Thursday, November 14, 2013
25 days ago, I had an epiphany. The seeds for it started sprouting about a week before but I'm not 100% sure what got it started. I took a long, deep look into my life and really SAW.
I saw how I've been lying to myself. I realized that losing weight is the wrong goal because it doesn't motivate me to change. I realized that the only thing I've been good at for a long time is vacillating. My motivator of choice was hating myself. I punished myself - for being fat, for not keeping a streak, for skipping the gym, for eating a piece of cake, or for anything really. I was a failure at everything, according to me.
A few things happened all at once which showed me the universe is on my side but only if I want it to be. I tried to fight it - I went to three different vending machines looking for Poptarts (my favorite work binge food) and couldn't find them. They're ALWAYS there and I swear they were there the following Monday - but that day, I couldn't find them. So I picked Oreos instead. But when I selected them the machine got STUCK and instead of walking away - because I was on a Gdamn MISSION - I put more money in and got two packs of Oreos, which of course I ate. CLEARLY something was telling me not to give in to the binge...it even gave me MULTIPLE chances. And I saw that happening as I was wandering around the building but I chose to ignore it, like I always do when I want to do something I know I shouldn't do.
The universe also changed Sparkpeople's Start page (LOVE!) so I spent a good amount of time setting it up in a way that I think will help motivate me in a positive way. And I set goals for myself that are manageable and make sense and that are sure-shots because I need that kind of positive reinforcement. I have a few long-term challenges in there, too, but for the short term, it's stuff I can absolutely do every single day IF I CHOOSE TO. These are not grandiose ideas. They are 100% everyday do-ables. And it makes me feel freakin' AWESOME when I do them. And THAT has been working for the past 25 days. And some pretty serious stuff has happened to me, and I'm not letting myself go. Have I kept my sh!t together 100% of the time? Of course not. But part of my promise to myself was to be on point MOST of the time, and remembering that failing does not always mean failure.