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Losing My Way

Friday, November 01, 2013

I woke up with many things on my mind many hours of hurt. And this song rang through my heart loud and clear...

Justin Timberlake: Losing my way

Can anybody out there hear me?
'Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
'Cause I can't seem to see myself...
There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
'Cause I can't seem to feel myself

Losing my way
Keep losing my way...
Keep losing my way...
Can you help me find my way?
Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way...
Can you help me find my way?

This song is how I have been feeling for months now. I don't want to go into great detail about why today is hard on me or how I feel stupid and disposable, but it happened last night. I was left in a situation that made me hurt bad by the one person I keep trying to convince myself actually loves me. With the event of last night I now see I am a fool and I only have 5% of hope left for us. I feel like I am being punished for my past only because I do not understand why I would God leave me stuck in this pain for so very long. Each time hope slips away my heart feels like I am on a swing when ever I come down my heart drops and there goes my hope. I will say that I am grateful for what I do have and that is my mother and daughter. If I could give them anything it would be me happy for once. A complete me. I don't know if that will ever happen because I am given up slowly on myself and all the things I know I have the right to have in my life. I just want at this point what I need to give my daughter the best and that is where I am at. Give me what I need to make sure the love of my life, my daughter, gets 100% of the best of me!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You have gone through a lot, as of late, Ginger.

    I miss you!
    1552 days ago
    I can so relate to these feelings. I pray that God will bring comfort to you as you work out this situation in your life. I pray that God will protect your heart and wipe away the tears. I am a testimony that God does heal a broken heart and in God's time, he does give the desire of your heart.
    God has not forgotten you . He is the God of all comfort and He will help you at this time in your life.

    1557 days ago
    I hope you don't mind another "stranger" commenting, Ginger, but your words touched me...and made me remember. You were telling my story, even I think some the things you didn't say outright. That was decades ago. Some hard decisions and decisive moves were necessary, and they changed my life for the better. It sounds as if you're standing at that same crossroads now.

    I think the truth is that you really don't need anyone else to help you find your way, because you already know what you need, what needs to be done. Sometimes it's just hard to let go of pain because it's familiar, and because the unknown is scarier than what we know, even when what we know is killing us. But you have all you need to change your situation and never look back. You just have to decide.

    I don't know you, but God does...I'll be praying for you, Ginger.

    1562 days ago
    No matter what you may feel, God loves you just the way you and that's a fact. I was in a dysfunctional marriage for several years. I did keep praying that God would help us for years. And I thought I was "in line" with God's will for me and my family. Years later as I became more dependent on God and believed in Him and believed Him and really sought God with all my heart, I was finally able to really see and understand what had been going on for all those years of struggle and pain. What I learned just recently is that God had been with me the whole time I was praying to Him, it was I who had "left" His side. I wanted more than ever for my marriage to work and sacrificed more than I should have as a result, God told me one day that my marriage had become my god. It wasn't Him, I had made my god something other than God Himself. That was a very difficult reality to take, but I knew He was right. As a result of this inspiration, I divorced my husband (I'm not suggesting you do the same) because I was now seeking God's will, not mine. And I know God didn't want the things that were going on in my home to occur, but I HAD to "get on board" with Him and follow Him, not go off on my own. I was acting like I knew better than God and my actions and decisions, showed this. All my decisions were one's I thought were the absolute best for me and my family. But they were all my decisions. When I started letting God "take the wheel" things went and still are MUCH better. I "once was blind, now I see"!! I had to take off the "rose colored glasses to see clearly what I needed to do. There was a reason for the pain and I think it was God bringing me to Him because I had no one else to depend on. Ironically, I'd been asking Him to bring me closer to Him all those years in prayer. He feels your pain and knows what you're capable of, with Him.
    1564 days ago
  • JULIA75
    Hi, hope you don't mind a stranger commenting on this.

    I stumbled on it (the background image caught me eye, it's really good!) and two things caught me:

    1 - "why would God leave me stuck in this pain for so very long" - not God. God doesn't pick your lover (or fiance, or husband?) and doesn't make your decisions. I thinking waiting for any God to solve our relationship agonies makes as much sense as waiting for one to make us slim and fit. Bad relationships are... I think going through some of them is normal. Everything else in our lives we learn, we learn it by starting out pretty clueless and making mistakes and learning from them and keeping at it. Relationships are so complex, how could we not make mistakes and be clueless about them? The only reason we expect them to be a breeze is because a zillion romance stories tell us that with the one perfect man, it'll all be bliss and roses and happiness.

