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Late Nite Funnies

Sunday, November 17, 2013

According to The Washington Post, the White House is considering appointing a civilian to lead the NSA. If you're interested in the job, no need to submit a résumé, they have all your information already. They will call you. -Jay Leno

During the European MTV Music Awards, Miley Cyrus went on stage and twerked with a dwarf. It's a pretty sad day when you have to ask a dwarf how he could stoop so low. -Conan O'Brien

Do you know who's going to the Vatican for a meeting with Pope Francis? Evil dictator Vladimir Putin. The Pope better be careful because I bet you anything Putin is going to try and steal his ring. -David Letterman

A team of scientists from Cornell made news recently for creating a robot that can hold a knife. Or as robots will tell their grandkids, "That is when the revolution began." -Jimmy Fallon

I was thinking about Thanksgiving and I realized who we should put in charge of the Obamacare website — the Butterball hotline people. Have you ever called them? They always pick up. They're friendly. They have all of the information you need. And they're used to dealing with big turkeys. -Jay Leno

Today Matt Lauer and Al Roker had prostate exams live on the "Today" show. So the "Today" show has finally cracked the code on what people want to see first thing in the morning. -Conan O'Brien

Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford's approval ratings have skyrocketing since he announced that he's smoking crack cocaine. Is EVERYBODY up there on crack? Is that the deal? -David Letterman

Blockbuster announced that it will close all of its remaining stores in the U.S. by sometime early next year. Blockbuster’s going out of business. So it looks like I'm now the proud owner of a VHS copy of “True Lies." -Jimmy Fallon

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was re-elected by a huge margin. He gave a great speech last night. He said he learned a lot in the last four years — for example, that lap-band surgery doesn't always work. Chris Christie won by such a wide margin that pundits say this will give him the impetus he needs to run for president. And he's got a new slogan: "Put the oval in the Oval Office." -Jay Leno

The new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us. The new mayor is married to a woman who used to be a lesbian. His campaign slogan: “If I turned her around, imagine what I can do for New York City!” -Conan O'Brien

Have you been following the story about the Miami Dolphins player Richie Incognito? Here's a guy who's played for other teams, and been thrown off other teams. He was bullying another member of the Dolphins. Don't you hate it when 350-pound guy is bullying a 320-pound guy? -David Letterman

The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, has admitted that he smoked crack a year ago when he was in a quote, “drunken stupor.” Geez, if that guy smokes crack when he's drunk, I'd hate to see what happens when he smokes crack.
-Jimmy Fallon

Members of "Duck Dynasty" are releasing their own brands of wines. Wine experts are saying that it's red wine with varmints and white wine with critters. -Conan O'Brien

In New York they elected a new mayor. He is Bill de Blasio, the first Democrat mayor in 20 years. Now 20 years ago Times Square was filled with strip clubs and porno theaters. So I'm counting on the new mayor to restore it to its former glory. -Craig Ferguson
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