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Thanksgiving without Martha Stewart!

Friday, November 22, 2013

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A friend forwarded the following to me & reading it gave me such a chuckle! I just had to share it with y'all in the hopes that it would do the same for each of you.


May the good Lord bless your Thanksgiving Day from the time you open your eyes until you drift off into Dreamland that night!


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Martha Stewart Ain't Gonna Be Here!


For those of you who are coming to our place for Thanksgiving dinner, Martha Stewart ain't gonna be here! I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:


Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.


Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork.


Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.


Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hot line. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.


As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen Turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.


Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.


I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.


Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.


Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this year. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.


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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HELEN_BRU 11/28/2013 7:29AM

    Funny stuff, but also good! Happy Thanksgiving!

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SCOOTER4263 11/27/2013 5:37PM

    emoticon I have a small plaque that hangs right inside my front door. It reads, "Martha Stewart doesn't live here. Neither does Bob Vila." If we all stick together, maybe we can have realistic expectations yet!

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NORASPAT 11/26/2013 8:50AM

    emoticon Thanks for sharing. ~~~~~~REALITY CHECK~~~~ emoticon
Pat in Maine.

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CTUPTON 11/25/2013 3:53PM

    Sounds like me! chris

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IMLOCOLINDA 11/25/2013 6:29AM

    emoticon Loved it. I hadn't seen it before and it's hysterical. Reminded me of when I was a kid-putting black olives on the tips of all 8 fingers and then trying to play the piano...and we had the "kid's table" not next door...but in another room!! That was so they didn't have to watch us bean each other and shove beans up our noses!!
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VONBLACKBIRD 11/24/2013 2:45PM

    HaHaHaHaHa

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CHERYLHURT 11/24/2013 7:37AM

  It was so funny I had to read it again, this time our loud to my husband. WE WERE ROARING with laughter! Thanks!

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ROZOZ68 11/23/2013 11:04PM

    emoticon emoticon Love it!!

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VELVETB1 11/23/2013 9:40PM

    Love it, thanks so much for sharing. I don't know, I'm still leaning towards the flaming lunch sacks though, just to keep things interesting.
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GRAMMYEAC 11/23/2013 1:23PM

    Reminds me of Thanksgivings when I was a youngster!

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FIT4MEIN2013 11/23/2013 11:22AM

    Funny!!!

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EJB2801 11/23/2013 8:42AM

    Fun piece! We are, for the first time in forever, using paper plates and doing a sort of buffet. Big life events have changed up the holiday, but thankfully we will still be together with family.

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HEISTHEANSWER 11/23/2013 8:38AM

    emoticon emoticon

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KANOE10 11/23/2013 8:01AM

    That was ver enjoyable and fun to read! What a nice way to enjoy Thanksgiving.

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NELLJONES 11/23/2013 7:36AM

    Love this!!! I don't do any Thanksgiving decorating at all, just the usual, expected feast. I've never had any complaints, except over the football games that play that day. And I have no control over that.

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BEEJAY49 11/23/2013 7:08AM

    ROFL!!!! Thank you for sharing that!!! :) Hugs!

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DISKATDREAMER 11/23/2013 6:30AM

    I loved it. It brings back memories of Thanksgiving and Grandmas when I was little. We've gone out to eat at buffets ever since grandma died and sometimes I wish we could have the traditional Thanksgiving feast at home. Hope you have an enjoyable and memorable Thanksgiving.

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WINDSONG~ 11/23/2013 4:29AM

    emoticon

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IMREITE 11/23/2013 3:48AM

    sounds like my favorite holiday. more fun stories, foibles of life and no over the top decarations. just simple decor.

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PURPLEPEONY 11/23/2013 2:02AM

    emoticon emoticon

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DJ4HEALTH 11/23/2013 1:29AM

    emoticon emoticon She is not coming to my house either..

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DOVESEYES 11/23/2013 12:47AM

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LALMEIDA 11/22/2013 11:05PM

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MCJULIEO 11/22/2013 10:57PM

    Love it, Love it, LOVE IT!

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COLLEENROSTE 11/22/2013 10:25PM

    really helps put perspective on the day ~ be thankful for who you are and the friends and family you have without trying to live out a fašade. Hope your gathering was blessed with pleasant conversations and memories to be cherished for a lifetime

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BEWELL48 11/22/2013 10:18PM

    OMG....love it! Martha certainly won't be coming to our house either!!! She would be shocked to know that I am ordering a lot of things from a local turkey farm! Not a lot of cooking/baking happening here this year! It's going to be more about who is in the chairs than what's on the table! Never known us to have too little food at any occasion!
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BARB4HEALTH 11/22/2013 9:56PM

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USMAWIFE 11/22/2013 9:42PM

    Love it. thanks for sharing

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LACEYKYLE 11/22/2013 8:59PM

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JANE1216 11/22/2013 8:22PM

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LAWANDMUSIC 11/22/2013 8:20PM

    FUNNY!!

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PMFISH 11/22/2013 8:01PM

    emoticon Brings back memories when children were young and gathering with all their cousins.

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SEAJESS 11/22/2013 7:10PM

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WOUBBIE 11/22/2013 6:53PM

    LOL! I have a cross-stitch in my kitchen that reads "Martha Stewart doesn't live here." I can relate!

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KICK-SS 11/22/2013 6:50PM

    That was FUNNY! Thanks for sharing. (She won't be at my house either).


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2BDYNAMIC 11/22/2013 5:49PM

    Laughed out loud ............. I really liked the comment abt the rolls is not a 'football play" and may not 'bean the sister!' ............. Perhaps before you folks dig in with fork ........ maybe someone could propose a 'toast' for Dear Martha! ............... emoticon .... just a thought!

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MERRYMARY42 11/22/2013 5:34PM

    I love this, someone posts it every year, and I enjoy it very much, Thanks, for the smiles

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TEMPENATIVE 11/22/2013 5:08PM

    LOL I needed a laught today! Have a wonderful holiday, I will not tip off Martha.

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FRAN0426 11/22/2013 4:51PM

    Thank you for sharing this hilarious blog it kept me amused through out-- maybe next year order one of those dinner all included deals and skip all the fuss would be a great idea for anyone without much time.

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ELAINESHAFF 11/22/2013 4:44PM

    I read this on FB and I laughed. Still brings a laugh whenever I read it. emoticon

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PICKIE98 11/22/2013 4:33PM

    Why NOT tell the kids what is in the gravy??All the more for we adults, I say!

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MJ7DM33 11/22/2013 4:19PM

  emoticon Thanks for sharing!

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