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    KAILYNSTAR   68,066
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Here It Is


Friday, November 01, 2013

I've been feeling rather unconnected with life for a while.

I've been sparking less, doing less and feeling tired and exhausted.

I have been doing things with the kids and being 'the Mom', but yet, when the kids are gone and my husband is at work. I'm here, yet I'm not motivated to do things. Like clean house, go for a walk, even doing the basics of dishes, sweeping, getting the mail.

I'm really good at putting on a show. Nobody knows that things are off with me. My husband is chalking it up with just being anaemic. You know. I AM tired and if I do have energy, it wanes fast.

So, I'm finally putting it on the table with you, my friends. My lovely, lovely friends.


My Dad is dying.


He has T-cell lymphoma. What the exact name of the cancer is, don't ask me. I don't know. It long. It doesn't matter. The only thing is, is there is no treatment.

He's been sick for about five years. Undiagnosed. Looking for answers. Nothing. Then one day just over a year ago, he went into emergency and the doctor that was on call said, "I could be wrong, but I think you have lymphoma."

Just like that.

After all the doctor visits, tests and looking for answers. It took that one trip to emergency and that one doctor nailed it. Huh.

Needless to say, surgery was done. They took out some intestine and sent biopsies out. The one place couldn't figure it out. The next place did. T-Cell Lymphoma.

My Mom took Dad to the cancer treatment place later on to find out what next.

Yep. You've got it. No treatment.

They have nothing. If they tried treatment, he would have been worse off right away. My Dad was reasonably healthy in every way. Why torture him with radiation that won't work anyways?

Mom and Dad went home and started to pick up the pieces of living again.

Dad was told that he probably wouldn't make it to Christmas. He did. He wasn't feeling 100%, yet he wasn't that bad off either.

He looked into what causes it. He looked into herbal remedies and such.

He's alive.

We did a family reunion on the August long weekend. He had a good time. People came that we haven't seen in a long time. Yet, there was disruption with his siblings, because of another issue. (My Grandma). So none of his siblings came. It didn't matter, who came was cousins, Aunts, Uncles, further reaches of relatives. It was great.

After that, my Dad started going down hill. He so tired, he's in pain, he's coughing blood.

My Grandma dies.

We go to her funeral and as I watch my Aunts and Uncles proceed up the aisle to sit down for the service. All sad and quiet. I can't help but notice that they have colour. They look healthy, yet older. Then there is my Dad. So white, so pale, so much smaller and he looks weak. My Mom walking beside him, so tiny and frail looking, yet strong. She had lost so much weight from doing so much and being so stressed.

It so morbid to say this, but during the cemetery proceedings, I looked around and thought, pretty soon, we'll be here again. For my Father.

That was at the end of August.

Now is November. My Dad is still here. He can't lift things. He has a hernia where he had his surgery was and there is no way they will put him on the table. He wouldn't make it. He finally saw his Doctor since diagnosis and they talked about things.

So, I had to go to Mom and Dad's with my family to help finish the capes that my Mom was making for my kids. As soon as I walked in the door, my Dad said. "My Doctor said 'this was it. There's nothing more.' I'm on my final stage."

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "The final countdown."

He looked back at me and said, "Yep. The final countdown."

He's so tired and in pain. His stomach cramps so bad. He tries to look better than he feels, yet he doesn't so much in front of me. Mom says it's because he knows he can't fool me into his act.

So, I helped Mom finish sewing. My girls stayed in the living room with us more than in the kitchen with Dad. We joked and giggled and sang little dittys. My husband and son were in the kitchen with Dad talking. Listening to the radio play which was The War Of The Worlds.

We left as soon as possible because Dad feels compelled in staying up and being around and we know he needs his rest.

Yet, I'm putting on a show too.

You see. I'm being upbeat with my family. I laugh, joke, play, sing, cook and just be the Mom and wife.

Yet, when they are at school and work. I'm here. Alone. Wondering when that phone of mine will ring with another request from my Mom to help with something. Or what's happening at school with my DD2 and DD3. One has a broken toe, the other her foot is bothering her from trick or treating last night. When is my sister going to call me and tell me about all her problems with Mom and Dad or work. Is that doorbell going to ring with Brother at the door to shoot the breeze while waiting for his girlfriend to finish at work and then they can do something for dinner. (He's a trucker so works odd hours).

