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    HOWIEANN   66,733
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One more heartbreak

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Just as a heads up... this post isn't going to be happy or hopeful or anything good. Honestly, I just need a place to get my feelings down. And while it's ok for people to read and comment, I won't be hurt if people don't either. And I'm going to be putting down everything, so if you don't want scary details, you may want to stop reading.

We lost our precious Peanut Monday morning. I went to bed thinking everything was ok. About 3:30 am, I woke up, thinking I needed to go to the bathroom. I took a couple of steps and got really irritated... I didn't need to go enough to be wetting my pants. Then I felt a gush and knew that something was terribly, terribly wrong. I knew somehow that I was going to see lots of blood when I got to the bathroom. But I still hoped that maybe things would be ok, because that's what you do. I knew that I would be heading to the hospital, hoping against hope that there would be some chance. What I didn't expect was to find the baby hanging there. It went that fast. No pain, no cramping... just a gush and all the hopes we had for that precious baby were gone.

Mom came to stay with the girls, who had woken up with all the commotion and had to be told. Our sweet Alicia just cried and cried and then tried to comfort us. My Sami started sobbing for about 2 minutes. Then she smiled big up at her daddy and said "You're just teasing me." Oh, how I wish that we could have been such cruel people to have made a joke like that. I hated having to kill that little spark of hope in her eyes. She was going to be such an amazing big sister.

Mom only lives a few minutes away, so we headed out to the hospital quickly. And then the crazy bleeding started. I don't even want to think what kind of war zone our car looked like. The ER got me into a room right away... and everything went from horrible to terrifying. I was losing so much blood, so quickly, that they started IVs right away that they could use for a blood transfusion. When the doctor came into the room, you could see that he was concerned. Right away, he told me that it looked like I'd probably be heading to the OR and quite possible would need a transfusion. I'd already had one huge dizzy spell since I'd gotten there. I met the OB on call - mine is on vacation until Monday. He was great. I have no complaints about him at all. And they had ultrasound in the room quickly, too. They ordered blood for a transfusion and called the OR to do the D&C. And then my blood pressure dropped so low - like 70/35ish. I could feel that I was close to losing consciousness... it was that tunnel feeling where everything starts turning kind of white static and everyone sounds far away. I never actually went out and they opened the IV as fast as they could. And got the transfusion going as fast as possible. We got to the ER about 4:30 and I was in surgery before 6. I was so scared on the way there and was they were getting everything ready that I wasn't going to wake up. All I could think was my poor family loosing both the baby and their mama/wife in one morning.

Obviously, I made it through fine and when I woke up, physically I was fine. The emotional... well, right now, I'm not sure I'll ever be ok, but I know that we'll make it through somehow.

We don't know a reason. I don't know if they were doing testing or anything. I think Peanut was a boy, but I'm not sure. He was still so tiny. Honestly, everyone was concerned about me that we never came back to Peanut. I guess those are questions for my OB on Monday. All I know is that by looking at that baby, there was no reason to think there was anything wrong. I don't know if I'll ever be able to close my eyes without picturing holding that precious little body. I remember holding him in one hand and covering him with the other on the way to the hospital, almost as if I was trying to protect him. I so wanted this baby. I never expected another one, but I so wanted the chance to be a mama again.

And I don't know what else to write. I believe that in heaven, there are 4 precious little ones playing together. Well, Peanut is probably watching... he's awful tiny. But I like to think that his brothers/sisters that also didn't make it are looking out for him. And I believe that someday, I'll get to meet them and my family will grow quite quickly. But in the meantime, there are 4 precious baby shaped holes in my heart. And one is still bleeding like crazy. And I'm not sure I can handle any more holes...

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
JD394471 5/5/2014 11:23PM

I am so sorry.
My heart aches for you.
In a way, I can identify. I had 3 miscarriages also, and no babies to call my own. I never dreamed of never having children. And I too, am hoping when we get to Heaven, our beloved children will be waiting for us.
Hugs, to you, my dear.

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SMILES_CAN_DO 1/27/2014 6:20PM

  I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart is heavy for you and your family. Please take care.

