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    PROJECTLORNA   80,335
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It is November

Friday, November 08, 2013

I've done it again. I fell off the wagon, rolled into the ditch, down the hill and into a canyon. My weight is at 190. Wow, how could I let myself go that far into the abyss. I need to hitch up the hoist and pull myself up out of the canyon and back up the hill. Then onto the road and SP wagon. I haven't been this big since 2010 and I was doing so well until this summer. I need to learn to love myself again as I was pretty disgusted with my body when the breast cancer diagnosis came in August. Even my oncologist said to me "You have done everything right and still got cancer." So I am thinking why bother to take care of myself and fell into a eating binge for several months. Now I am at 190. I gained almost 40 pounds in 4 months. Oh if I could only lose like I can gain. I left my exercise program in the dust and now need to start all over with that too. But this is the first day of the rest of my life and now that I hit bottom again all I can do is go up. emoticon
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QUEENIEBELLE 11/8/2013 5:13PM

    Hi Lorna, So good to see you writing a blog, and sorting out your feelings. It's tough after what you've gone through. I agree, it's incredible how quickly we can gain. Why oh why can't we get rid of it just as quickly, I don't know. Wish I had an answer.

I, too, hit 190 in late 2010, and am a shorty like you. Unlike you though, I keep stalling in the 180's and 170's and never have been able to get out of that rut. I'm glad you were able to get down for awhile at least, that was good. I still believe in my heart that I can, and I know you can too, and we will maintain and not gain it back. emoticon and I really mean that.

People keep writing about loving ourselves, and I always thought I did, but I guess way down deep I must feel I don't deserve to be a normal weight. I don't know why, because I was a normal weight most of my life, until I was in my 40's and started yo-yoing, and then in my late 40's I had a medical condition and like you, literally gained at the rate of 10 lbs a month until I tapered off at about 177. (from 127) Then I would creep up into the 180's and back down again into the 170's. Then I had another gain up to 190 in late 2010. That freaked me out, and I've managed to stay under that, but just barely. It's like I've had a mental block for years.

I would go on/off Spark People and this last time I came back on, in late Sept. a little over a month ago, I decided that no matter what the scale says, I'm still going to stay on here. It's like I was embaressed that my weight didn't go down, and I didn't deserve to be on here with everyone else. Oh I know there are thousands of people struggling, but I felt conspicuous. Now I know better and will stay on and keep trying. I keep praying for a turning point.

Lorna, God Bless you, little one. You are one of the sweetest people on here. Keep trying and keep in touch. Good friends like you are few and far between. I really care what happens. Go light on yourself and ease back into things. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon ~Sandi

PS we're going out of town on Mon. and won't be back for almost a month, so I won't be on here as much, but I'll still be on when I can. Save a seat on the bus for me. emoticon

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NHES220 11/8/2013 2:53PM

    Lorna - ain't that the truth, if only any of us could lose like we can gain! You were hit with a scary diagnosis, but I know you will get back on track. You can do this!
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