    2 - this sounds a bit like an echo because I spend years (!) agonizing about a relationship with someone who had his great and his driving-me-nuts sides. And writing lots and lots of blog entries! The reason to finally end it was: no communication. Nothing I said seemed to arrive, he didn't talk about what he wanted or not wanted, and nothing ever ever changed. Looking back, I should have ended it much sooner; I don't think a relationship can survive without communication.

    I'm thinking maybe you could approach this like you did losing weight and getting fit? Look for advice and support to get a clearer view of the situation and yourself? Like life coaching or something like that; where I live, there are social organizations offering that for free.

    whatever you do, I think it's great that you're focusing on your daughter and being there for her and listening to her. Good luck to you!
    1565 days ago
    I love what MINININJASUZUME said. Sometimes we blame God for circumstances we put ourselves into. God doesn't "zap" us or cause bad things to happen. I know that sometimes we wish He would get us out of or change our circumstances. But, sometimes we have to make those decisions ourselves. He will give you the strength to go through those trying times though.God has a unbelievable plan for your life. I'm sure all of this may be confusing to you. And, quite honestly, it may be confusing when we talk about God like we do, but I hope you will feel comfortable to ask me questions. I taught school for 30 years. Believe me, there's no dumb question--except the one that goes unasked. I will do my best to answer any questions that you might have. Meanwhile, like you, I will be praying for you. I think that you are 100 percent right to put your family (daughter and mother) in the forefront of your priorities. Your daughter is a precious treasure that you've been given.

    Your FRIEND,

    1569 days ago
    Did you know that it is possible that God is wanting to give you something better than the put downs from a guy you wish would treat you respectfully and with love?
    Why not just ask Him? Then wait until the answer comes. Often, when things are upset in my world, I ask God, "What are you trying to tell me"?
    Best wishes, friend. Don't give up! Try to think of some positives today about yourself and your daughter. Concentrate on the good and not let the negatives weigh you down.
    1570 days ago
    God hasn't given up on you and neither has your family and friends. You need to turn to god for support, he will not let you down. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1570 days ago
    Ginger, the one lady is right, God isn't leaving you in this pain sweetheart, your just not allowing Him to guide you into a more joyful life. I love you, Amy B.
    1570 days ago
    I too understand, trust me. My fiance and I are currently going through a situation that would NEVER have seen either of us in...and it won't be resolved for another 7 to 7 and a half years at least. :(

    But the good thing is that this situation has given me time to search for and understand what's truly important. Regardless of how much something hurts or my heart hurts for what someone else is going through, I have realized that I'm no good to anyone if I don't take care of myself. My health and happiness are important, and when those I love see me healthy and happy it helps ease their stress and worry (which negatively affects their health).

    If your mother and daughter are important to you and you want to be the best you can for them, then you need to take time to focus on yourself. The one who is causing you this pain is standing in the way of you being the best you can be for them. Think of knights and nobles. The knights have to keep fit and healthy in order to protect and take care of those nobles. You're the knight and your mom and daughter are the nobles. Your commitment to them should be such that you won't allow anyone or anything to get in the way of protecting them and being the best you can for them.

    I don't feel that God ever creates situations to cause us pain. I think sometimes we don't see or pay attention to warning signs and as a result, we experience pain we may not have had to. If this person is causing you pain, then they are clearly not a good influence on your life. You are not obligated to stay with them. Your only real obligations are to yourself, your daughter and your mother because they are family. This other person is not necessary, but because you're allowing them to hang around you're experiencing unnecessary pain.

    I know that may sound harsh and I know stepping away is easier said than done. But when I look back on most of the relationships I've been in I realize that I went through a bunch of crap with most of them for no reason. I'm not with those people and yet I'm still living, standing strong and tall and enjoying my life. You can feel the same thing. Even if you let this person go, you will continue to live and remain standing. They did not create you, and they shouldn't be able to take you apart or destroy you. Remember that...
    1571 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1571 days ago
    i can completely sympathise with how you are feeling
    1571 days ago
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