Wednesday, November 06, 2013
I have been feeling run down for far too long. Yesterday, I went to work and turned around two hours later. Curled up and slept for nearly four hours. I thought I would be recharged for today, but I still feel wiped out.
Things seem to have changed at work or are changing. I'm feeling marginalized, but I am also aware that it could be coincidences. There's an all day seminar on Friday and I am not included while most of my team is attending. We're interviewing for a new student in the department and I'm not part of the interviewing team, unlike the last two students. There's a new project that, apparently, I would normally be part of, but have not been included.
Not sure what to think.
That feeling carries over into my personal life. I learned last night that my aunt has been moved across the country to her eldest son's house because she is no longer able to live alone. I don't have a problem with that - in fact, knowing she is surrounded by people who love her and who will take care of her gives me peace of mind. What is distressing is that I did not know beforehand. Apparently, there was a mini reunion at her home in NM before Karl took her to VA. My youngest sister and the surviving cousins were there. How I found this out was finding a picture of my dad's headstone on my sister's facebook page. It gave me quite a start. Her comments on her page about it led to a few emails where we shared some of our final wishes. Her comments about our aunt and about her final wishes and who does what were hurtful in a selfish way. I am not included. It hurts. Again! I was not a participant in her wedding but I paid for most of it. I was not in another family wedding but my much more beautiful cousin was. It goes on and on and on. My family tree is very fractured and I have never belonged anywhere. This time, because of other issues, I am more vulnerable than before and it really hurts.
I fear I will never see my aunt again. My adopted mom is frail. My own mother is in poor health. I feel, ridiculously, as if everything is looming above me. I realize how all this sounds/reads, but this is honest. It has reawakened old hurts and I did not expect that.
As I was leaving work yesterday, a fire engine and an ambulance pulled in. I finally found out a coworker is now in the hospital with a blood clot. He was on blood thinners but had stopped because he's about to have knee surgery (doctor orders). I am so thankful he's where he needs to be and am praying for a good outcome.
No word yet on BF's biopsy, but he did learn today he has, on top of everything else, a parasite.
I am not exercising or eating right. I have no ability to focus. Frazzled.