Trying to find my self-worth
Tuesday, November 05, 2013
My husband and I had a major blow-up last night and I did not get one positive thought from his voice. I understand we're always stressed about money, but we can get past that.
I was told the famous "What do you do all day?" line, so I wrote out a list and put it on his desk. We'll see how well that goes over when he sees it later, but for my sake, I needed to see the list too. I know I don't sit around all day and play on the computer, it's just that I get everything done around the house in such a short amount of time that no one sees me do much. The list took up a whole page and I know I forgot a lot. I know it's probably weird and passed on from 100+ years ago when maids were never seen, but the house was always clean, I am rarely seen actually doing housework and am done by the time everyone's home.
I know I need to find a job that fills in what we're lacking, but I fear that going to work will be "just a job" and make me feel just as bad as I do now. I don't want just anything and hope that I have enough art made up shortly enough to start a career as an artist (see yesterday's blog for a sample).
I'm not the best housekeeper, but the house is not a mess, it's a little cluttered, but nowhere as bad as it was a couple of years ago, in fact I've been getting rid of a lot of "stuff" and it's making more space in the home.
The last couple of weeks I've been pigging out on the Halloween candy, but fortunately there's none of the good stuff left and I'm not planning on getting more, but I'm now back in the "obese" category as of this morning and I did change my tracker to see that. There's no hiding the truth when you've written it down. I know I can get back into the "overweight" category in less than that half pound that put me over.
I'm feeling fairly worthless at the moment, but not as bad as this morning.
Now I can go either way, not care and stop taking care of myself and the home, making everyone have to work harder around me, or step up my journey, make everything sparkle and make myself look hot all the time and deny his actions like he's done to me for a few years now. Either way, I think I need to find a counselor or a mediator to get past this this time. We've been at a stale-mate for a couple of years now and neither of us are feeling loved like we want.
Today's Holidays: Guy Fawkes/Gunpowder Day and Doughnut Appreciation Day.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Reading all these comments about how men think a woman should work, take care of the home and children (if they have any), cook for them, clean the house, do the laundry, grocery shop, and so forth, reminds me of how my husband has been since I retired. This is how I handled it (which my mother doesn't approve of by the way): (1) I get a pension after working 30+ years for the same company (even though it's not that much, it's still income). (2) Both of our children are grown and have families of their own, so, no problem there. (3) Since I shattered a vertebra and 2 vertebra's have fused themselves together in 2 different places in my spine, as I got older it became harder to mop and vacuum, so now he does it but he doesn't move the furniture and clean behind it like I use to do (which is okay). (4) He told me once that he needed something washed (after I had just finished doing all the laundry), so I told him he could do it himself since it wasn't in the dirty clothes when I took them downstairs. (4) He once told me I didn't know how to grocery shop the right way, so I told him okay from now on YOU can do it (which he still does for himself and I do mine).
He once told me that he married me because I was independent, but now, he acts like he resents it. Seems like I can't win for loosing.
1532 days ago
I am so sorry to hear this. There is lots of good advice here. First and foremost, marriage takes work and you and DH need to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible, if anything, just to help get you back in a better place of mind and health. You have come too far in our time here together to backslide. I wish I was nearby to help. Get rid of the candy, and focus on the things that make you feel good about yourself. No one will ever do that for us, no matter how much they love us. We need to take care of ourselves. I don't have an easy fix for you, unfortunately. But I am here to offer an ear and hugs of support.
1532 days ago
For some reason, most men want a well run house, meals, laundry AND a woman that earns an income even if it is a job that doesn't pay well and she doesn't like it. It would be better if the man then did half the household duties too. All the jobs I worked at were not much fun, very physical and low paying. Finally after years of that, I am at home. My DH once tried to help me in my cleaning job, just vacuuming a huge place, and decided I really did work very hard for the little pay I got. Since I do not drive and live in the country, he is off my back about working. You two need to talk some more about this. You have to work it out together. Me, personally, I do not get my self worth from a job. It was neat to have one though until I would burn out from the work.
1532 days ago
I'm sorry things were so stressful at home. I bet he was stressed about something else.But it's no less frustrating. Hugs!
1532 days ago
I'm right with you on the feelings at home and with the husband. I am fortunate enough to have a job, but rolling layoff weeks once a month has even made him doubt that contribution. I personally prefered being at a 9-5 type job over working from home. I will only advise not to give up the path. Falling well into the obese categorie again in the last year has made sitting let alone moving less comfortable again. Avoid it. You seem to have time management and self time under control most days. You can do this and work on your state of mind and relationships too.
1533 days ago
I don't give advice much, I hardly ever take it and free advice is often worth what you pay for it. I have been both a stay at home mom and a working mom. I have worked both in and out of the home, sometimes having as many as 3 part time jobs at once. Presently, and likely permanently I am a single mother who works one full time shift work job and one seasonal part time job. I still do everything around the house the cleaning the cooking the laundry well you get the idea. I am always worried about money. Money stress is not alleviated by money. It is alleviated by controlling money. And restricting expenses. Jobs, whether they are fulfilling or not provide a lot of things in addition to money. Social interaction, friendships a feeling of accomplishment and self worth. Marriage and relationships are really hard and complex things and I am not much good at them, but I have found that money doesn't fix them either.
Try to find other ways to get your feelings of self worth. They come from the self and nothing external. If you need to get a job try to see it as a step forward in the direction you want to go a step toward the goal of what it is YOU want to do and a way to figure out what that might be.
Oh, and it might be time to throw out the candy.
Please forgive me if I have over stepped. What I read reminded me of myself
1533 days ago
I feel the same way. My husbands says the same thing, what did you do today. I decided to do nothing for a whole day. He was where is my lunch, did you do my work clothes etc etc he then says I guess you do alot that I don't see. I have been married for 31 years and sometimes I feel that we are now more friends than spouses, he has nevered been real romantic and then out of the blue he will say or do something to make me feel loved again.
1533 days ago
A www..I feel badly for you...I know how difficult marriage can be sometimes....I have been married for 35 years! My husband never sees everything that I do, either! I think this is a pretty common complaint.....It can be very frustrating..... Hang in there.....I think the tensions of everyday life are always adding to the mix, too!
I am feeling like I need to just get out and walk the mall....Not even buy anything....just walk and look.....He sometimes just gets under my last nerve....and getting away for a few hours clears my head....Have you ever tried this? Will be thinking of you......Hugs!
1533 days ago
It sounds like you and your mate need some time together, enjoying something that you mutually like to do, like walk on the beach, a hike mostly active things. I am sure you can come up with something.
A man needs to have 1 day in a womans life so they can appreciate what a woman does "all day" If children are involved that is a 24 hour job compared to their 8 hour day. In fact I think it was posted on FB about the day in the life, and the man did appreciate the mate then!
Don't get opinions about your married life from close friends and family, they always tend to take sides. You need someone like you mentioned, unbiased to help you through this. He needs to attend as well.
Always take care of yourself, you count! Hang in there, be positive these things always work out, to benefit YOU, no matter where it goes.
I gather eating the candy is based on emotional stress, get rid of it.
1533 days ago
Comment edited on: 11/5/2013 1:42:07 PM
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