Tuesday, November 12, 2013
I need to change the way I eat. I need to change the way we all eat. The problems are many; my husband was one of 7 children in a very poor family, so they ate whatever was least expensive and could feed a family of 9. Often, they didn't eat enough, and he has compensated heavily as an adult by indulging in things he could never afford to have as a child. I get it, but there is no way he could ever help me to eat healthier.
My family had the means to eat healthier, but I was raised on fast food. Grocery shopping was for soda, candy, sugary cereals, microwaveable garbage, and other snacks. I never learned how to eat, and I never learned how to cook. In my entire childhood, my mother probably cooked a meal about 20 times.
I will admit that I hate cooking. I loathe and detest it with every fiber of my being. However, I could like to know how, to be able to make nutritious meals for my family, and to teach my children how to cook so they don't grow up like I did. Maybe in time I could learn to enjoy it. Part of my frustration is just not knowing what to make.
The way I was raised to eat, running off to the fast food places or grabbing something pre-packed and microwaveable, is not the way I want to eat. I've gone about 95% organic and vegetarian (eggs seem to be difficult to go without in baking). Baking requires either eggs, or more cooking skills than I possess.
I have no idea how to meal plan. Or cook. Or…UGH. I feel hopelessly lost. I've gained weight, which I swore I never would. I hate my body so much that I won't even look in the mirror unless I have to, and I wear huge, baggy clothing because I don't want to look at my body and I don't want anyone else to. I can't recall a time in my life, outside of the eating disorders, when I hated my body this much. I think it would be extremely easy to fall right back into that mess.
And you know, at this point with how uncomfortable I am both emotionally and physically, I really wouldn't care.