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Coming out of a fog...at least for today!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I'm heading out to Morning Prayer in a few minutes and then will have breakfast with a friend before I head out to work. It's a catch up and planning day -- I have a busy end of the week and am behind. Some of this is of my doing and much is not -- there is no end of people work and systems change to tend to and I've learned to take one thing at a time. I usually work at home on Mondays and did so yesterday -- only I didn't do much -- for which I'm going to forgive myself. I'm talking to myself much more nicely now than I have in the past. It would have been enough to take this director job for a system in distress but to deal with this unexpected divorce on its heels and preparing to move to a new area is the greater challenge.

I have all kinds of unmanageability in my life. I am depressed. Not a surprise and not out of bounds. I am seeing events in my life and my history and relationships much more clearly. I'm realizing what I can and cannot change and praying to accept what is out of my control. I'm seeking to live in God. I need alot of time alone and I am also learning much more about emotional honesty.

It has been almost too much to begin to see my marriage for what it has been and I know also that my perspectives will change more still. I have been so foolish. Perhaps more accurately, I had been so very hurt and had such an impenetrable shell that I accepted what was so much better than what I knew as a child and then learned to give myself. Eating too much kept my feelings at bay and fortifying my body with fat served as a false protection of sorts.

This last week, my calories have been more and my exercise less. I can forgive myself for that, too. I tracked all my food. I had gained 2 lbs in the last week and today, after eating very well yesterday at the low end of my range and drinking water, the scale is going down. I wasn't drinking water and retaining fluid -- I could feel it in my face.

I couldn't be doing this alone. I know this is my "blog refrain" but it is so true. I am in this for the long haul. Almost 30 lbs down, but 100 to go. It's not going to happen by August! :-) However, I am grateful for the changes in numbers but also for emotional and spiritual growth and for having the opportunity to change in my relationships and to ask for help and provide support.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    What a marvelous blog filled with growth and sadness and reflection - and love.
    1433 days ago
    emoticon one small step at a time
    1433 days ago

    you are capable of so much
    1434 days ago
    30 pounds lost is amazing. You are doing great. You are in a healing phase in every way. Give yourself time.
    1434 days ago
    emoticon So glad you are learning to forgive yourself and be more positive.
    1434 days ago
    Wonderful news to hear of your more positive self talk and loving patience with yourself!

    1434 days ago
    When we can be honest with ourselves, then we can move forward. You have a lot on your plate. As a friend tells me "do your best and forget the rest". emoticon
    1434 days ago
  • PGHP31CK

    Forgivness is key, and it's a process. It's good that you acknowledge that you need to forgive yourself. That's a step in the right direction!

    I believe that God uses everything that comes into our lives for His purpose and for His glory, even the things that hurt. I don't believe that pain is His intention, but I do believe that He can redeem ANY situation and use it to strengthen us and equip us for the road ahead.

    You and I are at about the same stage in our weight loss journeys -- I, too, have another 100 pounds to go. I am so proud to be walking this path along with you!!

    Know that I'm praying for you, that our Lord Jesus will fill you with His healing, love, grace, mercy, and peace.

    1434 days ago
    Before I forget to tell you, I love your new picture! I can tell that you are a deeply loving and compassionate person.

    As to making mistakes, etc. I have traveled down that same road - filled with ruts - so many times I do it in my sleep.

    What helps me is to realize that unbeknownst to myself, even my mistakes can be blessings to someone I may never meet. How can I judge myself for what I think I SHOULD do vs. what I have done? Do I know 100% of how what I did which sent ripples around the world could effect others or events in a positive way? I see even the worst that I've done is simply me asking for the Love that I have denied myself in my judgements of my actions.

    So, I plug along and see everything as the same. A request for Love.
    1434 days ago
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