What next?

For some reason, my Mom, brother, sister, cousins, Aunts and friends, rely on me.

They think me as a strong individual. Capable of much and sometimes annoying. If I get short with my sister, she calls me a brat (among other things) and says that I'm selfish. Except, I don't see or hear of her being at our parents and helping out. I don't hear from her unless she wants to complain or find out things. If she does ONE thing for any of us, 'we owe her so much'.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm the one people turn to when things get tough. I'm uncomfortable. I sleep and yet I'm tired. I don't sleep and I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed with grief, purpose, anxiety, hate and I love so much.

I'm confused.

Anyway, this is where I am right now.

My thoughts are a jumble and to blog this was hard. If it makes sense. GREAT! If it doesn't I'm sorry. I'm posting it anyways. emoticon

I just thought you should know what has been going on for the past year on the 'back burner' as life carries on.

I'm still here for all of you.

Just not all the time.

I'm sorry.

Take care of yourselves and hug the ones you love really, really hard.



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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
FLGIRL1234 11/6/2013 3:36PM

    As one of the people who have supported me the most on here, it breaks my heart what you've been going through. In some ways I can relate. While my father is not dying he is ill and been in a hospital bed for the last 3 years and wont be getting out I'm sure. I am dubbed the "strong" one in my family too and expected to handle all things when it comes to anything hard to deal with within the family. Sometimes you just want to scream "Ahhhhh I need a shoulder too" but you don't because you're afraid to break the balance on the whole family dynamic. I am the oldest of 4 and my sister is the youngest (with two brothers in between) and she is the most dependant of all. She wants to nab all the credit while I do all the work and helping out. So to say I feel your pain is so very true. While I don't think my parents are ready to leave the world just yet, I do worry about what will happen when it does...emotionally, mentally and financially. It's so hard. My heart is with you during this time. I know it has to be hard trying to still focus on you with so much going on around you. Keep your head up and being strong and when you need to....cry on your husbands shoulders. Let it out. Thank you for sharing such a personal thing in your blog. We all are here to support you.


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EASTENDCLAM 11/2/2013 5:32AM

    Phyllis, thanks for sharing. Your great strength and courage will see you and your family through this even though you may not feel it now. Anytime you need us, we're here.

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SHEILA1505 11/2/2013 1:56AM

    Oh, Phyllis, I'm so very sorry - for your Dad, and your Mum. For you - big hugs my friend - I wish you could put your head on my shoulder and I could hug and rock you while you cry. It's such a hard road you are travelling - no wonder you feel overwhelmed and tired.

xxxx

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PRINCESS_SOFI 11/1/2013 5:20PM

    emoticon

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ICEDEMETER 11/1/2013 1:15PM

    I just came across your blog, and it hit me straight to the heart. I'm the "strong one" in my clan, too, and was the one everyone turned to when my first husband died of lymphoma, and when my Dad died a few years ago of esophageal cancer.

What I learned with my late husband was that I had to ask for what I needed. I told people when I needed to be weak, when I needed to cry, when I needed them to take over some responsibilities because I just wasn't up to it. I made lists for his brothers and sisters of things for them to do. I made sure that I enlisted the help of friends who were close enough to care, but not close enough to be grieving as much as the family. I blogged on CaringBridge and got things in front of me, where they weren't as scary as they were in my head.

We had no kids, but had 13 nieces and nephews who were all very close. We cried in front of them, we were sad in front of them, and we all learned that it's okay to have and express feelings. Those kids were the best possible comfort, and they cried and were sad with us, too.

Those lessons got me through when my Dad died. I was in a new city, with a new partner, and yet was still the "anchor". I flew back every couple of weeks and was there with him for every doc appointment and treatment. I would tell my partner when I needed to cry, when I needed him to take over things, when I needed a happy distraction --- and he came through it as my anchor. I was also the one who my Dad never "put on an act" for --- he needed someone who he could lay it on the table with. Not easy, but what an incredible compliment and statement of love!

You've taken the step of getting your feelings out here, and I do hope that it helped you to feel somewhat better. Please consider a chat with your husband about what he can do to help you, and being more open about your sadness with your kids. They can't support you if you don't tell them that you need it.

Strong thoughts and big hugs to you and yours...

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