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    JOHNTJ1   72,505
60,000-79,999 SparkPoints

There IS A Good Kind of Selfish.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I am a people pleaser.

It's origins lie in not being able to do much right in the eyes of my parents. Had I known then what I know now - They were unhappy people who wouldn't allow anyone else in their lives to be happy - Things might have been different. But they weren't and neither was I . It's the whole spilled milk theory, no?

I had to fill a void and I did it with food. When it fell short of producing a desirable effect, I allowed my panic/anxiety issues to take a firm hold and pressed harder and harder. I got heavier and heavier too.

Along comes Spark People and I was able to lose close to 80 pounds, run 3, 5K's...... I wont bore you. Many of you have been there and done that and more. But ya know what? I didn't do that stuff for me. I did it so people would be pleased with me, accept me, want to be my friend. (If this were a video, a voice from behinds me would say "The definition of insanity.......") I was going to be accepted by the jocks and cool kids here at Spark!!!

In May of 2011 I hurt my back and that's a whole kettle of fish for another time but long after I'd recovered physically there were some pretty deep emotional scars. I was a afraid I'd get hurt again. I didn't want to leave the house because I was afraid of falling down or my left leg going numb. So I sat and got fat again and cloaked it in injury. Inside of me it hurt so badly. Once again I'd failed to please. "What did these people think of me?"

I believe in angels. I have a couple that watch over me on a regular basis and all I can say is that deserve to be more than angels - Saints might fit them better. One morning I hear this voice suggesting that I can just work through the soreness, pain and fear. It's going to be there anyway. While you're at it John, take a look at that pity party you call breakfast, lunch and dinner.

So yes, I'm a bit selfish now. I think I deserve to be and so do you. I think there are times in the day when you need to put a "CLOSED" sign around your neck and invest the time in yourself and your goals. I wrote this blog because a couple comments on yesterdays "Getting Serious" stung me a bit. (I guess I'll always be a people pleaser.) No my ticker doesn't reflect four years of activity. I think it has much more dimension than that. I'm not proud of being overweight but I am proud of what I've learned here, mostly from you guys. Each step in my journey is a step closer to my over all health.

I realize the tone of yesterdays blog wasn't consistent with a lot of my other blogs. It was meant to be written that way.

I am priceless, precious and a true gift from God that He asks me to share. I embrace that. But even Jesus, waved to his disciples every now and then and went off alone. No socializing, preaching or teaching, just Jesus time. I am starting to learn that being selfish with my time can be a good thing. It helps me grow.

We like success stories. They make us feel good. It's when we confront out own weaknesses and failures through the eyes of someone who falls short, that we grow uncomfortable with ourselves. Right now, I'm pleased to be uncomfortable with me.


Member Comments About This Blog Post:
TSISQUAUSDI 11/13/2013 9:57PM

    Great blog, John!

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CHRIAMARIA1983 11/13/2013 12:44PM

    I have found myself in that trap, wanting to please everybody but then realized that it wasn't doing me any good because I could never please everybody. I should be more concerned about being a G-d pleaser. Doing what He would have me to do. I still care what others think but once I started looking at it that way it got easier.

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NASFKAB 11/13/2013 7:50AM

  great blog very true have to do it for yourself not for someone else

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AJDOVER1 11/12/2013 11:18PM

    I'm glad you're here. It's nice sharing this journey with you. I appreciate your wit, wisdom and honesty. Don't worry about pleasing me -- I'm here for the long term.

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CARTOONB 11/12/2013 11:06PM

    To me, you are a success story. You continue to learn and grow and make you a better person. I'm so glad that you joined Spark four years ago and that you stuck around. Thanks for being my friend.

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TRAVELGRRL 11/12/2013 8:42PM

    I don't think that person was trying to be mean or snotty...I think s/he was trying to be helpful by pointing out that the gym is only part of the equation. Sometimes, like in the story of the emperor with no clothes, everyone is busy "loving us up" when what we really need is that one honest voice! Don't take it personally. We learn more from the people who disagree with us than from the ones who think just as we do. Onward and upward! emoticon

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ONEKIDSMOM 11/12/2013 6:43PM

    Good heavens John, I could have written the T-shirt slogans to go with this! So many of us here on Spark have to remind ourselves that we're doing it for US... not to please someone else. Sometimes the US inside screams for attention.

