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    FIRECRACKER61   11,776
10,000-14,999 SparkPoints

Not sure why, but I'm in a better place.

Thursday, November 07, 2013

Just when my new way of eating was going really good the ugly binge monster rose up and called on me last night. In the throws of the moment while I was cooking and heating up the leftovers, I tried to ask those questions to myself that Pixie posted regarding bingeing, but I did not get an answer. I was too caught up in the moment I think. So I am trying to reflect a bit this morning. I need to arm myself against the next assault. One thing I did wrong is not stopping for those few minutes. I should have turned off the stove/microwave and walked out of the kitchen. I should have listened to and acted upon the small voice of reason telling me, stop! Leave it! Put it back! Throw it away! Why are you doing this? I ignored that voice.
So what was the trigger? I had just had a lovely day spending time with my 84 yr old mother. I love her so. She is a wonderful Christian lady that devoted herself to helping others. Her love for me is something I treasure. I am the baby of five children and my bond with my mother is very special.
I hate to say this, but I associate comfort food with my mom. Food was one of the ways she comforted me as a child. I loved being sick because I got special attention and the comfort food brought to me on trays. When I was emotionally upset by unkind words of kids in school, after our talk it would end with comfort food. (So was my binge some kind of comfort thing I needed?)
Also, I had gone off my eating plan that day anyway. I did bring over a healthy meal I had prepared to share with her and snacks but she wanted to go to pizza street. Oh know! She does not get out much and I did not want to say no. (Was pizza the trigger?)
I am not really sure what it was that made me binge, but I do know that I am in a better place than I have ever been before, and I have SparkPeople to thank for that. My usual behavior after a binge would be self condemnation and a total train wreck that would derail all my diet efforts for an endless amount of time. But this time, I am stronger then that. I feel no condemnation. Its a new day and I am ready to forget about last nights falling off the wagon and to commit myself to this new beginning. I am actually happy today. I kinda surprise myself.