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One more heartbreak

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Just as a heads up... this post isn't going to be happy or hopeful or anything good. Honestly, I just need a place to get my feelings down. And while it's ok for people to read and comment, I won't be hurt if people don't either. And I'm going to be putting down everything, so if you don't want scary details, you may want to stop reading.

We lost our precious Peanut Monday morning. I went to bed thinking everything was ok. About 3:30 am, I woke up, thinking I needed to go to the bathroom. I took a couple of steps and got really irritated... I didn't need to go enough to be wetting my pants. Then I felt a gush and knew that something was terribly, terribly wrong. I knew somehow that I was going to see lots of blood when I got to the bathroom. But I still hoped that maybe things would be ok, because that's what you do. I knew that I would be heading to the hospital, hoping against hope that there would be some chance. What I didn't expect was to find the baby hanging there. It went that fast. No pain, no cramping... just a gush and all the hopes we had for that precious baby were gone.

Mom came to stay with the girls, who had woken up with all the commotion and had to be told. Our sweet Alicia just cried and cried and then tried to comfort us. My Sami started sobbing for about 2 minutes. Then she smiled big up at her daddy and said "You're just teasing me." Oh, how I wish that we could have been such cruel people to have made a joke like that. I hated having to kill that little spark of hope in her eyes. She was going to be such an amazing big sister.

Mom only lives a few minutes away, so we headed out to the hospital quickly. And then the crazy bleeding started. I don't even want to think what kind of war zone our car looked like. The ER got me into a room right away... and everything went from horrible to terrifying. I was losing so much blood, so quickly, that they started IVs right away that they could use for a blood transfusion. When the doctor came into the room, you could see that he was concerned. Right away, he told me that it looked like I'd probably be heading to the OR and quite possible would need a transfusion. I'd already had one huge dizzy spell since I'd gotten there. I met the OB on call - mine is on vacation until Monday. He was great. I have no complaints about him at all. And they had ultrasound in the room quickly, too. They ordered blood for a transfusion and called the OR to do the D&C. And then my blood pressure dropped so low - like 70/35ish. I could feel that I was close to losing consciousness... it was that tunnel feeling where everything starts turning kind of white static and everyone sounds far away. I never actually went out and they opened the IV as fast as they could. And got the transfusion going as fast as possible. We got to the ER about 4:30 and I was in surgery before 6. I was so scared on the way there and was they were getting everything ready that I wasn't going to wake up. All I could think was my poor family loosing both the baby and their mama/wife in one morning.

Obviously, I made it through fine and when I woke up, physically I was fine. The emotional... well, right now, I'm not sure I'll ever be ok, but I know that we'll make it through somehow.

We don't know a reason. I don't know if they were doing testing or anything. I think Peanut was a boy, but I'm not sure. He was still so tiny. Honestly, everyone was concerned about me that we never came back to Peanut. I guess those are questions for my OB on Monday. All I know is that by looking at that baby, there was no reason to think there was anything wrong. I don't know if I'll ever be able to close my eyes without picturing holding that precious little body. I remember holding him in one hand and covering him with the other on the way to the hospital, almost as if I was trying to protect him. I so wanted this baby. I never expected another one, but I so wanted the chance to be a mama again.

And I don't know what else to write. I believe that in heaven, there are 4 precious little ones playing together. Well, Peanut is probably watching... he's awful tiny. But I like to think that his brothers/sisters that also didn't make it are looking out for him. And I believe that someday, I'll get to meet them and my family will grow quite quickly. But in the meantime, there are 4 precious baby shaped holes in my heart. And one is still bleeding like crazy. And I'm not sure I can handle any more holes...
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