Monday, November 04, 2013
Decided to take this week to properly heal. I've been running around like a wild woman trying to figure my life out, and I haven't really been properly addressing the needs of my still tender ankle and knee. So, this week is about rest, water, reading, connecting with God, writing, catching up with friends via phone chats and all around regaining the strength I need for the upcoming move. I will be of no help to myself or hubs if I don't heal this ankle/knee properly, and I just can't do that if I insist on being on it everyday. So, I'm having to give myself permission to rest, calm down, heal, rejuvenate, peace out, all these things. You know, I've been working nearly nonstop since I was in the 5th grade. Back then it was just babysitting and cleaning houses, but since then I've worked anywhere from 7 days a week 9+ hours a day down to my most recent 3, 8 hour work days and one half day, which is the least I've worked in my adult life. I did have a 1.5 year vacation when I first met my hubs............he inherited some money and we traveled, it was wonderful. But that was a long time ago, and I've been working quite hard since then, including a 6 day work week for three years straight. So, as of today, with no work looming over me, and no ability to do much, I'm feeling like I'm in very unfamiliar territory. I haven't really ever been in this exact situation. I have no job. No idea of when I will go back to work, or what kind of work I will be doing. I have unlimited time to focus on me, my health, my future, my priorities. I feel really odd. Like I really don't have any idea which direction to go in. I want to do a million things. Of course money and mobility are keeping me from many of them. But all of this free time has me dreaming of starting that afghan I want to make, finishing a multitude of books I've started and pusing forward on my poems I've been jotting down recently. It is really a completely different mindset than the one I've been in for most of my life. Survive, work, survive, work, eat, sleep, survive, work. I mean really, all of that surviving for what? Where was the joy? Sure there were moments here and there that were really great. But overall the last 5 years have been a real pain in my butt. And I feel somehow, that this door is closing. I have no idea how it opened, and I had given up on the possibility of it ever closing. I saw myself working at that little barbershop, in this little town, living in this little apartment, spending most of my time alone, eating bad food and lonely as all get out for the rest of my life. I made the most of it, with my personal hobbies and interests, but deep, deep inside, I was dying.........in many ways already dead. Everything I'd dreamt possible failed. Family troubles, teamed with financial and personal turbulations left me a shell of my former self. But today, all that seems to be a place that is fading into the distance. I really had no idea quitting my job would open my minds eye to so many possiblities, so many feelings and dreams I'd let fall to the wayside years ago.
So, today, as I give myself permission to idly daydream my week away as I heal and reinvent myself, I am reminded of the beauty of life I once knew. The beauty of life I feel pulsing through my veins again. Sure it's not all roses and hollyhocks from here on out. But atleast I know I'm not in a deadend job, in a deadend town, with no friends and no future. I have a dream, possibilities, hopes, ideas, plans. And mostly, I'm opened the the path of the uknown. Who knows where the journey will go. I certainly do not, nor have I ever. So, as I embrace my future in all it's glorious uncertainty, I hope you too can reinvent yourselves in ever more brilliant hues of vibrance.
I hope your day is sparkling and your hearts are aflame with the wonder that is life. May we never take another day for granted.