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Too Stubborn to Listen (Blog #442)

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Recently, I went on a most beautiful fall ride. It took longer than normal simply because I had to stop and capture the small moments. The ride is along an old railroad track turned trail for cyclist, horses and pedestrians. It stretches about 27 miles one way... and crosses only one road. The rest of the ride is a study in tranquility.

This particular morning started off with a heavy fog and hardly any people. The threat of a cold fall day seemed to have stalled the traffic. The entire 27 miles was dotted with dew-ladden webs.

As I road along, the crunch of the leaves under my tires lulled me into thinking.

Lulled into thinking about the past year... The successes and the challenges...

The past year, I have continued with my exercise. It feels odd now when I skip a walk, a run or ride, like a gap in my life. I do not go every day but enough each week that I feel good. I have kept in shape enough to average at least 200 miles on my bike each month and my walking has increased. My running is slow and not as frequent but it still feels good. My rides and walks fill me. A success.

The past year... I have not been spot on with my food choices. For the most part, I eat well. I won't say I have a pretty typical "American" diet, but I have a sweet tooth more than anything else. My body has changed dramatically since I turned 50 a few years back but my appetite for sweets has not changed since I used to buy sweets at the corner pharmacy when I was 8 years old. My good days of eating more small meals frequently are few and far between. My schedule is consistently inconsistent so my eating habits have followed suit. My water intake is horrendous as I am constantly worried about the fact that my bladder bursts even with one glass of water.

In the past year... I stopped tracking for three reasons - excuses. First, it was a pain and I really do not like the app. It took too much time for something that I wanted to go more quickly. I got more and more irritated with the clunky tool. Second, I wanted to ignore the black and white of the numbers. Third, I was rebelling against the expectation to track.

In the past year... I lost my connection with so many folks on the website. As I stopped reaching out, the silence began to deafen. The most striking moment was when Monty died. Those who knew Monty here on Spark probably felt the huge sense of loss when he died. I retreated big time then. And the silence continued to be deafening.

And in the silence I wondered. Why does the support of others seem to matter so much if the person who needs to live well and live healthily is me. Why does the thumbs up from strangers matter? Should it matter? Does mattering mean that I can't do this for myself alone? Does mattering mean I am weak and unable to do go on this journey alone? Is this a flaw?

All of this and more goes through my brain most especially when I am on my rides. The quiet crunch of the leaves accompany the questions and hint at the answers. I feel like the answer is screaming at me and I am too chicken or maybe to stubborn to listen. And too stubborn to act.

"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." Author Unknown

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1078 days ago
    1079 days ago
    I am like you in that I have slowly stopped tracking and only connect with certain people on SP but connections are so important to me because my friends give me the motivation and push that I need. I have missed your blogs and am so happy you are reconnecting! Doing this healthy eating and exercise thing is hard but with the insight from people like you, I know I'll get to the finish line some day! emoticon
    1082 days ago
    What a wonderful blog. And yes, I do think support matters. This morning on my way to work in the dark I walked passed a sidewalk sweeper, we both said good morning to each other. It put a smile on my face to start the day. It DOES matter! And beautiful pictures to boot!
    1082 days ago
    emoticon to blogging - we missed you 'stubborn' emoticon
    1083 days ago
    We can do it alone but sometimes a comment from a friend makes all the difference in our motivation level. Loved your photos! emoticon
    1083 days ago
    I think you have been listening to my thoughts. I have not been tracking. My excuse that I really don't like the recipe calculator. It seems very cumbersome for someone that likes to cook and try new recipes. I have stopped blogging becuase I sound whinny even to myself. I am lurking on SP but hardly participating. You are right, the silence is deafening. I definitely do better when I am more invovled. Today, I will take steps to snap out of it before it goes too far.
    1083 days ago
    Perhaps it could be done alone, but why should I do it that way when being part of a community makes it so much easier? I've had to lose the weight more than once because I wanted to feel like the problem was solved and I stopped tracking. I will be tracking forever to stay in control of my weight.

    I love your photos. That's a lovely trail.
    1083 days ago
    Oh, yeah, been there done that with the tracking. Funny too since it's genuinely easy to track, save meals, find equivalents, etc. And it helps so much when we actually see what we are eating. It was a huge revelation to me to see that I was eating two-three-four portions worth when I thought it was a "good" size. Sweets are my big downfall too, but I've gotten better with portions there and I've learned to throw things away!
    So, hang in there! Keep pushing!
    p.s. Love the pics!
    1083 days ago
    Maybe that old adage is true " you don't know how important something is until it is gone from your life". I think going through an evaluation phase in life is very important as it lets us grow and sends us on new paths that we never thought we would take normally.

    Love the photos!
    1083 days ago
    1083 days ago
    I miss Monty too.
    He was so awesomely one of your biggest fans, just reading his steadfast encouragements to you, I felt the energy of his postive force.
    1083 days ago
    I can understand and relate to much of what you have written. I hear that you need the support but feel you should be able to do it yourself. Best of luck in what ever you choose. emoticon
    Your bike ride sounds wonderful and I really enjoy looking at the photos.
    1083 days ago
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