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    LOFLLAMA   51,147
50,000-59,999 SparkPoints
I'm outta sorts.....

Saturday, November 16, 2013

My sleep has been just awful! It's continually gotten worse over the last month. I was getting up between 4-5. This morning I was awake at 1. Needless to say I have not been doing very well like this!

I was going to quit Spark yesterday even though there isn't really a problem with Spark. I feel really useless right now. I feel like I 'talk a good game' and nothing more. I mean, I am thin, I do exercise & I eat right, but is that enough??? Shouldn't I be running a marathon or something? UGH!

I feel like I'm neglecting everything & everybody right now. I'm tired. I don't want to do anything! My house is a mess. I have junk I don't want. I always liked being a minimalist. I feel the need to purge! I haven't dusted in who knows how long. Good grief! I have spider webs! I'm not naturally a slob so I hate my house being dirty, but don't have the energy to change it!

I've been pretending I'm okay for awhile now, but I'm not. What makes me mad is I don't know why. I'm not depressed, per se, but I just don't feel alright.

I couldn't keep taking the extra 25 mg of Prestiq because it makes my stomach hurt too bad. It's not worth the payoff! I'm not even sure there is a payoff. I can't take a higher dose long enough to find out.

I am tired of talking to my Dr. I don't think the Prestiq is working, but I don't want to try new meds again. She wants me to try Latuda. It's a mood stabilizer. It was patented for Schizophrenia. That SCARES ME! Mood stabilizers have never worked for me & now she wants me on something that works on a whole new chemistry???? GADS! The last anti-psychotic I was on potentially makes you psychotic if you take it when you aren't! Yea! Sign me up for that!

I hate that they know so little about how the brain works! I wish Michael J Fox would have been Bipolar instead of having Parkinson's Disease! I know that sounds mean, but I guarantee if the RIGHT person had Bipolar they'd know more about it!

I realize that if I would have had my breakdown 50 years ago, I probably would have just been put in an asylum. That doesn't change the fact that 'the mentally ill' still aren't treated very well in this country! I KNOW I have had GREAT treatment, but I feel like it's not enough! My insurance allows 12 therapy sessions a year! Are you kidding me??? I'm Bipolar! I should be able to go to therapy EVERY week if I choose to!

Here it is, folks. The time when I hate being Bipolar! I have all these 'deep thoughts' because I never SHUT UP!!! My mind NEVER rests! I couldn't meditate to save my own life!!! Even when I sleep it's full of nightmares. I want to cry. I just want it to be quiet!

Years ago I tried to get hypnotized to quit smoking. Good joke!!! Lisa, Lis, Li & Mean Girl never shut up long enough for me to 'go to the beach' alone!!! Li smoked a cigarette on the way out!

I think I'm always in everyone else's business because it gets me out of my own head. It's easier to deal with your stuff than mine.

I always believed I had something significant to offer the world. Now I just feel like all my aspirations are BS! I don't have the courage to do anything! I'll be lucky if six months after I die MY OWN son will remember my name!

I'm sorry for the less than encouraging blog. This is the 'real' pathetic Lisa that I hate so I usually hide her better!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*RENEAT* 11/18/2013 10:50AM

    emoticon Is it bad for me to say I told you so when you look at all these commenters saying they will miss you?? I'm not saying it...just wondering... LOL

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CHERYLE51 11/18/2013 5:57AM

    Hey There,
No one ever said you had to be "up" all the time. You are much more positive than me. We -- ma and I knew something was up. My dad had Parkinson's and there's not a cure for that either. Isn't Catherina Zeta-Jones bipolar? There, you have your celebrity. She really should step up and discuss it more. Well, I will spark you more later. I have to go do that work thing. I am really struggling with the weight thing. I can't stand that this is a constant battle. I should know better. Remember we all love you. Take care.

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TOKIEMOON 11/17/2013 12:59AM

    Lisa, I am so sorry for your feelings of despair. I understand your unhappiness with meds and doctors. What about going to more AA meetings and hearing others share their issues (and be reminded how you're not as unique as your situation may seem) and hear others supportive talk. You can also let the real Lisa talk and know you will be accepted for who you are, and where you are, at this moment in time.

I'm also hearing you talk as though you're letting yourself down. Could your own perfectionist thoughts be allowing you to be unkind to yourself? Would you be demanding the same from anyone else? Be kind to yourself, treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. (I know I am guilty of demanding more of me than I do others.)

Last but not least, do not ever think you are not appreciated here on SP. I know you have many strong supporters.

