Thursday, November 28, 2013
It is Thanksgiving, and I am truly blessed. I have three children who are healthy, a family that loves me, a job that I enjoy. The thing is, I think other people like me a lot more than I like me. In fact, I know that to be true. I am my own worst enemy. I am the one who stands in my way. You would think self-loathing would be a good motivator to change things, but I think it actually has the opposite effect. Why bother? What good will it do? I'm just going to fail again anyway. I'm really not feeling Thanksgiving this year. We are going to a friend's cabin for the holiday and I'd much rather stay home alone. I need to regroup, to make myself a priority again. I know the story - I cannot be there for others if I do not take care of myself. I am at my highest weight EVER. I just had to go on low doses of a couple of medicines. I am having liver issues. But this last week has probably been my worst binges in a long time. I am stressed. I am overwhelmed. I am ashamed. I am hurting. I am lonely. I've been awake since 12:30 am, and now it is after 4 am. My mind will not be still. I am going on a cruise in just under 7 weeks with my husband's family, and I am dreading it. I am looking forward to seeing everyone, but do not want them to see me. I know they say "if you want it bad enough, you will make it happen." I see others doing just that. I need to find my mojo.