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    CHANGINGSAM   22,479
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#142 - Please help.


Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Hi all.

I can't believe it already the middle of November! I also can't believe that it's been well over a month since I have been on here. There are two reasons for that, so let's get into them.

I posted a status over a month ago about starting a new job. I work for BlueCross BlueShield, and I absolutely love it! There are so many opportunities not only to keep me busy during work (my old job never had anything for me to do) but also health-wise. They encourage us to get moving and eat healthy. I love it!

While I am loving the opportunities, I can't seem to get motivated to get back on track. After lots of thinking, I believe I have come up with why it's difficult to get back on track: I am angry that I failed. I was so close to where I had wanted to be, and I lost it. I gained back almost all of the weight, and I lost all the confidence I had. I'll be honest, after all that, I don't believe in myself anymore. I know that attitude isn't going to help me get back on track, but really, I don't know how to shift my thinking.

You would think that since I can't button up my work pants that it would encourage me (embarrassingly, I walk around work with my pants unbuttoned because I can't fit into them; I find ways to cover it up though) but it doesn't. I'm lost. I've looked through my old blogs on here, and I can't seem to find a spark. In fact, it blows my mind that I somehow got down to 140 lbs.

I'm hurting, friends. I'm not typing this as a pity party, but I'm spilling out my heart here asking for your help. If you have been where I am now, please, tell me how you got out of it. I'm all ears.

**I've really shared some intimate details here; ones that my boyfriend (the closest person to me) doesn't even know. Please be kind when responding. Thank you.**
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
JADAKNOWLES 11/13/2013 1:03AM

    When I gained back weight, going back up to 160+ pounds, I was devastated. I honestly wallowed at that weight for a good two years because I had no spark. I know how you feel. All you can do is make every day better than the last. You had 5 doughnut yesterday? Have 3 today. Set small goals and follow through. That's what I've tried to do and it's slowly working but working nonetheless. I'll be here cheering you on! You got it emoticon

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WINNIE1978 11/12/2013 7:46PM

    I can't really offer much in the way of advice because I'm in the exact same position. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. emoticon

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CHODGES83 11/12/2013 5:09PM

    I don't think you failed. You hit a roadbump, a hiccup, in your journey. We've all had them. I keep fighting these same 20#. Idk why I have such a time with this. I can be on track for weeks and then suddenly, I'm done for. There's no secret to how I make myself get back on my plan. I just do it. Idk how or why, I just know it's hard. I wish I had real answers for you. I wish there was a secret answer to finding our spark. I'm here for you. Keep your chin up, try to find a positive attitude, smile, and take the steps. Or get angry...sometimes that works too. emoticon I'm thinking of you and I'm here!

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CIPHER1971 11/12/2013 3:40PM

    Every time I fall off the wagon I redo the fast start, as those little goals help get me started again. I accept now (it took a while that I will sometimes go off the rails, the aim is not to gain it all back each time)

You can do this, and we will be there cheering you on.


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BEELALA93 11/12/2013 2:43PM

    Hey beautiful girl.

Firstly, DO NOT punish yourself for this, it's just a step back but NOT a failure. Never think you've failed, you definitely haven't failed.

Like Elriddick said, forget about weight loss, keep your focus on just being healthy. Healthy eating and exercise. I found I lost the most weight (well, when I was being sensible and healthy about it) was when I stopped thinking about it as a way to lose weight. It was about a healthy lifestyle.

You've done so well so far, despite gaining back some weight. Just take some time to get back into a better mind and positive mindframe.

And think of all the incredible qualities you have - kind, supportive, funny, intelligent, determined and so beautiful!

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TIGER_LILY_613 11/12/2013 1:08PM

    I've been there - having pants that don't zip up and wearing my shirts over them to cover it up. Losing several pounds and gaining them back. Crying to family because I simply couldn't see a way out. I wholeheartedly sympathize.


By reaching out to the spark community, you've done a very smart thing :) You've asked for help ! I didn't, and I got stuck in that rut for YEARS ! Don't do what I did !


Instead, take a good step back, and try to analyze the situation.

Is your goal weight realistic ?

Is it possible that you could have pushed yourself too hard or too fast the last time you reached your goal ? You may simply be burned out. Try making more gentle changes this time around. Remember that this is a lifestyle you are building. If it feels too intense, slow down. It shouldn't feel like a burden. By making small changes, you can make slowly healthy habits second nature.


Don't forget the usual suspects, like stress. You mentioned that you just got a new job (Congrats !) But like all life changes, it's an adjustment, which can be a source of stress and temporary weight gain because the body is pumping more cortisol. In my case, when a new job started, I stress-ate, and that didn't help.


Take it easy. For now take small steps and be kind to yourself. Try to take the focus off weight loss for now and just make it about making small healthy choices everyday - one extra glass of water today, just 10 minutes of exercise today ... little, little things. Soon you'll want to push yourself a little bit further, but take your time.

