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    JILLYMAUI   15,591
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The Grind

Saturday, November 09, 2013

So I have been having a rough emotional patch, to say the least. The details will not be revealed, suffice it to say this is the type of crap I used to overeat over and drink over as well. Since I do not actively partake in those addictions anymore I am left with feeling my feelings, and fighting the urge to compulsively eat.
How is this working?? Well its a grind. I am getting to more meetings, letting friends help and feeling my feelings and it really sucks. I always 'used' food/booze to repress, eradicate and eliminate intense emotional feelings, but now that I am 6 months plus off the extra food and decades off booze, I am left here to actually use the steps and tools laid out before me if I choose to use them.
So I am making gratitude lists, doubling up on meetings, talking to people privately, coming clean in a safe way, eating right, went to swim 5 days this week, heck I even quit my job to take better care of my health. I am also journaling, writing haikus, reading about it and talking to mentors who will listen. I am letting go. Its all very tough right now.

Another thing I did was OWN the first 100 pounds I lost a decade ago, see I used to weigh 400 pounds, but that was long ago and I have been losing and gaining THIS 100 pounds over and over again in the last 10 years, so in actuality I have lost over 133 pounds total, so I am owning that now, and I changed my tracker to show the real numbers, I think I was slightly embarrassed to have weighed 400 at one time, but its the truth, so now I am up to date.

Honest, open-minded, willing.

I do know I am willing to do whatever I need to do, whether that is to feel these feelings, or go the distance. I am NOT willing to overeat today to feel better, cause that stopped working for me a long time ago, oh of course there is fleeting joy in a 1 pound box of chocolates but then, my blood sugar flies sky high, my kidneys scream, my blood pressure shoots up and I could be hospitalized before long, today I would rather live than die, so I am willing to remain on my healthy food plan a day at a time. No matter how much it hurts to feel pain.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JILLYMAUI 11/11/2013 6:03PM

    Thanks so much for the kind words of support, today is better, and I am so glad. emoticon

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HEALTHYSLIM2 11/11/2013 3:58PM

    Awesome blog! You are doing GREAT!!
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Although the most important person is you, and how you feel about yourself, I am so proud of you! emoticon emoticon
Keep it up and trust the process. It is clear from this blog you are doing all the right things. Tough as it is, you are doing it and you CAN do it!!!
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CATLADY52 11/10/2013 2:13PM

    emoticon emoticon

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KITT52 11/9/2013 3:57PM

    emoticon one day at a time

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PROUD-GRANDMA 11/9/2013 3:17PM

    emoticon

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CINDYTW 11/9/2013 10:50AM

  I went through this same "adjustment" to feeling feelings when I quit smoking. I had smoked since I was 14, so I had no idea how to deal with real emotions that weren't blunted by nicotine. For me, the more it happens and the more I go through things, the easier it is and the more you will feel like you can handle it the next time. emoticon

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