Saturday, November 16, 2013
My sleep has been just awful! It's continually gotten worse over the last month. I was getting up between 4-5. This morning I was awake at 1. Needless to say I have not been doing very well like this!
I was going to quit Spark yesterday even though there isn't really a problem with Spark. I feel really useless right now. I feel like I 'talk a good game' and nothing more. I mean, I am thin, I do exercise & I eat right, but is that enough??? Shouldn't I be running a marathon or something? UGH!
I feel like I'm neglecting everything & everybody right now. I'm tired. I don't want to do anything! My house is a mess. I have junk I don't want. I always liked being a minimalist. I feel the need to purge! I haven't dusted in who knows how long. Good grief! I have spider webs! I'm not naturally a slob so I hate my house being dirty, but don't have the energy to change it!
I've been pretending I'm okay for awhile now, but I'm not. What makes me mad is I don't know why. I'm not depressed, per se, but I just don't feel alright.
I couldn't keep taking the extra 25 mg of Prestiq because it makes my stomach hurt too bad. It's not worth the payoff! I'm not even sure there is a payoff. I can't take a higher dose long enough to find out.
I am tired of talking to my Dr. I don't think the Prestiq is working, but I don't want to try new meds again. She wants me to try Latuda. It's a mood stabilizer. It was patented for Schizophrenia. That SCARES ME! Mood stabilizers have never worked for me & now she wants me on something that works on a whole new chemistry???? GADS! The last anti-psychotic I was on potentially makes you psychotic if you take it when you aren't! Yea! Sign me up for that!
I hate that they know so little about how the brain works! I wish Michael J Fox would have been Bipolar instead of having Parkinson's Disease! I know that sounds mean, but I guarantee if the RIGHT person had Bipolar they'd know more about it!
I realize that if I would have had my breakdown 50 years ago, I probably would have just been put in an asylum. That doesn't change the fact that 'the mentally ill' still aren't treated very well in this country! I KNOW I have had GREAT treatment, but I feel like it's not enough! My insurance allows 12 therapy sessions a year! Are you kidding me??? I'm Bipolar! I should be able to go to therapy EVERY week if I choose to!
Here it is, folks. The time when I hate being Bipolar! I have all these 'deep thoughts' because I never SHUT UP!!! My mind NEVER rests! I couldn't meditate to save my own life!!! Even when I sleep it's full of nightmares. I want to cry. I just want it to be quiet!
Years ago I tried to get hypnotized to quit smoking. Good joke!!! Lisa, Lis, Li & Mean Girl never shut up long enough for me to 'go to the beach' alone!!! Li smoked a cigarette on the way out!
I think I'm always in everyone else's business because it gets me out of my own head. It's easier to deal with your stuff than mine.
I always believed I had something significant to offer the world. Now I just feel like all my aspirations are BS! I don't have the courage to do anything! I'll be lucky if six months after I die MY OWN son will remember my name!
I'm sorry for the less than encouraging blog. This is the 'real' pathetic Lisa that I hate so I usually hide her better!