Saturday, November 09, 2013
Two weeks of 7a-7p shifts are over! :-) I am grateful for the hours and the money, but I am so ready to get back to some semblance of normalcy.
I made a few discoveries during this time and feel the need to anchor them in word, so as not to let them fly away.
1. Grey is the new black...and white.
Perfectionism has really ruined a lot for me over the course of my lifetime and I think I'm finally ready to let her go. She really has no use anymore and I have to state for the record 'why'. I used perfectionism to give me permission to accept all the other 'worthless' parts of me. That worthlessness was rooted in falsehoods and an old record in my head left over from a crazy, out-of-control childhood. Perfectionism allowed me feel like I was in control. Perfectionism created a false sense of self...a better self, a lovable self...a perfect self who deserved love. But that compulsion to be perfect was a double edged sword, because the minute I didn't adhere to her strict and sharp requirements, I was again the worthless piece of crap I was trying so hard to fix in the first place. Wow...writing that down just made me wholly aware of how sick and crazy and harmful that way of living is!!!
Today, I am worthy because I see your worth. Today I am lovable because I love you. Whether you want me to or not, deserve it or not...I love YOU...and that has made me love ME too. I see and revel in your worthwhileness as a person...and that shows me my own worthwhileness.
You are the I AM. Your job here is TO BE. Whatever that is, in each present moment, Stephi. WHATEVER you are...is worthy and lovable...even if you were a murderer. OWN what you are. And know you belong here. THAT, in and of itself, is what makes you worthy of all the love in the Universe!
I know...NOW...lolol. It took so long to learn that.
You're a BABY compared to when some people figure that out ;-)~
I'm back now...sorry. But I forgot the rest of what I wanted to write. I think that's enough for now.
It is, Stephi. It's more than enough. :-)