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    EBURGITE   101,679
100,000-149,999 SparkPoints

changing my mind

Saturday, November 16, 2013

i have realized that unless i change how i think about myself, and how i talk to myself, i will never find peace, nor will i win this battle.
it feels as if life is sort of like "groundhog day," in that i keep coming around to the same things over and over and over, until i get them right. for as far back as i can remember, i have felt fat. unlovely. unacceptable. a size 7, or 10, or even 14 isn't "fat." fluffy, maybe, emoticon but not the horror i see it as. i live on a dishonest level, where i say, it's ok if i don't get back down to my smallest size, or lowest weight. deep down, though, that IS my goal. i just don't let it see the light of day....where it can be scrutinized, and ultimately corrected.
when i was about 12, my mom bought a skirt for me, and she had me try it on. it was a size 3. i couldn't zip it up all the way. her comment: "god! you're a horse." logically, i know being a size 5 doesn't make you a horse, but that is etched in the depth of my self-image. we won't even talk about what being a size 28 meant! i think i've been trying to get down to that size ever if i were a size 3, then i finally wouldn't be a horse. honestly, i'm not sure my SKELETON could even be a size three!!! so, it's time to get real.
i breezed past a size three, and i will never get there. anorexia couldn't accomplish it. that failure was the beginning of a decades-long battle i'm still fighting. i think the most destructive enemy is my desire to be a size 3. i need to put that emoticon to death.
so, i will diligently work my way back down to a size 10/12, and i will be re-training my thoughts along the way. i think the retraining will be much harder than the eating/exercise thing, but it will be so emoticon


Member Comments About This Blog Post:
MJLUVSANIMALS 11/17/2013 5:25PM

    Parents and siblings and friends, even your mate, don't realize how hurtful words can affect us for the rest of our lives. Todays sizing is so different than when I was a child, so I don't hold it to the past sizing. I just feel comfortable in whatever size I become, as long as I am feeling healthier along with it.

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MARILYNROBERT 11/17/2013 4:10PM

    I know my problems start in my head. I need to stay aware of that fact so that I can work on them and move forward every day. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PEGGYO 11/16/2013 8:49PM

    Isn't it funny how we take some of the things that our Mothers told us as true but not others?

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EBURGITE 11/16/2013 6:34PM

    thanks for the encouragement. emoticon

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AUNTB63 11/16/2013 4:26PM

    I have a few horror stories when clothes shopping when I was a kid. What I do know that holding onto them would not make me a better person today. We need to learn to love the skin we are in no matter what size we are because changing sizes wouldn't make us love ourselves any more. I hope you succeed in getting rid of those unbearable thoughts of a size 3. I'm sure there are some people who as adults can wear a size 3 or 10, but most of us a destined to be 12 and 14's....and so what.
When I got into a 12 I was shocked, but felt good about my body and the way I looked. Make healthy choices this weekend and be kind to yourself.

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BEEJAY49 11/16/2013 4:04PM

    I hope to be a 10/12 someday too, that's a good size for most of us and you CAN do it! :) HUGS!

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