just eaten, only to repeat it later.

My aversion haven't been all too helpful either. Most veggies and hard proteins have been on the no list for a few weeks. This was the majority of my food choices before being pregnant. Consequently I feel like I'm not eating well at all - I can feel the decrease in protein with energy - and I'm making the effort for appropriate substitutions, but once it comes back up, it's a fail for me.

And while I should have been aware of the physical ailments of pregnancy, I was not. At any given time I am dizzy, nauseous, and/or completely exhausted. This hasn't lent itself to consistent exercise even a little bit. I was exercising 6 days a week for 45-60 minutes and now I'm down to a lucky 20 minutes 3 days a week. As I move out of this first trimester, I know I can overcome this part though - I'm told these issues dissipate with the end of the trimester (fingers crossed). But for now, the lack of endorphins and just plain moving around is not helping my mental frame of mind.

Don't even get me started on caloric intake and tracking. Depending on who you talk to or what you read the answer is different. I was comfortably at 1200 calories consistently, everyday, and tracking every BLT. It was my comfort. So then I'm told I should be eating the calories I burn AND upping my take by about 300 calories. That should bring me to around 1500. Only the doctor looked alarmed at that notion and pointed out that I should be around 2000 at least. And I want nothing more than a healthy, well developed child so I bumped the calories up, but feel awful and guilty at the high number. Enough so that I'm really not tracking much of anything.

I'm not letting the scale affect me, I realize gaining weight is going to happen - I'm growing a child - but my waist is expanding and I feel just plain awful. Needless to say, my self-worth is really in the toilet right now - primarily because I know what I should be doing versus what I am actually doing and frustrated by it. I want to enjoy this and cultivated a healthy child, which requires a healthy mom it's just so frustrating sometimes.

The vent feels good and I will try to rock something positive soon. I miss blogging. Happy Holidays, SP friends.
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  • VBA2009
    1565 days ago
    Yes it is quite an adjustment. I am with you coming off a 45lb weight loss and quite a few changes to my lifestyle. All I wanted to do was sleep my first trimester. Yet I am wanting to keep my healthy changes going. So I am still here on spark. Trying to limit my sugar, caffeine, get my water in and some fitness.

    I know my 2nd pregnancy I did really well just watching what I eat that it was only a 15lb gain. This being Twins it took a real adjustment to my thinking that I NEED to gain to insure healthy birth weight babies. So I try not to stress, I don't track and listen to what my body is wanting.
    1568 days ago
    emoticon The fatigue does fade (but it is awful) - that was my worst pregnancy symptom. I'm hoping for a healthy baby for you. Take it easy, Momma!
    1570 days ago
    Wow. Back in the 'Dark Ages' when I had my kids... The doctor said regarding exercise, whether horseback riding or swimming or walking... if you have been doing it right along then you can keep doing it as long as you feel comfortable doing it. As far as nutrition went... he never said too much about that, I didn't gain much weight (10-15 pounds)... I was lucky I guess, I craved Fresh Fruit, and veggies. I weighed less when I came home from the hospital than I did when I got pregnant! I never did succumb to the idea I was eating for two... I ate for one and the baby had first nibs on all nutrition. My real weight problem began after the kids were born .. eating too much stuff that was too good to throw away but not enough to keep and not getting enough real exercise...
    Unless you have some serious health issues that impact your pregnancy... Use your own common sense - You keep your body healthy and nature will keep your unborn child healthy. That is my 2-cents take it for what it is worth. You are a smart person. You will get everything figured out. Love and Hugs, Audra
    1571 days ago
    I hope you get to feeling better as your first trimester ends. It does get better. As for the battle with calories, I really learned while I was pregnant to eat what my body told me to eat because there was a reason it needed that food, just eat in moderation. I wasn't counting calories, just trying to make healthy choices. Keep on trying to make those healthy choices and don't sweat the small stuff.
    1571 days ago
    It has been a LONG time since I was pregnant, but I do remember all those feelings you describe. I was not able to keep my eating in check and I gained 50 pounds. That started a real gain/loss yo yo cycle for me that I still fight to this day. You have some real valuable tools in your hand. Use them and don't stress about taking the calories up. Maybe keeping it at 1800 would be a good compromise with the doctor and help you feel in control.

    1571 days ago
  • 1STMOMMY1991
    I can't even imagine trying to track food during a pregnancy. I say, eat what you feel comfortable with and worry about losing the excess baby fat once the child is born. Yes, I do remember that there is NO free time once the child is here but I think this would give you better peace of mind during the pregnancy. This tracking stuff is too stressful. (at lest for me)
    Congrats, BTW. emoticon
    1571 days ago
    I am not the best advisor when it comes to pregnancy weight gain - as I over did it for all of the reasons you mention - What I can say is track what you eat so that you aren't binging or eating mindlessly. Make good choices in the foods that you eat - cheezits in moderation, make the same healthy choices that you made before understanding that you are also feeding a little person inside of you - the basics really don't change AND you know the GO GIRL, you can do this now that you have vented and I have provided unwanted advice to a vent. emoticon
    1571 days ago
  • JIBBIE49
    1571 days ago
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