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    VICKYMARIEC   59,121
50,000-59,999 SparkPoints

Self Image

Monday, November 25, 2013

Self image and self worth is something that i've struggled with a lot in my life. Even as the weight melts away, it's still a constant battle with myself. It can be debilitating.

This past weekend i was at he gym with my running partner. She and i work well together. We encourage one another to strive for better. We are open and real with one another. What we say to one another may sometimes be difficult, but we know it's rooted in love and respect for one another. She's a sister to me. Well, we were at the gym and after our workout we were walking back into the locker rooms and the locker room is FULL on mirrors - floor to ceiling mirrors! And there's no escaping your reflection. And i made a simple little comment..."these mirrors are weird." She asked me why i thought they were weird. I told her that whatever it is it makes it appear as though i'm smaller than what i really am. She looked at my reflection in the mirror and said, "no...That's exactly what you look like." I just stared at my reflection and as the tears started to swell up in my eyes i quietly said, "really?"

You see when i look in the mirror i still see the 320+ pound woman starring back at me. Not all the time but a good amount of the time. So to see this smaller woman in the reflection was an eye-opener for me.

I've talked about self sabotage before and how i get to a point in my weightloss and then get scared to actually lose the weight so i gain it back. This is mainly because i'm scared of the unknown. I only know how to be the fat girl. I don't know what it will be like to be healthy and smaller. A big part of me is terrified at the thought that i may be exactly the same. It's so easy to blame things on my weight. I didn't get asked out because of my weight. I didn't make the cut because of my weight. I was this or that because of my weight. My weight became my excuse. And i was terrified if that excuse was missing, and everything else still remains the same then the issue is just me. Then i'm not ENOUGH of whatever it is...for me that's something that i've worked against my entire life.

I grew up in a household where i wasn't loved or cared for. Beatings were a regular part of my life because my parents hated their lives...not so much us kids but just their own misery. I married a man that didn't love me because i felt i didn't deserve get what you pay for, right? He cheated from day one and i kept a blind eye to it. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. He used scare tactics but never actually laid a finger on me. My entire life has been lived with this belief that i was the problem...that i was just not enough. I can remember many nights laying next to my husband and him talking out loud and saying things like, "I wonder what it would be like to lay next to a skinny, beautiful woman." I never said a word about it. This was just something i was used to my entire life.

After the divorce i dated a man for almost 9 months. it was to soon too fast. I should have taken time to heal. But because i didn't I walked right into the same type of verbally abusive chaos. So i ended it because i needed my sanity before it escaped me all together.

I decided not to date (not that i really had offers). It was around that time that my employer decided to transfer me from Chicago to Dallas. I gladly took the offer...i needed a fresh start. In moving here i had just me to depend on as i knew no one at the time. This was what i needed to heal and learn to love myself. I needed to find value in myself before i could ever allow anyone else into my life.

So two years ago i started on this journey (It took me almost 2 years of living here on my own to finally start making changes in my health). It was in these last two years that I learned my value. Others may not always see me as they should but that's ok because i love me. I'm not perfect in any way, but i do know how valuable i am.

Seeing my reflection in that mirror this weekend was just another swipe of the cobwebs. The cobwebs are removed so i can see a little more clearly now.

There are things that i do for friends because i know what it feels like to not have it done in my own life. I have a set group of friends that i tend to text every night. Even if it's just my sending them something with no return. It's my way of letting them know that someone cares about them. That someone is thinking about them. I struggle with that all the time. Does someone out there ever think of me? Does someone care about me? It's hard and i often have to battle with my past - a time when i knew i wasn't cared about. A time when i questioned if i were to be missed if i were gone...dead. Would anyone ever miss me or think about me. I don't want my friends to EVER feel that kind of i reach out and i give them that little something that lets them know they are cared about and loved and that someone (me) is thinking about them. That's what i want.

Self image and self worth are a battle. Even if you lose the weight we need to work on losing the negative self inflictions and perceptions.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
HAPPYJUNEBUG 12/12/2013 1:18PM

    You look great Vicky! Keep going! Love the sneakers!

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100+ Pounds Team
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EVER-HOPEFUL 11/27/2013 6:41AM

    emoticon and remember vickie you are loved and love all the time first by god and that is unconditional,by your vikings sister,your true friends and hopefully yourself.never forget that last one it is as important as the first one my the way you look totally amasing and yes thin.keep on keeping on you are doing great emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NEWLEAF16 11/26/2013 1:07PM

    You have so much to be proud of - and I am so happy to hear that you are being proud of it. You amaze and inspire me emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FITMARY 11/26/2013 8:39AM

    You've gotten to this newer, better place on your own. That's courage and strength!

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SUGAR0814 11/26/2013 12:00AM

    You're doing a great job! You look awesome! Keep it up! emoticon

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DANABYNATURE 11/25/2013 11:01PM

    That was so beautiful, raw and straight up real!! Thank you so much for sharing that. I definitely can relate to some of the stuff you were saying.

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TREE57 11/25/2013 9:37PM

    You look A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!!!!

You are my hero. I'm so proud of you and your hard work has certainly paid off.

The mirror does NOT lie. These photos say it ALL.

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35ANGELS 11/25/2013 8:21PM

    You are looking emoticon


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KERRYG155 11/25/2013 5:59PM

    When a person has been told and/or shown how "bad" they are for so long it is hard to get past that image. I've always had a bad self image and never really lost it even when I got to goal weight. I'm glad you got that boost from your boss with the transfer. You WILL find a lot of support here.

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MIRAGE727 11/25/2013 3:23PM

    Trust me. If you're my SparkFriend, I'm thinking of you, cheering for you, and walking the journey with you! Word!
You're doing great! Just stay focused, stay strong, & don't let anyone try to bring you down. You're soaring with eagles now!

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    Proud of how far you've come! emoticon

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TRUNKJUNK 11/25/2013 1:08PM

You look awesome!

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BEHAPPY0201 11/25/2013 1:05PM

    You are so positive!

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FINCHFEEDER80 11/25/2013 12:22PM

    emoticon What a great idea, sending people messages every night. I know what it's like to be lonely, I should incorporate that idea into my own life. Thanks! Great job so far- you are doing amazing things!

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KIMMYLOU4 11/25/2013 11:49AM

    So proud of you! emoticon

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Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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