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MELLYBEANS0919 11/12/2013 11:28AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
I can't offer you much advice since I am struggling to figure it all out myself right now. I just wanted to say I am here for you Sam. Feel free to Sparkamil me whenever you want or post on my page. Don't get upset with yourself, as hard as that is. You are doing your best with what you have right now.
I am happy to hear you like your new job!
It is nice to hear from you. I lurk on here a few times a week although I don't post as much.
Thinking of you!

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FITNAPTURAL 11/12/2013 11:26AM

    The fact that you came back here means you atleast have a little spark left in you! Use that to push your self a little further. I've been there and you're not the only one to ever gain weight back. You're allowed to feel angry, disappointed, and feel low but you can't stay there. You got to 140 once so you can do it again. You know what it takes for you to lose the weight. DOn't think of it as starting over. Think of it as continuing on your journey. Get back to doing the small things like drinking your water or watching your portion sizes. Make the small, healthy choices and you'll be buttoning your pants (and buying smaller ones) in no time! Don't be discouraged or ashamed. emoticon emoticon

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POOKASLUAGH 11/12/2013 8:43AM

    Weight loss is HARD. If you lose it slowly, it's demotivating, if you lose it fast, it tends to come back, and there are so many other factors involved besides just the slow vs hard. I know you have a gluten intolerance - I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but this very well may be the reason you "failed" (which I do not consider failing). You know that I have spent the last couple years just unable to lose no matter what I did, no matter how much I tried. As it turns out, this was because my gut was receiving so little nutrition because of the gluten that it held onto every last calorie I fed it that it could absorb. Every time I ate something with gluten in it, I'd be starving an hour or two later - because my gut had this impact of something impeding it from getting any nutrition, and started begging me for more. Forget metabolism - gluten can literally make your body go into starvation mode.

This about this - if you gained ALL the weight back that quickly, there is something more going on. People don't gain that fast unless there is something medical happening, or something psychological (like full on, 8000-calories-per-day binges) going on. Most people who look up one day and realize they're overweight wonder where it came from. They gained maybe 5 lbs a year, or 10 lbs a year. Something equivalent to overeating by 100 calories or so per day. Almost nothing. It's so gradual, which is why they adjust to it over time. When weight comes on in rapid bursts, it is NOT generally something YOU are doing.

I don't know your whole story, and maybe I have it all wrong, but I think you're taking too much responsibility onto yourself for this. It is not failure when your body rebels. It's not failure when you're eating at a big deficit for days on end, and eventually your body screams that it needs food and you eat and eat and eat. That is your body's built in defense mechanism. That's why it's easier to stick to something longterm if you keep your deficit much lower, even though that makes for a painfully long weight loss journey. There is NOTHING WRONG with eating junk from time to time. I've fallen into the trap more than once of feeling guilty after overeating one day. Then I look at what I've eaten, and look at the fact that I've eaten, say, 2500 calories, and realize that's NOTHING to be guilty about! Heck, I remember at one point feeling guilty for eating 1600-1800 calories, and that is NOT RIGHT. Not NORMAL. That few calories is a deficit, and I should never feel bad because I didn't eat at a BIGGER deficit.

I hate so much of the way media and even websites that are helpful like this one make us so focused on numbers that we start seeing things in a skewed way. To give an example slightly off topic, I remember the first time I read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. It was so well written that when Francie gets a job 2/3rds of the way through the book that pays her $10/week, I *marveled* at how much money she was making. Literally marveled. Because in that book, in her situation, in her time period, that WAS a lot. My point is, your brain will adjust to whatever it sees constantly, and if it sees a diet of 1200-1500 calories as the "right" range, it will start feeling like 1600 calories is HUGE, when really, 1600 calories is NOT huge.

Maintenance level, for most people, is between 2000 and 2500 calories, especially if they're active at all throughout the week, including working out. Don't trust Fitbit numbers - they're not even close to accurate for daily burn! So what happens to a person who has a deficit Monday through Friday and then who eats at maintenance level on the weekend? They still lose - maybe at a slower rate than someone who eats at a deficit 7 days per week (and even then, it's iffy, because loss is really helped along by having at least one higher calorie day per week). A weekend "off" does not undo everything done in the week, generally. This is, of course, setting aside binging-type issues. so it's not a bad thing to have your weekends off, especially if it helps you, long term, to stay focused.

*hugs* I wish I could help you more Sam. I wish this was easier. It's not.

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AZMOMXTWO 11/12/2013 7:09AM

  I wish I could tell you some thing to help you out but I can't

I had to force myself to park as far away from the building as possible just to walk more then i started to walk at lunch now I just do it but it was hard to get started

good luck you can do it

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ELRIDDICK 11/12/2013 7:07AM

  Thanks for sharing. You didn't fail, you achieved the weight lost. Gaining it back DOESN"T negate the achievement. Forget about loosing weight. Concentrate on making more healthy food choices. When you get back into a healthy lifestyle the weight will comeback off and stay off.

Comment edited on: 11/12/2013 7:12:28 AM

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