WARNING... no positive thoughts here tonight... I am sorry!
I am feeling all sorts of low today. A tornado of mixed feelings that I am not sure what to do with. I am faced with huge Y's in the road and I am not sure which way to turn. I have so many questions... and very few answers.
Let me go back a few days...
I decided last week that I just could not live with this weigh gain anymore. I knew I just had to kick it into high gear and barrel ahead to do what is best for ME! I had planned to start on Monday, then it dawned on me, why wait, let's just do this now! So, I began making plans, and finally just started on Friday. I was doing great, Friday, Saturday, Sunday...
Let's not go there quite yet...
Back to the week before...
Was getting some flack in the house, NO ONE in my house supports me... every time I try to get going on this issue the attitude is, "just deal with it for a few days or maybe a week and she'll stop talking about it, and then just stop doing it, then we can just go back to the way we live instead of hearing about weight loss and what we're not suppose to be eating and dealing with all this healthy crap she keeps cooking..."
The saddest thing is, there are 4 people in my family not including me and 3 are adults, and the strongest supporter is the one child... my 12 year old son. I am at least thankful for that.
So, after years of dealing with no support at home I have tried and tried to keep on keeping on with outer support: my friends on SP, my friends on FB, a few other people here and there... etc. etc. In the end, I keep ending up in the same place... at home, at night... surrounded by my family (sort of), and... alone.
When I originally started this almost 3 years ago, I was so determined you could not knock me down... then life knocked me down. Now almost 3 years later, I have SO much trouble even faking it till I can try and make it, let alone REALLY hanging in there and finding my stride... plus I deal with depression and anxiety... OH WOW, wouldn't know where that came from!
So, once again, I was trying and trying and REALLY trying... I was holding it together through the sighs of, "here we go again" from my family, I was holding it together through the, "I support you verbally, I don't know what else you expect me to do" then "I don't see how you expect me to do that" when I make suggestions on what else they could do. I was holding it together...
The temperature dropped on Sunday night... badly! So the heat in our house kicked on more... naturally. I woke up on Monday morning, got up to go to the bathroom to pee, and then spent almost 30 minutes dry heaving in the toilet with pain in my tiny tummy because dry heaving is hard enough on a normal someone, let alone a someone who has had her stomach shrunk by bariatric doctors... IT HURTS!!!
See, I have a VERY VERY strong sense of smell, and it's been more of an issue recently since we have not had the windows open, or the air on. Not quite sure why the heat makes it worse, but it does. Makes what worse? The cigarette smoke... the house was reeking with the strong odor of HEAVY cigarette smoke... at 5 am!
Yes, there is a smoker in my house... actually 2. My best friend who sees to it that he damages no one else's health but his own by smoking outside and away from others. Then there is my father-in-law, a 70 year old hard headed... person... who does not care who the heck he affects as long as he does what he wishes. This man smokes a new cigarette every 5-7 minutes!
AND thanks to my furnace, even though we have heavy curtains separating our side of the house and his, the furnace circulates this reeking smell throughout the house. It's been getting bad the last few weeks since the temperature has dropped.
Now since the surgery I have had a hard time being around cigarette smoke... breathing just a little makes me ill to my stomach and gives me one heck of a headache... (I don't get headaches). Which tells me it's not just the smell that is affecting me, its the smoke and of course, probably the carcinogens.
I am not the only one in the house who is being affected, my husband who has a very serious case of asthma, was born with it due to his mother and father smoking while she was pregnant. Then his lungs continued to be damaged after birth with the help of alchoholic OTC inhalers and of course living with a house full of chain smokers. He of course become one. When I found out how bad his asthma was about 4 years into our marriage, we both quit cold turkey.
So, we are almost at our 5 years anniversary of quitting! yea us!
So, my husband's use of his inhaler has almost tripled since we lost our home and had to move back into our older home where my father-in-law resides a little over a year ago. He has a consistent smokers cough and his allergies are BAD! So, of course, if he don't care about his son no more than that, then why should he care about me... he can't stand me anyhow.
