I've been gone from SP so long now, I have no idea how many of my sparkfriends are even still out there or will see this. I think part of the reason I've been away so long is feeling such a large amount of shame for losing my way so badly, and for so long....
I had been doing so well; sparking all the time, eating well, running and doing races, etc, until my hip injury. And I just felt so disappointed and deflated that I gave up. WAY up. I gained back all of the 30 lbs I'd lost (and then some), nearly reaching my highest weight again. In the past couple of months I've taken about 12 of them off again but really want to get back on track.
My biggest need is to find a way to not give up when I hit snags like a running injury. When I come across a hurdle, I think somewhere deep in my psyche I say, "Well, there you have it...the sign you just KNEW was coming...the one that says you are not good enough to do this and you don't deserve success and health, so you may as well just give up right now!" And so I do. And then I heap the guilt and shame on top of it, and it's a perfect recipe for failure.
I don't want to fail anymore though. I loved loved LOVED how good I felt when I was running and being healthy. I had energy and vitality. I felt accomplished. Nothing in my life has ever felt OR tasted as good as crossing that very first 5k finish line did.
So why is it so hard to get going again? And why do I give up at the first sign of hurdles?? Sigh. Those are the things I'm mulling over now, but at the same time, it's like an awesome therapist once told me, "Erika, sometimes you have to give up knowing the WHY behind everything....you won't always get the answer. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying to overcome the setbacks just b/c you don't always understand why you do the things you do." Yep. THAT.
So here I am. I have no idea how I will use SP this time around, whether I will track daily or spin the wheel or use the videos, message boards, teams, etc, or if I will just be here for the support component. In addition to needing to reconnect with lost Sparkfriends here b/c I need support badly, I also want to be back here to OFFER my support to others...b/c when I was doing that, when I was sharing my support and encouragement with others who needed it, I also found myself more willing to share it with myself. I heard my words to others and could apply them to myself.
So there you have it. I am back, in some fashion or another, the extent TBD :) But I have missed you all and your wonderful friendships, and I am sorry I walked away for as long as I did. And I just dearly, truly hope that some of you are still around and would like to catch up. B/c I have missed you all!!! :)
A quick update on regular stuff: Christer defended his thesis and got his degree. We moved to Rapid City almost a year ago and I'm working on forming a community here and finding my way. I'm not crazy about my job; really tired of customer service. So I'm thinking of going back to school for paralegal. Not sure yet. We love the area here; it is very beautiful in the Black Hills! I'm working more on my art and enjoying that as well.
Looking forward to catching up with you all!!
Note to self: