20,000-24,999 SparkPoints 24,703

Feeling pretty down tonight...

Friday, November 15, 2013

So... I had a majorly depressing thing happen yesterday. I didn't fit into the booth at a restaurant. Okay... I fit... if you count my stomach being on top of the table. I was mortified. I haven't gained more than a lb or two, so I don't know how this is suddenly happening. I couldn't bring myself to admit the booth was too small, so I sat there uncomfortably smushed in and ate, rather than 'fess up to dh that I simply did not fit. The worst part? I ate the bad food anyway! AFTER NOT FITTING IN THE !#&%@* BOOTH, I STILL ATE A BIG PILE OF FAST FOOD! Seriously, wtf?

Apparently "wtf" was that I decided... I'm just not gonna think about this. I'm going to pretend I'm not uncomfortable, while also blaming the "inordinately small" booth, and shove this burger and fries in my mouth. I then continued to pretend it didn't happen by eating as I pleased last night. Today hasn't been much better. The only redeeming thing about my eating today is that I put lettuce as the base for my taco salad {homemade}, rather than the meat. That was good, I did good with that. And I had a whole tomato. But... that probably does not cancel out all the sour cream and the tortilla chips. I reasoned with myself... well it isn't GOOD, but there's veggies, and it's not deep fried, so...

After dinner we had to go out and pick up a few things. {Chicken broth on a killer sale!} When we came home, I checked the mail and brought it upstairs. I had a letter from my insurance company saying they are no longer going to cover Novolog and I'm going to have to change insulins. This, in and of itself, is not a big deal. What IS a big deal is that reading this letter made me realize I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday morning.

Why is this a big deal? Because I have done nothing I swore to her I was going to do. I have lost no weight, I have not gotten my blood sugar under control, and if my cholesterol or bp are better, it's because of the medications. I haven't joined the pool, I don't workout nearly regularly enough... I have done NOTHING good in the last 2 months. When I realized a few days ago I had an appointment, I planned to cancel it and reschedule for a month or two from now, so I can "do better". Now that I know I have to switch insulin, I have to keep this appointment to get the new prescription. So I'm going to go in, 2 months after the last time I saw her, and say "Uhh... yeah, I know I made a lot of promises but..." Ugh. I am SO not looking forward to it.

I'm sitting here realizing something has to change, something has to give. I can't keep living like this. I'm supposed to be LOSING weight, and all the sudden I can't fit in the booth??? I know I'm killing myself, and not even very slowly. My blood sugar is out of control, always. This has to stop. Dh has no idea how badly I am doing, no one does, until I am admitting it here. If he saw the numbers on my blood sugar monitor at night, his head would explode. And that makes me feel even worse. He's sitting over there thinking I'm doing good {he knows my eating isn't perfect, but he doesn't know the true depths, I hide it}, and I'm doing bad bad bad.

So... now what? I think the first, and most important, thing I need to do is to stop burying my head in the sand. I have to face, head on, what I am doing to myself, day in and day out. It's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I'm better than this, and I have to start acting like it.

I guess that means I'm also starting again. I'm not back at the start line, but I seem to have lost the trail. Time to find it again. I didn't plan the meals for today through Tuesday with the utmost of health in mind. And we definitely can't afford to get rid of all this food and buy new food. So for the next 4 or 5 days, I'm gonna be doing "the best that I can with what I have to work with", but that just means I need to eat LOTS of veggies. I can do this. I MUST do this.

Exercise, too. MUST. EXERCISE. It's not gonna be terribly cold for the next 10 days, so I have no excuses to not get out there and move. I'm gonna be on my period starting probably tomorrow, so it's not gonna be fun, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only female who ever tried to exercise during TOM. So, come hell or high water, I'm doing it!

Wow, this has gotten long. I had a lot to get off my chest, I guess. I feel better, though. And ready to do this!

Hope everyone has had a good Friday, and is getting the weekend off to a fun and healthy start!

Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MARYBETH4884
    Being honest with yourself is the first step. You are on track now according to your biog on Sat. Going to the doc with several days of good healthy habits will ease your guilt. and help convince you if not your doc that you can do this! I have been exactly where you are!! As far as the booth not fitting, the relief and satifacation of finally fitting in one is great! Since it just happened make that a mini goal, work to fit into the next one! emoticon emoticon
    1581 days ago
  • JO88BAKO
    I think the rolls of polenta is in the refrigerator part by the bacon. Is it like corn meal mush?
    1581 days ago
    Keep on keeping on. I am with you! Continue forth!!
    1581 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    Your husband loves you so much and is totally devoted to you Cat. Remember your vows? How angry/sad/hurt do you think he would be if you died or had to have limbs amputated because you hid the truth from him? Would you want HIM to hide a health challenge from you?
    You two are each others rock. Let him be with you on this and you will not feel so stressed out.. knowing that you are accountable to him and yourself with him, may help you stop and think about that extra mouthful or skipping exercise.
    As far as the doc, they already KNOW you are in denial, that you have not done the correct things.. They are letting you make your own adult choices for saving your life. They cannot force you to do things,, YAGOTTAWANNA!!!!!!!!!!!