Not to mention I am seriously concerned about my son and how it will affect him in the long run as well.
So, I woke up Monday morning, got sick, felt lousy, laid back down on the bed and ended up almost sleeping in and my whole day was bad. I called the doctor and spoke with her about the tests we ran about 2 weeks ago. I had to sneak out to see her because of how my husband responds to anything dealing with his dad.
She had suggested we do a step one methacholine test (MCT) to see if I was allergic to cigarette smoke... well, after 4 seconds of exposure to that particular stage of the MCT, the guy told me to quit and sent in the results... we got the tests back on Friday she said and we learned, I am very allergic to cigarette smoke!
That same day, I said something to my husband about being sick that morning because I had almost slept in, he said, "OMG, you wouldn't believe it too, he's not smoking cigarette tobacco, he is rolling his roll-your-owns with pipe tobacco! No wonder that smell is so strong and smells so bad!" I was like, TRAVIS! do you not know that inhaling pipe tobacco like that is VERY dangerous, not to mention you should NOT be breathing that heavy of a concentration constantly, no wonder I am sick!
He pulled his norm... "what am I suppose to do about it?"
So... new issues... every time I try to talk with my husband about ANYTHING his father does, I get the shun... his dad (in my view) is clearly more important than I am. Or rather he is scared of him, it's got to be one or the other. Anytime I ask him to deal with his dad on something I get, "well what am I suppose to do?" So, I didn't even tell him about the MCT or the results.
He makes excuses as to why he coughs constantly, saying that it's just his allergies. I try to point out to him the REAL why, or at least a contributor, and he excuses it away over and over... he won't deal.
And I can't... every time dad and I bump heads, it ends up being my fault in everyone's eyes because I should have just shut up and not made waves. So, I don't anymore.
The next obvious thought would be... just move...
Well, in the business we just took on an office building, trying to improve the business, which is just going to improve our lives and raise our income to a level where we CAN move out... for good! We also just took on an employee in the office to help me with the phone, sales, and keep me from having to do all this work alone. With the money we pay her, yea we could go ahead and move out, and be fine. But she is having such a hard time right now I feel down right terrible of letting her go when she has NO place decent to live and is working toward that very thing.
At least I have a place.
So, without sacrificing her, and her kids, I cannot afford to take on a home without raising my sales another 2-3 a week!
I feel like I am running into walls no matter which way I turn. I have no one I can talk to but this here blog, and most people will chose not to give advice on a subject so controversial anyway.
I am not trying to be dramatic, or poor me... I live sick any moment I am sitting in this house. Heck one of the reasons I wanted that office so bad was so I could get out of this house 6 days a week! But every time I walk back in it, I get sick to my stomach, bad headaches, can't think or concentrate, my head is fuzzy and dizzy, I feel major anxiety, and generally depressed with the huge urge to throw my hands in the air, give up and just curl up and cry till I waste away.
I can't work out in this house, I can't even breathe, and if I try to work out I breathe so hard, I get REALLY REALLY sick! I go in the kitchen to cook or prepare a meal and I am leaving the kitchen secretly every 10 minutes to throw up because of the air I am breathing. I normally avoid the kitchen/living room area as much as possible unless the windows are open. In this cold, that's not possible.
...AND it's imperative to be in the kitchen if I want to cook healthy meals. In the end I give up saying let's go out, or just go up and grab something... ANY reason to get out of the house for a bit, or until he goes to bed, so at least it's not quite as bad... or we just order a pizza and I hide in the back bedroom with the window open, trying to get SOME fresh air... but freezing... it's 25 degree's out tonight.
I managed to figure out that If I turn the vent on in our bathroom, when the heat kicks on, it helps to suck most of the air into the vent, but then it stays so cold in our bedroom, I feel like I am getting sick with my sinuses.
AND OMG if I come down with a sinus infection in this house, I will be SO SICK breathing this air, I am praying I don't get sick!
I don't know the answers, I give up on trying to find anyone who will care to hear, or listen, or talk.
What to do...
What to do...