I am a people pleaser.
It's origins lie in not being able to do much right in the eyes of my parents. Had I known then what I know now - They were unhappy people who wouldn't allow anyone else in their lives to be happy - Things might have been different. But they weren't and neither was I . It's the whole spilled milk theory, no?
I had to fill a void and I did it with food. When it fell short of producing a desirable effect, I allowed my panic/anxiety issues to take a firm hold and pressed harder and harder. I got heavier and heavier too.
Along comes Spark People and I was able to lose close to 80 pounds, run 3, 5K's...... I wont bore you. Many of you have been there and done that and more. But ya know what? I didn't do that stuff for me. I did it so people would be pleased with me, accept me, want to be my friend. (If this were a video, a voice from behinds me would say "The definition of insanity.......") I was going to be accepted by the jocks and cool kids here at Spark!!!
In May of 2011 I hurt my back and that's a whole kettle of fish for another time but long after I'd recovered physically there were some pretty deep emotional scars. I was a afraid I'd get hurt again. I didn't want to leave the house because I was afraid of falling down or my left leg going numb. So I sat and got fat again and cloaked it in injury. Inside of me it hurt so badly. Once again I'd failed to please. "What did these people think of me?"
I believe in angels. I have a couple that watch over me on a regular basis and all I can say is that deserve to be more than angels - Saints might fit them better. One morning I hear this voice suggesting that I can just work through the soreness, pain and fear. It's going to be there anyway. While you're at it John, take a look at that pity party you call breakfast, lunch and dinner.
So yes, I'm a bit selfish now. I think I deserve to be and so do you. I think there are times in the day when you need to put a "CLOSED" sign around your neck and invest the time in yourself and your goals. I wrote this blog because a couple comments on yesterdays "Getting Serious" stung me a bit. (I guess I'll always be a people pleaser.) No my ticker doesn't reflect four years of activity. I think it has much more dimension than that. I'm not proud of being overweight but I am proud of what I've learned here, mostly from you guys. Each step in my journey is a step closer to my over all health.
I realize the tone of yesterdays blog wasn't consistent with a lot of my other blogs. It was meant to be written that way.
I am priceless, precious and a true gift from God that He asks me to share. I embrace that. But even Jesus, waved to his disciples every now and then and went off alone. No socializing, preaching or teaching, just Jesus time. I am starting to learn that being selfish with my time can be a good thing. It helps me grow.
We like success stories. They make us feel good. It's when we confront out own weaknesses and failures through the eyes of someone who falls short, that we grow uncomfortable with ourselves. Right now, I'm pleased to be uncomfortable with me.