Friday, November 15, 2013
A cliché? Maybe, but for me nothing rings truer. For the first time in my life, I know that I have abused food. I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t seek to control my emotions with it, but now nearly 33 years later, (I developed my eating addiction at three) it is what it is. I have suffered all of my life on account of overeating, and I am determined not to allow it have one more hay day. It was so easy to control (so I thought). Just a little extra here or there became a bagful or three extra helpings. Nothing ever satisfied me completely, and I could never get it down fast enough. For years I was tormented by emotional eating. I am finally seeing the light.
The only thing I can compare the last two months to is like being trapped in a dark, dingy prison. There was a wee bit of light at the top of the cell from time to time, but no real breakthrough. I don’t want to be so ballsy as to say I have arrived, but something in me is definitely different. I no longer want to use food to deal with my pain. This is a major breakthrough in my emotions because I had no idea I was in so much of it, nor did I have a clue I was self-medicating myself by abusing food! The reality came only as I walked through every day of the last several months NOT using food to cope with my negative emotions.
Earlier today I felt this gnawing, clawing feeling. It was so terrible. I had no idea what it was. I prayed about it, and the Lord told me what I was experiencing was guilt. I said guilt?! Why in the world wouldn’t I know what that feeling felt like? He shared with me that my emotions have been damaged ever since I was sexually abused at three. That coupled with the fact that in our home negative emotions were too perplexing to neither figure out nor deal with; I became a very ill-equipped emotional adult. Huh? Who would’ve known?
The Lord did, and he is healing me. I cannot continue to lose weight apart from this healing, it is just too incredibly painful; however there is the biggest silver lining I have ever recognized in my life. He loves me as I am, is here for me no matter what, and He promises to complete the good work he started. I really wanted this to be a much straighter, easier path than it’s become. I had no idea I was going to take this turn and be bearing my soul so brutally, but I must admit it feels so great to share. It feels wonderful to be so transparent knowing that I am on a journey, not in a literal prison cell rotting.
May I encourage you? If you like me suffer from an addiction to food on account of your emotions being damaged, won’t you take heart? God is no respecter of persons, what he has done, er, is doing in me; he will certainly do for you! The level of freedom I am experiencing is beyond words, but you know me, I will do my best to find a way to share it! Please know that you have tremendous worth and value apart from anything you could ever do, say, think or write, and that with Jesus, all things are possible...permanent... and lasting changes filled to overflow with hope, joy, peace, and love! Friends, I solemnly assure you, whom the Son sets free is free indeed! Can I get a witness?! Woo Hoo!