I don't know what to think of myself.
It seems to me that I'm once again letting it all go... well, wherever it wants!
I'm not talking about healthy eating and stuff. No. I'm really done with this BS. I'm miles ahead of my inner beast. I have a piece of chocolate in the house, and it's been here 12 days. I have no idea when I'll eat it and I don't worry about it. I'll have when I'll crave something sweet, and that could be in a few hours or months from now. I don't care. It's freaking chocolate. It won't help me solve anything. And it's not even the first time I do this. I've kept another piece of chocolate around the house before, and it stayed around the house for over 2 weeks before I have it. And I finally had it when I REALLY wanted it. So we're good.
The only thing that works right now is me sticking to my good, new-founded habits.
Or, to be honest, I may had a little slip last night... But it wasn't serious. I was within my calorie range, though to the upper limit... It was hellish bread again.
I was watching a movie. I had already had dinner but I was hungry still. And I wanted seconds. That would be alright if I listened to my stomach and not to my eyes and brain which told me that my tiny second portion wasn't gonna fill me up. So it came to be another full portion and extra bread. It was a setback, me allowing myself to think like that; to retreat to compulsive overeating once again, but i didn't let it bring me down. Today was a different day and I had absolutely NO binges. I exercised and all. So my mindset is wayyyyy healthier than before.
Of course weightloss is a quite different thing... I've been stuck in the same weight three weeks now, when I'm doing everything right. The only thing I'm not preparing myself is bread. And it's whole-wheat. I don't know, maybe there's more calories to it than what my nutrition tracker proposes... And I can tell that I generally have a lot of bread during the day, but at the expense of other foods, so it shouldn't matter this much. Besides, when I was still losing weight, I had bread anyway... well maybe less of it.... So this week I think I'll try to replace bread with extra fruits and veggies to see how it'll work for me. Maybe that's what's stalling me. But I really hope it's not.
I like it too much to give it up. I will if I have to, of course. If that's what it's gonna take to be a smaller size, then to hell with bread. Plus, it might be disappointing to look at the same number every week, but I can tell I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE.
Boy, does it feel good to say it...
I'm doing my best.
And I'm a very obstinate person. Very obstinate AND patient. AND competitive. Once I start seeing the scale as a rival, BE CERTAIN I'll take it down and make it wish it had NEVER EVER been invented! I'm just not angry enough yet. You'll see guys, if someday you say "scale" and you don't remember what that word means, it'll be because Joanna will have really kicked its butt, smashed the f*** out of it and then blown it to heII. And I can tell you won't hear of it again. EVER again.
So my journey is generally kickin' a$$ now.
It's not perfect, it's not as good as I'd want, but it's still... a journey. It's not about the scale anymore, it's about myself and how much better I can be. It's the first time in my life I think this way. And I can tell I'm ecstatic that I do.
What isn't going so well is my attitude and mindset when it comes to everything else BUT healthy living.
I'm really messing up my social life (which isn't social yet, actually. it's the life of an anarchist hermit who means it when she says she just DOESN'T CARE about tomorrow or today). I told myself that I'd try to be out there, dilligent with my studies (i hardly ever went to classes almost a year now because I was depressed and unaware of it), trying to make friends and stuff. But somehoe I feel so much better locked inside my home, letting everything else out and away from me. I started not going to classes again. I sit inside all day and wonder why I feel so crappy when I go outside. I'm not approaching people, when I am out there I'm looking forwaard to get back inside and lock everyone else out. I hope I'll figure it out. I've been on antidepressants since July and my mood has improved A LOT. But I'm still not doing great.
To be honest, it might be that I'm also not head over heels with what I study. Economics I like, I just don't like that much of it. I'd rather be an artist. But it's been a long time since I sat down and transform my feelings or my memories into a poem or a short story. I don't feel I have something of importance to tell the world. And I don't think I'm talended in the first place. In fact, I've even come to dislike writing. It makes me sick to my stomach when I think of even trying to interpret my thoughts into a text. My head is such a bad place for me to be... I want to get out of there. Point is, even if I didn't study Economics and I was an artist, I'd most probably still hate every minute of it. Oh, I really wanna punch me in the face!
So yeah, I guess I'll keep fighting my way out of the house... I have to promise myself that next weekend I'll go out with someone. And I have to promise myself that this week I'll attend all my classes. HeII, that's a lot of promises I'm making...
Anyway, I'll try to do at least some of it. I know I can. I just don't know if I want to. No, I know I want to. But I love that part of me which doesn't want to a little too much not to let it have its way. Oh, and now I'm delirious. I can. I just wish I could say I WILL.