Be well my friend. Love you, emoticon Denise

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WOWEETOO 11/16/2013 4:17PM

    my dearest friend!!!
if you do nothing else sparkmail me your address..that way it is private and only i can read it
you are such a bobsend to all these people here..YEAH I READ THAT AND must do what you do but don't leave me for sure because i just simply will die of heartbreak my light up my life always and it's rare for me to find someone as wonderful as yourself
the lady mary emoticon

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KATSTEAM 11/16/2013 2:50PM

my friend , you have a following for these blogs , that speaks for its self. that is self worth.
you have passed on information to others . think how many people are BP and dont realize it someone may very well read your blog and decide they need to go get evaluated
for this BP . second opinions are worthy. my son had one , after he was diagnosed BP
different results .
you can Join a support Group on line free . i belong to a support Group . they undertstand
what what your up against . You cant speak for your Son . the fact if your gone will he miss You ???

i will miss you , if you leave sparks . do what you must do . Keeping yourself well.
get moving get rid of all the dust bunnies !!!!!! do clean
all this will make you proud of yourself. I have to make myself get up off my butt
and clean . then I feel better . go out and help others . you do it very well by your blogs
i appreciate you . on my support group . I have a blog on going its called the 100 prayers .
no one responded for over 2 weeks i kept posting. one day I said I am so done !!!!
then I thought if one person only one , I will keep on going . i got that one person .
back to no one posting. yet some day i may touch that ONE PERSON BY A PRAYER

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HLTHAPPINESS4C 11/16/2013 2:41PM

    Honey reading your blog makes me really wonder if you are just a bit depressed. Seriously I am not a Dr. but everything you explained sounds like a touch of depression. First off know that I emoticon you very much and do not want you to stop SP. You are tired and you need to know that you don't have to superwoman to be here. You are loved by many. Maybe for now just let us take care/pamper you for awhile. It's okay not to be perfect. Allow yourself to just be where you're at and be kind and gentle with yourself. Hopefully you can sit with your Dr. and explain your concerns about the medicines; both the Pristique and concerns about Latuda. I will be praying for you. It sounds like a med change is needed. I know changing meds is not fun, but staying miserable isn't fun either. Remember that sometimes a med change is just a bipolar tuneup. It's just a part of the illness and it doesn't mean you are weak or did something wrong. Hang in there. You are a blessings to me and to others. Remember how loved you are. This too shall pass.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Cynthia

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CATTUTT 11/16/2013 2:19PM

    Aww I'm so sorry to hear you are so down. Sounds like you're having a really tough time right now. I sympathize with much of what you said. Being bipolar is a 24/7/365 job and you never get a break. It gets really exhausting sometimes.

Anyway, I hope you start to feel better soon. You are in my thoughts.


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GARDNSONGSTRESS 11/16/2013 11:37AM

    I love your honesty, it sounds like you are tired! I think you might be expecting an awful lot of yourself. If you feel like you're neglecting things right now make a list of those things that are important to you, give yourself easy goals and make the time for those things. Can you dust for 5 minutes a day? You could get the cobwebs over the course of a week. I often say I don't have time for things when the reality is I just don't want to start. Once I start, the rest takes care of itself.

There's an article on my StartPage that you might get ideas from, 25 Ways to Get Back on Track Today. It's all stuff you know by heart but you could look through the list and see if anything jumps out at you. I know I'm going to get outside for at least a few minutes today, I could use some fresh air after the last cold snap.

You might not realize it but you DO offer something significant to the world or at least here at SP. I appreciate the contributions you make when I check out my friend feed and see what you're reading and responding to. It helps me stay connected to the social aspect of this site when I'm spending all my time here getting used to tracking and meal planning.

Lastly, a line from the above mentioned article: long as you’re consistently out-stepping your steps back, you’re ahead of the game. If you expect perfection (and many of us do), you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and guilt.

Hang in there, Lisa. Get some rest and take care of (((YOU))).


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SLIMMERJESSE 11/16/2013 8:54AM

    I go through these periods all the time. I understand what you are saying here. Just keep moving in the right direction and you'll feel better. Let me know if I can help.

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AWESOMECHELZ 11/16/2013 8:48AM

    Dear Lisa:

First of all, DON'T LEAVE SPARKS! Stay here and battle things out with the rest of us. We all do and it is okay. Secondly, I also have bad reactions to meds BUT don't just say no to something because in the past, others didn't work out. Talk to your doctor who cares about you and see where it leads. You always tell everyone in the team to take their meds and to at least try, and I know you have done it and can continue to do it. Be opened to new opportunities and, who knows? You may be surprised. Thanks for coming here AND don't erase the blog! emoticon

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SUEPERWOMAN 11/16/2013 8:16AM


I am glad that you have shared "the other side of you" because she is a side that many of us can relate to and have compassion for and pray for. It's GOOD to bring her out for us to see from time to time. No one can be so strong all the time.
Sleeping issues can make us feel so vulnerable! I am sorry you're suffering.
You are thin and you exercise and there's nothing more you need to "do" to be worthy.

My Dad was on lithium, which I think is also for schizophrenia, and it helped him a lot. Do what you have to do to get your health straight, it's so important!

Love, Ginger

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SANDRALEET 11/16/2013 7:33AM

    I now depression Feel like doing nothing You will get out of this to Hang in there If need new drugs take them If it gets to bad call a help line You still are pressues just as you are you are wrath emoticon emoticon much my friend Hang in there

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COCK-ROBIN 11/16/2013 7:00AM

    What can I say, but I'm here for you. emoticon You've got a shoulder to cry on here. I know. There are times when I wanted to throw in the towel and say 'What's the use?' I hope it gets better.

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