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RAINEMARIE214 12/3/2013 10:55AM

    emoticon so, so sorry for your loss :(

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HDHAWK 12/2/2013 10:00PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost 3 to miscarriage so I do understand. Hug those girls of yours extra tight. Take care.

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ONEDAYATATIME14 12/2/2013 9:21PM

    Thinking of you!

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    I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you and your family.

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OBNURSE3 12/2/2013 4:02PM

    Holly I am so glad you were able to put your loss into words and hope that it will help you and Wayne heal. What a blessing you had to hold this tiny angel before being rushed into the OR.
Although I have never lost a baby of my own. I have certainly been with too many moms and dads who are saying there first hello at the same time as they must say their goodbyes. I am usually the nurse who volunteers to wash them, photograph them and present them to their parents and give them the best experience that is possible under the circumstances. While I delicately do my job I always wish the baby blessed travels to the arms of their family waiting in heaven. I truly believe that you will reunite with Peanut again.

Lots of love and hugs to you and your family emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/2/2013 4:03:34 PM

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GEORGE815 11/30/2013 1:34PM

    Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

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KAROLINELIEN 11/29/2013 8:16PM

    Holly, my heart aches for you. Thinking of Peanut and his siblings up in heaven and your family here on earth. Prayers and hugs all around emoticon

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ETTEZEUS 11/29/2013 3:35PM

    I have no words for you Holly that will take away your pain. I can only offer you my shoulder and many, many hugs!
emoticon emoticon

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LIZZYP609 11/29/2013 3:12PM

    I am emoticon . emoticon

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HAPPY_AS_IS 11/27/2013 8:02PM

    I am so sorry for your loss!

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MARIATOR 11/27/2013 7:36PM

So sad. My prayers are with you and your family.

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TWESTEN1 11/27/2013 6:24PM

    Sending thoughts and prayers your way. The blog was gut wrenching and I can not even imagine the tremendous pain that you and your family are going through. I wish there was a way to take away the pain, but unfortunately that will only happen in time. I hope you feel all the hugs and love coming your way from spark friends. Praying for your comfort.

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STORMYWEN 11/27/2013 6:01PM

    I am so very sorry for your loss. Praying that your heart will heal with time.

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FITNHEALTHYKAL 11/27/2013 5:53PM

    emoticon There are no words to say that will make this any less nightmarish or tragic. I am so very sorry.... emoticon

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P0KERS0PH 11/27/2013 5:32PM

    Holly, take care of yourself. I am so sorry for your loss and know that peanut is not alone in heaven. There are really no words. Just know I am thinking of you.

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THINNYGINNY 11/27/2013 5:24PM

    I've got four little ones in heaven sorry to hear of someone else going through this heartbreak.. Wish I was your next door neighbor and could bring you a meal and a hug. Will be praying for you as you grieve the loss of your precious baby.. emoticon

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STRONGNFIERCE 11/27/2013 5:21PM

    Prayers and hugs for you in the most challenging of times.

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STONECOT 11/27/2013 5:18PM

    I lost two babies myself, so I know a little of what you feel at the moment. No words can help, but emoticon anyway.

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_BACK2BASICS_ 11/27/2013 5:11PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon Prayers to you and your family. So sorry for all you went through and the very difficult emotional time.

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LILYGAL 11/27/2013 4:49PM

    emoticon for you and your family. I know what you are going thru. I've been where you are. It is SO hard. I'm crying now for both you and your babies and probably a little for myself and the baby that is in heaven waiting for me. emoticon

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SEAJESS 11/27/2013 4:33PM

    emoticon A huge painful loss. Please be gentle with yourself during this challenging time. Sending you prayers for a full and complete healing and blessed memory of your time on the planet with Peanut.

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FRABBIT 11/27/2013 4:24PM

  Oh my goodness. I am so sorry and saying a special prayer for your Peanut and your family.

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SCOTIANRUNNER 11/27/2013 4:19PM

    emoticon So many thoughts and no way of ever putting into words how sorry I am that you're going through all this. And that you've gone through it before. emoticon

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