    Let others help you, but know that you are in charge... You are the boss of you.Use that power for a long life with your dear hubby,,
    I would love to have a hubby like yours cherish him and yourself..
    1581 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/16/2013 6:10:13 PM
    The good news I read is that YOU DO NOT GIVE UP! Yes sometimes you may not make the healthiest choice. Then you get determined to restart.I hope that you keep on trying, just take your journey one day at a time. Ihope you can focus on getting your blood sugar under control, that is important!

    1581 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    Cat, hit that reset button and start over. Maybe you should tell your husband how bad the numbers are so he can help you when you are feeling like fast food to go to the grocery store and buy something healthier. I never thought I could give fast food up but I made a decision more than a year ago that I would not eat it again and I have not. I still eat out, but when I eat at restaurants, I choose their lower calorie and healthier options. I miss fries once in a while, but not enough to go back to where I was. I agree with the others that you have to make the decision and be strong. Hold yourself accountable because you are too young and you have many years ahead of you and if you want to spend them with your husband doing things you want to do, then for your health, you have to change your life. It isn't easy, but you have to do it if your numbers are so out of control. You can do it, Stay strong.
    Good luck Cat, I know this is a hard battle to fight!
    All the best to you.
    1581 days ago
    You are me ~ 30 years ago. You are in denial. Thinking that you'll stop tomorrow, eat healthier tomorrow, start exercising a bit more tomorrow, when it's nicer.

    Do it today! Your tomorrows are rushing at you. All the cumulative effects of bad blood sugar numbers all come crashing down. You know them, I won't go into the gory details here. But you are young, and bright. And you still have tomorrows ~ don't throw them away, by not eating smart today.

    You know that it is harder to take the weight off as you age. Old PA Dutch saying.."Too Soon Old ~ Too Late Smart!"... that is me..I'm about out of tomorrows. But YOURS are all ahead of you.

    If you don't already use the Nutrition Tracker here on SPARK, Start today! Go on and go to yesterday's date..enter every thing you ate or drank. Enter your Blood Glucose. That will give you a totally clear record of what you are doing everyday. last nights dinner was way over Calorie - Carb- Fat- Sodium count. Aim for smaller portions..cooked healthier, drink more water, add fruit and vegetables. You are probably know what to do, and How to do it. Just DO IT!

    Three full days till your Dr. appointment...make them count! Whatever food you bought for this week is perfectly good, fine, unless you planned take out fried chicken, Burgers, fries, and ice cream sundaes. Just fix whatever food you the nutrition panel, pay attention to serving sizes, fill up on vegetables, add Fruit.
    I've been Diabetic over 25 years...A1c has been 6.4 or under for years. The only thing I gave up is orange juice (too big a spike in the morning..even on just 4 oz.) and 1/2 grapefruit (every morning for yrs.,my DH would leave a 1/2 sectioned for me!) And I truly miss the grapefruit, but not the juice.

    But you are young, bright, and beautiful! You've Got This! Only it's TODAY!
    emoticon You Can Do This! emoticon

    There is really nothing that you can't eat with Diabetes. But you have to plan for it. If you want a bit of dessert after dinner, eat less pasta, or whatever Carb you have. emoticon emoticon
    1581 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/16/2013 9:19:09 AM
    I agree with the others. It's not easy to change habits and certain not the best motivator when you go through something you feel is embarrassing. But try your best not to focus on the negative. Yes, you haven't done as well as you might have liked in preparation for your doctor's appointment, but you are AWARE of it and that is the very first step. You can make changes and start a new path until you are aware that the one you're on is not good for you. Some people remain in denial for a very long time.

    I have a friend who is very likely between 300 and 350 lbs right now. She and her husband are trying for a baby but so far aren't having any luck. Unfortunately, he is also very heavy. She has now been to a few doctors, and the first couple told her that she needed to lose weight. That's not what she wanted to hear, so she went to another doctor and that one was more than happy to tell her what she wanted to hear (that she was just a little husky and that wasn't so bad), and proceeded to explain a lot of hormone-based procedures that cost a lot of money and don't really get at the root of the problem. I am almost positive that they'd have an easier time getting pregnant if they both lost some weight. I'm also positive that if she continues on this path she may no be around for long if she does manage to have a baby out of all of the hormone treatments. It's sad, really. She's 27 and concerned she's running out of time. I've tried to tell her that she isn't, and I'm thinking that if she took a year or 2 to work on losing weight she'd probably have an easier time of it, a more comfortable pregnancy and still be less than 30 years old. That's what I mean. That denial runs so deep that no one will be able to help her until she becomes truly aware of her health situation.

