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British Monarchy to take over the crippled USA.


Monday, November 11, 2013


A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of closing down of the Government in the USA and thus the inability to govern yourselves, We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'


3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse


5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.


8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
NAYPOOIE 11/30/2013 1:57PM

    Hmm. That might work.

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DEBIGENE 11/23/2013 7:12PM

    hhhhmmmm, I can only imagine !!!

This was British humor I def enjoyed !!!

Thanks for sharing it with us !!!

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DAWNWATERWOMAN 11/18/2013 9:56PM

    Too funny!

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SUNNYWBL 11/13/2013 3:35AM

    All in all, very good! We obviously have a few branches of government that are acting like whiney kids!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SHEILA1505 11/12/2013 11:52PM

    Thanks for a great start to the day
Especially enjoyed references to South Africa

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CINDHOLM 11/12/2013 5:19PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GARDENQE2 11/12/2013 12:44PM

    Great plan...There is a petition circulating on the internet to give Texas back to Mexico, as well...that would be a great improvement to our nation.
Perhaps if it were gone, Her Majesty would reconsider North Dakota....there's more oil there than in Texas!
Let's discuss it over tea! emoticon

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THINFITFEMINIST 11/12/2013 6:58AM

    This is hilarious!

Actually the government didn't shut down. Only the services to us peasants did.

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LEXIE63 11/12/2013 5:44AM

    This is an American website. You are going to get yourself barred! LOLOLOLOL
*need an emoticon of someone rolling around on the floor, clutching their sides with one arm and wiping tears of laughter from their face with the other hand.*

The rugby comment was hilarious! LOLOL

Comment edited on: 11/12/2013 5:45:25 AM

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GOANNA2 11/12/2013 5:40AM

    Brilliant! emoticon God save the Queen.

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RIDMYCOCOON 11/12/2013 5:01AM

    God Save the Queen! emoticon

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NASFKAB 11/12/2013 4:23AM

  love it so funny wish it could happen in Bangladesh we need to dump our present set of hypocrites

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KELTIC-CARA 11/12/2013 2:22AM

    emoticon Brilliant, absolutely loved it, seems to make sense to me emoticon

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MOTLEM 11/12/2013 1:15AM

    God Save the Queen! emoticon

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ARTJAC 11/12/2013 12:08AM

    emoticon emoticon

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TERRI289 11/11/2013 11:01PM

    Funny funny.....thank you! Poor North Dakota!

Thank you!!

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NORASPAT 11/11/2013 10:45PM

    Loved it I just do agree with it all. I am a Brit in Maine USA and it makes great sense espcially the politicians gone

emoticon Pat in Maine. emoticon

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PHEBESS 11/11/2013 10:34PM

    I hate roundabouts, but LOOOOOVE afternoon tea!!!!!

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1BEACHWALKER 11/11/2013 10:25PM

    Now those roundabouts will make sense if we drive on the other side! I hate those! We have them in some areas! If it were true, I would welcome some of those things! Too funny though...thanks for the laugh! emoticon

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MARJORIEWRIGHT 11/11/2013 10:18PM

    Thank you so very much!!! That was very great!! emoticon

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FISHINGLADY66 11/11/2013 10:08PM

    I love emoticon this. Thanks for the smile on my face.

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BRYANBABY3 11/11/2013 10:04PM

    emoticon

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