Tuesday, November 05, 2013
My husband and I had a major blow-up last night and I did not get one positive thought from his voice. I understand we're always stressed about money, but we can get past that.
I was told the famous "What do you do all day?" line, so I wrote out a list and put it on his desk. We'll see how well that goes over when he sees it later, but for my sake, I needed to see the list too. I know I don't sit around all day and play on the computer, it's just that I get everything done around the house in such a short amount of time that no one sees me do much. The list took up a whole page and I know I forgot a lot. I know it's probably weird and passed on from 100+ years ago when maids were never seen, but the house was always clean, I am rarely seen actually doing housework and am done by the time everyone's home.
I know I need to find a job that fills in what we're lacking, but I fear that going to work will be "just a job" and make me feel just as bad as I do now. I don't want just anything and hope that I have enough art made up shortly enough to start a career as an artist (see yesterday's blog for a sample).
I'm not the best housekeeper, but the house is not a mess, it's a little cluttered, but nowhere as bad as it was a couple of years ago, in fact I've been getting rid of a lot of "stuff" and it's making more space in the home.
The last couple of weeks I've been pigging out on the Halloween candy, but fortunately there's none of the good stuff left and I'm not planning on getting more, but I'm now back in the "obese" category as of this morning and I did change my tracker to see that. There's no hiding the truth when you've written it down. I know I can get back into the "overweight" category in less than that half pound that put me over.
I'm feeling fairly worthless at the moment, but not as bad as this morning.
Now I can go either way, not care and stop taking care of myself and the home, making everyone have to work harder around me, or step up my journey, make everything sparkle and make myself look hot all the time and deny his actions like he's done to me for a few years now. Either way, I think I need to find a counselor or a mediator to get past this this time. We've been at a stale-mate for a couple of years now and neither of us are feeling loved like we want.
Today's Holidays: Guy Fawkes/Gunpowder Day and Doughnut Appreciation Day.