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Some arguments take longer to get over.

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

In the 10 years we've been married, we've never had a blow up like we did this week. It's nothing new and obviously we're just crazy because we keep on doing the same things and expecting new results... we all know that doesn't work.

I'd like to say first off, we never even contemplate breaking up, we're too much in love, no matter what happens.

This time though, it will take me longer to get over. It's hard when one is neglected for too long. It's not an abusive relationship, it's more of a lacking one.

He's stressed about money all the time. That translates into the bedroom and I know I'm not the only married person only getting some less than once a month. Who knew the wife could have a higher sex drive than the husband? That's never talked about, but is probably the reality of more married couples than you'd think.

So I told him to go back to college and get a higher paying job. I'm not sure why it's all on me to get the second job when he could still work toward getting a quick degree and restart his career, even at 40. It's never too late to restart your life for the better and I know of a technical college near us that would be affordable and that we can get grants with our current situation. It seems that many job openings are turning up in my inner circle, but we're just not qualified at the moment, so I'm looking into making us available to get better jobs. The commuter train station is only one city away and if my husband works toward learning how to fix trains, he could easily work there if an opening happens.

I know when he feels better about his situation as a man, he'll translate that into paying more attention to his wife (me!).

The kids are old enough that we don't have to worry about them as much. They are legally old enough to stay home alone for a half hour or so (the legalities say 20 minutes, I looked up the guidelines a few years back). That means we can do more and not worry about them getting home and having to be there for them when they do.

One thing he did bring up was to go do something this weekend. So I told him to plan it. I know we need more time together, but why it should all fall on me?

I'm tired. I'm feeling vulnerable. I'm upset. I'm stressed. I'm still feeling pretty worthless, but not as bad as yesterday.

Today will probably consist of a nap, then I'm going to start a list of things I'm good at and the things I need to refocus on to make my outlook positive for myself, regardless of my husband.

I know you all see me as being positive no matter what. Sometimes I just need to have the negativity to remind myself of why the positive is so positive. If negativity never happened, we'd never know the positive to be positive.

Today's Holidays: Saxophone Day, Marooned Without A Compass Day, and National Nachos Day.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CODYG123
    We would be denying our humanity if we didn't accept the negative along with the positive. This shunning of "anything negative" is not at all sustainable for a healthy life. Of course negativity can be closely related to fear, of change, of the unknown, of our insecurities. So now it is important to keep on talking and talking and talking. Then some clarity is shed on the unknown and the more data we have the happier we are.

    I hope you find some happiness today and thanks for sharing.
    1474 days ago
  • DR1939
    You might consider the possibility that he is depressed and/or experiencing extreme anxiety. Either of these can result in the sexual problem as well as the inability to see any way out of a situation. Talk to a physician about medication or seeing a therapist. I understand that money problems are anxiety-provoking but most people can face these without crippling anxiety.
    1475 days ago
  • KAREN608
    Your husband really must be stressed out. Now he put some of the stress onto you. Sharing? It's a rocky stretch. Be loving and kind to your husband, tell him you know he is working hard for the family. Egos need a lot of attention. You know him best and what he likes. Also take care of yourself, don't neglect exercise or eating right. The days get dark faster and I think in some ways this is a time of less positive thoughts for a lot of people.
    1475 days ago
  • BRENDA_G50
    You have a lot of good idea's going on about him finishing his college so he can find a better job. Right now it sounds like he's upset that he can't provide the kind of life he wants to for his family. I know it feels like he's taking his resentment out on you, but, actually it has more to do with him. Sometimes we forget that they need to vent too. And unfortunately, sometimes, we are the scapegoat. I believe that's where the old saying: "You always hurt the people you love the most" comes from. The only advice I can give you is: Hang in there, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

    1475 days ago
    First, emoticon for sharing! It was quite validating to read that another person is having a similar life 'experience'.
    Remember, YOU'RE human! Part of that is having emotions that are 'positive' AND 'negative'. This too shall pass -- hang in there and emoticon .
    1475 days ago
    It is very scary to change. My DH was laid off for 2 years and at the start I suggested that he take a little time to enjoy himself as he has worked all his life. It didn't work. His work is part of his identity and he could not stop obsessing. Being out of work is... very scary. Fear of not getting hired again, losing whatever seniority you have, losing whatever benefits you have. It is a lot of possible rejection you face. Once you get qualifications people only want to hire people with experience. My DD's boyfriend is "stuck" in a dead end job and just can't get himself to leave. She sees his potential and we keep telling him that in his 20's and with no dependants he has nothing to lose... but he won't budge. I really hope the two of you work this out.
    1475 days ago
    There is nothing wrong with taking a little long to get over an argument so long as you both keep the lines of communication open. Feeling hurt is legitimate and can take time to get over. Praying that everything works out for you both! It sounds like you know what you need to do to work through this. Time is on your side.
    1475 days ago
    It is always good when we can express what is on our mind and in our hearts. Hope things improve for you on all fronts. Hang in there. emoticon emoticon
    1475 days ago
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