Tuesday, November 12, 2013
I'm heading out to Morning Prayer in a few minutes and then will have breakfast with a friend before I head out to work. It's a catch up and planning day -- I have a busy end of the week and am behind. Some of this is of my doing and much is not -- there is no end of people work and systems change to tend to and I've learned to take one thing at a time. I usually work at home on Mondays and did so yesterday -- only I didn't do much -- for which I'm going to forgive myself. I'm talking to myself much more nicely now than I have in the past. It would have been enough to take this director job for a system in distress but to deal with this unexpected divorce on its heels and preparing to move to a new area is the greater challenge.
I have all kinds of unmanageability in my life. I am depressed. Not a surprise and not out of bounds. I am seeing events in my life and my history and relationships much more clearly. I'm realizing what I can and cannot change and praying to accept what is out of my control. I'm seeking to live in God. I need alot of time alone and I am also learning much more about emotional honesty.
It has been almost too much to begin to see my marriage for what it has been and I know also that my perspectives will change more still. I have been so foolish. Perhaps more accurately, I had been so very hurt and had such an impenetrable shell that I accepted what was so much better than what I knew as a child and then learned to give myself. Eating too much kept my feelings at bay and fortifying my body with fat served as a false protection of sorts.
This last week, my calories have been more and my exercise less. I can forgive myself for that, too. I tracked all my food. I had gained 2 lbs in the last week and today, after eating very well yesterday at the low end of my range and drinking water, the scale is going down. I wasn't drinking water and retaining fluid -- I could feel it in my face.
I couldn't be doing this alone. I know this is my "blog refrain" but it is so true. I am in this for the long haul. Almost 30 lbs down, but 100 to go. It's not going to happen by August! :-) However, I am grateful for the changes in numbers but also for emotional and spiritual growth and for having the opportunity to change in my relationships and to ask for help and provide support.