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    JUNEAU2010   160,834
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Derailed & Despondent, but I Still have Reasons to be Grateful

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

I have been feeling run down for far too long. Yesterday, I went to work and turned around two hours later. Curled up and slept for nearly four hours. I thought I would be recharged for today, but I still feel wiped out.

Things seem to have changed at work or are changing. I'm feeling marginalized, but I am also aware that it could be coincidences. There's an all day seminar on Friday and I am not included while most of my team is attending. We're interviewing for a new student in the department and I'm not part of the interviewing team, unlike the last two students. There's a new project that, apparently, I would normally be part of, but have not been included.

Not sure what to think.

That feeling carries over into my personal life. I learned last night that my aunt has been moved across the country to her eldest son's house because she is no longer able to live alone. I don't have a problem with that - in fact, knowing she is surrounded by people who love her and who will take care of her gives me peace of mind. What is distressing is that I did not know beforehand. Apparently, there was a mini reunion at her home in NM before Karl took her to VA. My youngest sister and the surviving cousins were there. How I found this out was finding a picture of my dad's headstone on my sister's facebook page. It gave me quite a start. Her comments on her page about it led to a few emails where we shared some of our final wishes. Her comments about our aunt and about her final wishes and who does what were hurtful in a selfish way. I am not included. It hurts. Again! I was not a participant in her wedding but I paid for most of it. I was not in another family wedding but my much more beautiful cousin was. It goes on and on and on. My family tree is very fractured and I have never belonged anywhere. This time, because of other issues, I am more vulnerable than before and it really hurts.

I fear I will never see my aunt again. My adopted mom is frail. My own mother is in poor health. I feel, ridiculously, as if everything is looming above me. I realize how all this sounds/reads, but this is honest. It has reawakened old hurts and I did not expect that.

As I was leaving work yesterday, a fire engine and an ambulance pulled in. I finally found out a coworker is now in the hospital with a blood clot. He was on blood thinners but had stopped because he's about to have knee surgery (doctor orders). I am so thankful he's where he needs to be and am praying for a good outcome.

No word yet on BF's biopsy, but he did learn today he has, on top of everything else, a parasite.

I am not exercising or eating right. I have no ability to focus. Frazzled.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PIXIE-LICIOUS 11/7/2013 9:00AM

    emoticon emoticon I am keeping you in my prayers.

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BRADMILL2922 11/7/2013 1:23AM

    I can certainly understand why you are frazzled. You have a lot to deal with right now and that makes any of this stuff we are trying to do here hard. I hope that changes for you soon and you can get some peace back in your life. Until then, hang in there.

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DESERTDREAMERS 11/7/2013 1:00AM

    You are getting burden after burden piled on - I suspect that some of them would not bother you by themselves, but they are a haystack of the proverbial straws on the camel's back. (As the others have said, not sure why you paid for someone else's wedding??) Anyway, we are all here to support you. Take care of yourself, sweetie.

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_LINDA 11/7/2013 12:30AM

    Soulfish said it best -you have to look after number 1 and not worry about what your ever contentious relatives are doing any given day. That also floors me you paid for someone else's wedding! Especially when you are struggling to stay afloat!
You do need a sympathetic ear to talk to and a shoulder to lean on. Since BF is so stand offish and you don't seem to have a close personal friend that you socialize with, maybe its best to get some counseling. It doesn't have to cost -a church's pastor is always free and they have heard their fair share of things I am sure. You really need to be able to have heart to hearts with someone you know you can trust not to blab it around or belittle you about it in anyway.
Please do all you can to take care of yourself. Getting and sick and run down and tired is a sure sign of looming depression.
I never understood the goings on of your workplace, that is for sure. Are you perhaps working on something major they felt you would not the have time for this latest student?
Sorry about the coworker, that is scary -he might not be able to have the knee surgery, sounds too dangerous for him.. Your boyfriend's parasite, is that out of the blue, hope they have something to get rid of it and maybe you should get checked out too since you eat the same food.
My thoughts are with you, sending warm, comforting hugs,
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KELLIEBEAN 11/6/2013 9:57PM

    I agree with everyone else, you need to keep talking. This is a lot to deal with and you shouldn't go it alone! We are all here for you and I hope you look into professional help as well.

Please take care of yourself. Regardless what others think of you and how they treat you, you are a good person that deserves to be happy and healthy!

I'm praying for good news on the biopsy!

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CATTUTT 11/6/2013 9:25PM

    Aw I'm so sorry to hear you're having a rough go of it. I'd be feeling pretty marginalized and down about all that stuff, also. I'm always the one that never fits in also, so I sympathize. I hope the hurt from all this passes quickly, and you find yourself in a better frame of mind. It's hard to focus on doing anything good when you feel so bad, and I hope those bad feelings don't keep hanging around

Your bf is in my thoughts, I hope he gets good news from the biopsy.
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Take good care of yourself.

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DOGLADY13 11/6/2013 9:21PM

    If these strong feelings persist, you should talk to your doctor. You sound like you need some help managing the conflict and worry in your life.

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SOULFISH80 11/6/2013 8:58PM

    I think is is really important to continue to blog and seek the help and support of others, either on here, other sites or FB. It is important to open up and be honest about our lives when things get tough. It becomes detrimental to our health when we close up and don't admit or discuess the hurts we have. You certainly have a lot on your plate right now, and you have every right to blog about it and to be frazzled. I think one things I've learned after dealing with years of family turmoil is that I have to put me first. If someone doesn't uplift or support me, that is fine, I will support myself. I dont' need someone to give me permission to take care of, love and treat myself the way I deserve. When we truly love ourselves, everything looks brighter, and other peoples hurtful ways can bounce off a little easier. How long have you worked at your job? Would you consider looking for another one? Hope you keep blogging and keep looking for new ways to treat yourself with the love and respect that you deserve. I hope things start looking up for you really soon. Hugs.

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LJOYCE55 11/6/2013 8:19PM

  anyone would be frazzled with this much on their mind. Not sure why you would pay for anyone's wedding other than your own, but consider that a lesson learned. Sorry to hear your BF is having health issues. Sounds like you need a long weekend away to refresh and relax.

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