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To Be Honest...

Thursday, November 21, 2013

emoticon I've been struggling a lot...this week, and longer. I've been so internally devastated with everything going on with my mom and being so scared for her. But I looked back and I've been consistently exercising everyday. So I guess I am finding a good way to deal with my stress. I even got in a horrible 2 mile run yesterday when I wasnt feeling up to it. But I got it done, and I am sure it helped a little bit with the emotions.

emoticon It's been 2.5 weeks of food restrictions so far, and I am starting to feel sorry for myself because I really wanted to eat a chocolate chip cookie, or a cake, or a bowl of ice cream, or really anything last night. I know the food restrictions are to help me feel better - and I do feel so much better (it took a few days after the french fries incident last week, but back to feeling great again) - so I know it's worth it, but since I havent figured out work arounds so that I can still enjoy treats, its been extremely frustrating.

emoticon I love my friends all over the country (and world, thanks to the military!), but lately when I see someone else get engaged, married, or announce they are pregnant, or give birth, I feel so yucky inside because I dont have any of that right now, and sometimes I feel like it's never going to happen to me. And then I feel like a horrible friend because I want to be happy for my friends (and I truly am), but I feel such jealousy at the same time. And J doesnt seem to understand the jealousy feelings.

emoticon When I saw that it was snowing this morning I was hoping for a day off work so that I can sit in my pjs all day and just sew. Sadly, its not snowing enough for work to be closed, but I am still hoping we get to go home early since the snow is going to pick up again around 1pm and we are expecting up to 3 inches later.

emoticon I am not sure how I survived working without utilizing the Pandora app on my phone. Suddenly my office feels like a happer place, than just sitting in silence, thinking about sex assaults.

emoticon I have to go dress shopping for this holiday party in a few weeks, and though I love shopping, I am just not looking forward to dress shopping. I think I've just been in such a bad place mentally lately, that I feel guilty for being excited or happy about something, when my family is going through such a tough time. I am trying so hard to not feel guilty, but its hard.

emoticon I put together my half marathon training plan last night for the Princess Half Marathon and I am pretty excited about it, though. I even made it pretty colors, and I plan to hang it up in my craft room. I also looked at different races and I want to put together a potential race calendar and set some ridiculous goal for myself but I am afraid if I set a ridiculous goal and then fail, I'll feel bad.

emoticon I'm particularly annoyed that two of my clients seem to be placed in situations where someone much higher ranking than me is using them as pawns in this political chess game. I feel like with all of the pressure Congress has been putting on the military for "not taking sex assault cases seriously" they are losing focus on what's really important - victim care and healing. Arguably forcing someone to participate in a trial that is only going to prevent them from healing, and possibly leave them even worse off, is not the answer here. This is the problem I see with politics - we go from one extreme to the other, to make a point, and the people "we are concerned about helping" end up damaged even further. :/

That's all I got today. I wish my office had a window so that I could at least watch the pretty snow fall.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1111 days ago
    It's good to read your blog as it is helping me to get to know my new Spark Friend. (but who is J?)

    It sounds like you're having a rough time though.

    From all that you say, you seem to be doing all the right things - well done!

    Except, perhaps, to find a way to incorporate some tasty food treats into your plan every now and again - I think that's important for long-term success.

    As for setting 'ridiculous' goals - go ahead and dream big! But also set some smaller, more achievable goals so that even if the 'ridiculous' one takes ages to achieve or proves to be Really ridiculous, you'll still be able to celebrate other victories on the way.

    Best wishes.

    One of your new Spark Friends
    Slimleaf / Lindsay
    1112 days ago
    1112 days ago
    I feel like I have felt most of this before. My mother was on hospice when I was picking out wedding dresses. I longed to be a stay at home mom and that never happened. But Life happens for a reason and now I am happy for the way it did. I could have had a much harder life, and I am thankful for it and allowing myself to go with it.
    1112 days ago
    it seems it always is this way, the victim is not considered. it's like she's there for the crime and then she just disappears and it's just the criminal and the system.
    I watched snow today. i'd rather see snow in pictures. it's not so cold and damp there.
    1113 days ago
    You're doing so many things right, and are seeing the benefits too. It's hard not to be discouraged, but just try to keep focusing on the many things that you can control and change for the better and feel good that you're taking control! emoticon
    1113 days ago
    emoticon I haven't seen snow in 6 years.
    1113 days ago
    1113 days ago
    love your honestly, and so proud for you that your are taking care you with running at this point. My thoughts are with your mom at this time, I saw first-hand how rough it can be and I send her all my strength and good wishes!
    1113 days ago
    Don't ever be afraid of setting ridiculous goals. You may not reach them the first time, but you'll get a great deal of satisfaction out of the effort. And then again, you just might get there emoticon

    1113 days ago
  • -RUBIES-
    I really like your blog. It is titled so appropriately... I felt your sincerity about the matters in your life. Nothing every stays the same. Be encouraged... tomorrow is a new day.
    1113 days ago
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