Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Yesterday, my sister told me that my ex-husband just proposed to his girlfriend. I was overcome with peace and happiness. Perhaps not everyone's first reaction, but I have my reasons.
Let's backtrack. I met T when we were juniors in highschool. We were immediately inseparable. We spent as much time together as school and jobs would allow. We moved in together after highschool and during college we got engaged (though throughout this whole time, I knew he had never really wanted to marry. But I did. And what I said was what mattered.)
I took advantage (not necessarily intentionally) of the fact that back then, I was hot and smart and he was not much of a looker nor was he "doing anything" with his life. (I definitely do NOT mean that as harshly as it sounds, yikes! I sound like a snotty b*&%^). But he felt that way and so I knew I could get my way with most things.
We had a few second thoughts before the wedding, but were afraid of "wasting" all my parents' money that they had paid so far for the wedding. We figured that after 5 years of dating, we were bound to have fights and disagreements, etc. We got married anyways, though truthfully we never should have. I was a terrible person. Genuinely. He had no idea that I'd been "stepping out" the whole relationship with other guys. (Man, typing this for all the world to see is hard. But I can do it because I am no longer that person. But wow....this is not easy.)
After only a few months of marriage, and me seeing yet another guy (that he had no idea about), he moved out. We never really talked about divorce, but he must have found out about the affairs and sent me divorce papers. It hurt, but the process was easy enough for me because I wasn't alone.
It ripped him to shreds. (It's been 7 years, and the pain I caused him is still too much, tears streaming down my face as I type this now.) I did feel bad, but I had this new guy to help me through it (...who turned out to be the worst thing that ever happened to me. Physically and emotionally abusive in the worst ways. But I always considered that my "punishment" for what I'd done to my ex.)
I apologized to T after time could heal the wounds a bit (a year or two.) Sincerely apologized. He sincerely (I think) accepted my apology, and moved on. I never felt better though, about what I'd done to him. I cannot imagine the amount of pain I caused him.
Fast-forward to now and I find out he proposed. It makes me feel like he's ok. Like he has healed. I had for so long thought that I had "ruined" his heart and any chance of him trusting anyone else enough for marriage. (Maybe that's just pride in thinking that I have that much power over him,...*shrug*)
So, selfishly, to hear that he is happy, is such a blessing to me as well. It will help me finally forgive myself. I know I am not that person anymore. Not even remotely close.... but it has been so hard to try to forgive myself. But now, I think i finally can.