    So, consider yourself fortunate to have made it that far. That can sometimes be the hardest part. As for the rest, that's what we're here for. Give yourself a chance to start anew. You may not be looking forward to going to the doctor, but it's certainly not too late for you to turn things around. Also, don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and we all occasionally stray from paths we'd rather be on. It's a part of life. You're not alone. In fact, you are in a very large majority. The best thing you can do is focus on the positive, and every time you feel you've fallen off the horse jump up, dust yourself off and get right back on. Don't think about it, just do it. Also, really start to track your meals. You probably were before, but track even the things you consider "bad." It gives you perspective. Before I tracked I really didn't care much about what I ate. Now that I track every day, it's almost like a mini competition with myself. I always want to find new and creative (and tasty and healthy) ways to stay within my recommended ranges. It's a real treat when I can step outside of my "safe" meals to try some different things and still remain inside of my recommended ranges.

    And last but not least, there is a simple change you can make that doesn't cost any additional money but really helps. Really start to pay attention to serving sizes on everything you eat. It's probably one of the biggest issues for people who need to lose weight for their health. You can track more easily when you stick to the recommended serving sizes and you'll automatically reduce your calorie / sodium / fat intake by eating half of that can of soup instead of the whole thing. Companies package foods such that we can easily be fooled, but in reality we have probably been eating 2 or 3 servings of some foods instead of 1 serving for years. I was just dealing with this issue with a bag of microwave popcorn. Most people eat the whole bag when they make one, but that's actually 2 and a half servings instead of one. That nearly triples your calories, fat and sodium. Tonight, I measured out 2 cups and put the rest away in the fridge. I'll have 2 more cups tomorrow, maybe with lunch. That helps me in 2 ways: I reduce my calories and saves me money because my food goes up a lot slower when I go by the actual serving sizes!

    You can do this. You'll have bad days, but you'll also have several good ones. Soon the good ones will start to outnumber the bad ones. Just remember, stay positive, celebrate even small victories and take it one day at a time. The little things add up, they really do!

    1582 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1582 days ago
    I can very much identify with the situation you were in with the booth and the bad eating. The last few days have been horrible for me too.

    I can tell you that no two booths are the same, for one. We always ask for a booth whenever we're out to eat, and in one restaurant, every booth LOOKS the same, but they are not. Especially at this one restaurant that my husband and I love, the table is BOLTED to the floor, and booths are double-sided and not moveable either...we seem to end up at this one booth that is visible to anyone being seated anywhere, with a full view from the side.
    So, yes, I have been there too, recently, and my gut also sat almost in my plate. I can only imagine what the side view was like for those customers and hostess as they were walking by to their seats. Ugh...

    I made a healthy choice for dinner, but dessert always gets me, and my skinny rail of a husband can never finish it, and of course I can't just leave the rest there...

    It's a vicious cycle and I hope you do know you are not alone.

    One thing I've been trying to do as I go along, is when I mess up in some part of the day or the entire day, week or what have you, I always remind myself of this one quote I learned by watching Anne of Green Gables. The quote was 'each day is NEW, with NO mistakes in it."

    It has helped me a lot when I have my bad days, even if it's a string of them, I tell myself that and I too am restarting my journey at the heaviest right now that I've ever been when I'm NOT pregnant.

    I lost 30lbs before this last baby, and now I've gained it back plus a few, and I'm finding it so much harder this time around than last time, to get myself on track. I'm aware of every weakness and craving, but I feel powerless sometimes to the grip these bad foods have on me, and I can't stop as easily.

    Many say it's what happens when you add additional children to the family because the chaos increases, and YES, that's true, but I am still curious why this happens and why it's happening to me when I know what to do and how to do it...

    You are not alone and I hope some of this 'novel' I've written helps you feel better about where you're at right now.

    My only suggestion besides reminding yourself that tomorrow is new with no mistakes, is to just take it one meal at a time, one snack at a time, and I've got my period now, so I'm a nutcase right now (LOL) and want to camp out in the chocolate aisle of the grocery store, but I'm going to take it one meal at a time myself and hope for the best.

    We can do this, and this is what I love about SP. It's really the best therapy there is because so many are going through the same challenges and journey, and it's not an easy road we need to travel. This is the hardest thing we'll ever do, and like any other addict, we'll be living this the rest of our lives, so we just take it one thing at a time, but take them together, and we will get there.

    Hope you have a better day tomorrow and hope it will be a beautiful day that you can really enjoy.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1582 days ago
  • JO88BAKO
    I think you are very brave to tell us. You have also talked to yourself about it. Don't freak over the Dr. I'm sure you aren't the first one who has the best of intentions. Please tell your DH. He could help you if you would let him. I want to tell you. I had a very dear friend, Pam, and her DH Mike. Loved her like a sister. Mike drank himself to death and Pam ate herself to death. Neither one of them made it to 40. I am overweight too and it is a battle everyday. Some days I win, some days I don't. I want you to win. If wishing would help we would both be a size 10. I really feel bad for you, but so hopeful you can take the bull by the horns. Hugs
    1582 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1582 days ago
    You can do it, I know you can. We all know it's not easy but it can be done. You are stronger than you think you are.
    1582 days ago
    It is hard to change habits and even harder to face certain truths. You can do this. You are not alone.

    1582 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1582 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.