Saturday, November 09, 2013
I think I will write just a bit. I have been feeling a bit down of late. My eating is not going poorly at all, but I do need to recognize that with my age and the medications I take, weight loss will never be speedy or easy for me. I am committed to eating as healthily as I can and to prioritizing working out.
I have been feeling very strange at work. I have one class that is going very well I believe. The students attend, they participate, they pay attention and I feel at ease in front of them.
Then I have another class that has been a nightmare. I have to say: I am a failure. I knew that this class would be difficult because it is NOT everyone's cup of tea. I also know that a lot of students sign up for classes because of the time or because the class fulfills a requirement. So this class is as inert and leaden as anything I have ever experienced. In the past I have taught this class to students who were engaged and who laughed and talked with me as we explored the elegant irony of Jane Austen.
Now? Is it me? Is it the students? I wonder if my teaching is less effective because I am old and look it. I have heard that students perceive young and hot professors as being "better" and that old male professors often have an aura of "gravitas". But the old female professor is a laughable thing.
This class has been deeply wounding to my heart. Students flop their heads down on the desk and sleep; absenteeism is enormous (about 10 out of 23 students make it to class each day).
The sense of failure is contagious; in other parts of my life I also feel like a failure. I try so very hard and yet I cannot seem to hit a right note.