So... scream on, fellow Rebel! Let's do this not for the other but for the SELF. Which is a GOOD thing!

emoticon m emoticon

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LYNMEINDERS 11/12/2013 4:24PM

    We never please the people John....
I gave up years ago and was told how selfish I was.....ok no doing the same things for me I am told I am self caring....

you are NOT being are Self caring....thats important for us

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HARROWJET 11/12/2013 4:05PM


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STEVIEBEE569 11/12/2013 2:44PM

    Now, that's the truth! emoticon

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DEE797 11/12/2013 2:32PM

    I can totally relate to your blog. Thanks for your honesty and insight. I also enjoy my "me time". emoticon

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ANATASHIKI 11/12/2013 1:55PM

    I gave up on trying to please others , it's impossible if they decide that they are not happy no matter the circumstances . but I confess that sometimes I catch myself trying to please the people around. and the more I try the more it doesn't work and the more unsatisfied is that person( this is where I get angry lol). I wish I could see your fluffy company lol ( and mine , of course )

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EVIE4NOW 11/12/2013 1:50PM

  Love my "me" time.

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JEANNETTE59 11/12/2013 11:12AM

  The lessons of loving one's self and taking Me Time can be very hard to learn. Once I finally accepted these as part of my life, I stopped sabotaging myself and I refused to allow others to sabotage me.

In my book, this should be lesson one. I think I figured it out about a year in, which would bring it to about lesson 101 if I remember correctly. Thank God we're never too old to learn!


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GOALWTIN7 11/12/2013 10:42AM

  Absolutely beautifully written! I clicked the "I liked this" button as I really hope this gets featured in the "voted featured blog" area. They changed from popular blog so not sure if our votes count now as I think the featured blogs are those selected by Spark staff. I think I'll go to the Sparkstaff page and ask them to feature this one. I think this blog can help so many as they can relate and I think this will cause a lot of "ah ha" moments and this blog will help people along their journey.

I hope you lose your weight and write a book about your journey. Put this blog in it. With your writing skills and if you keep it real, your book will be a best seller.
Good Luck

edit: Just went to SP_STAFF page and left them a comment about this blog. You can go look if you want.

Comment edited on: 11/12/2013 11:06:35 AM

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HDHAWK 11/12/2013 10:21AM

    My story is like yours. I've been here over 5 years, or is it 6? I had already put back on about 20 lbs. I'd lost when I hurt my back and quickly gained another 15. Now it's even more. I have just started to take the time I need for myself in the past few days. It feels good to be back on track. I've said that before so I'm hoping I can stick to it this time!

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MORTICIAADDAMS 11/12/2013 9:52AM

    I think most of us can relate. I don't know anyone with perfect parents nor am I one. We make mistakes, we correct them, we move on.

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PEGGY11 11/12/2013 9:47AM

    John, I have been on Sparkpeople for about 7 years. I started at 225 and got down to 200 then at 67 I retired. I went up to 233 in one year. I joined TOPS for a face to face accountability and encouragement and friendship and still dawdled for 2 years. At the end of August a gain of 4.5 lb. in one week blew my mind. Since then I got really serious about losing. The only 2 times I gained 1 lb. was when I did not keep track of what I ate. I was 221.5 then and now I am 203. I was too late to keep the diabetes at bay. I was diagnosed 4 weeks ago. I have to do my exercise dvd every day as well as keep track of my food. Boy, calories ands fats aren't enough any more. I now have to be very serious about carbs. You can do it, John before you end up like me. Diabetes is hard work. Love you and your blogs. Don't be afraid of getting hurt. If you don't try you will never know. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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IFDEEVARUNS2 11/12/2013 8:57AM

    emoticon Yay you!

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DEBRITA01 11/12/2013 8:54AM

    You are "priceless, precious and a true gift from God" need to look for acceptance from others...just need to accept yourself, which you are doing. There will always be "advice" or judgment from others, but you know your story and what you need to do. emoticon

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