Tuesday, November 19, 2013
First of all - I wanted to thank all of your for your amazing words of support and encouragement on my previous blog! You have no idea how much it means to me, really. Thank you.
Unfortunately I cannot say that I've turned a corner and gotten back on the wagon yet. The bad habits and the over eating have been constant, and I feel terrible. I look in the mirror at my body, fell how my work clothes fit, and I know - I know! - I've gained at least another fifteen pounds on top of the eleven I gained back in September. I know I'm over 200 again, but I can't bring myself to get on the scale and asses the actual damage. At this point I know if I see that number, it's going to break me. I'm not strong enough to handle it. Not right now.
I've been in a funk for about the last two weeks, which has only been exacerbated by this illness that I've only just now started to get over. On top of feeling super gross and fat concerning my eating habits, the chaos at work is still rampant. Some nights I've been staying until six in the morning for overtime just to get everything caught up, and with December nearing, the move-out date for the company split keeps changing and I haven't even heard a word about what schedule I'm going to be working, what is going to happen with my pay (even though I've been working as a supervisor I never got the pay bump for it), or anything. I don't even know the address of the building, and word has it everything is going to be done and moved in two to three weeks. And that's on top of the unreasonable work load I struggle with on a day-to-day basis. It's too much to even think about.
And of course the holidays are near. Because that's always a good thing. With Thanksgiving a week out, it's about time for the first stage of my annual seasonal depression, and that's really nothing to look forward to. Ugh.
I just feel so weak right now. I can't even control what I put in my mouth or force myself out of this shame spiral (seriously. I can't look in the mirror without being overwhelmed by disgust and disappointment). How am I supposed to deal with all this stuff that's about to dumped on top of my head?
Hopefully I'm being melodramatic and nothing is as terrible as it sounds. Hopefully.
Well. Today is my last day off before another long, degrading work week (seriously, six days is too much). Considering it's just past noon and I'm already up and dressed is a good, productive sign. My intent was to get out and about, mainly to feel productive and burn calories. Might as well get a jump start on the holiday season and start buying a few things like stocking stuffers so I can spread the expense out over a few paychecks. And of course, it's about darn time I get off my butt and go the grocery store. It's been way too long. I need to get back into making my own food (especially healthy, well-portioned food!) and get away from eating out all the time. Part of my problem is consuming food with all those preservatives, hormones, and Lord knows what else, regardless of calories.
I know I've said this before, but hopefully today is the day I turn it all around. It's not impossible, right? I lost my first 69 pounds because one day I just decided I was going to. Hopefully I am fed up enough that I can finally put my foot down and finish what I started. Seriously.
I need to do this. I can't be weak anymore. I can't let these old habits creep back into my life and ruin all the progress I have made. Steps backward are the equivalent of death. Somehow, I have to find the way. I have to get that Spark back, that determination and resolve that magically came out of nowhere and then left just as mysteriously.
Haha it sounds like I'm about to embark on a mythical quest or something. But perhaps that isn't too far from the truth?
Enough typing. It's time that I get out there and get something done.