Saturday, November 16, 2013
This one I've been putting off for 3 days to write... not because it's not true, but because I'm afraid it might be someday. As long as I keep working on my goals and myself, I know I'll be okay, but damn if depression isn't some of the darkest sh*t I've ever experienced. This has been particularly crushing. I'm just amazed I'm not clinical.
So, I'm thankful I'm not suicidal. And years ago, when I was a few months away from ending my last relationship- with that abusive jerk- I was. Daily dread and the thoughts of how easy it would be to just do it and not have to live that sort of existence any more. Luckily I pulled myself out of that depression (which didn't feel the same way this depression does, so it probably was situational, not necessarily chemical) and ditched him before I did anything drastic. I reassure myself and the few friends that I've confided in about my current depression that they need not worry because I'm not suicidal. But, the scary [terrifying] thing is, I can see why depressed people attempt or succeed at it. Because, frankly, I wouldn't want to live for very long if this is how I had to feel every. single. day. I'm not there now, though, and I hope I never get to be.
Today I'm thankful for my sister-in-law's dog, Aiden (or BooBoo as we call him). When my lil' doggie passed away last year, for the first holiday I was going to be home, I knew it was going to be weird. Our canine companion had been in the family 12 years. And I wasn't there when he passed, so I was going to be coming home to an empty house. But, the BooBoo was there to ease that transition and pain. Having another canine around made it less weird somehow. And the BooBoo would go out in the back and lay down on my doggie's grave and mourn him, too, so it was comforting to know we were all in pain together.
Today I'm thankful for Starbucks Peppermint Mochas. They are my favorite of the holiday drinks (even more so than Pumpkin Spice, gasp!) And they taste like coffee got together with a candy cane and went dancing in an ocean of whipped cream. I do get mine with nonfat milk. Too much fatty dairy es no bueno with the ol' digestive system (thanks a lot Salted Caramel Mochas). Anyhow, I've had two this week, which is starting to make it less of a treat and more of a too-much-of-a-fat-thing. Oh well. It's not like they're around all year.