Well, they mixed and that gives you a picture of what yesterday and today have been for me.
I have been trying to fight my current emotional down-slide for awhile now, I have been trying to focus (and blog about) all the good things, kind of a fake it til you make it approach. But yesterday...I just gave in to it. I literally sat and watched tv ALL day. Other than restroom trips and making breakfast and lunch, I did not get out of my chair.
Breakfast wasn't too bad, neither was lunch. Dinner, however, dinner was bad. I wanted Chinese for dinner last night. Its a huge trigger food for me, that's why we don't do the buffet anymore (by my choice). I had been able to control myself with doing takeout...it was a big accomplishment for me.
Until last night.
And breakfast this morning.
Then there was lunch today. (There was a lot left over)
I managed to reel myself back in for dinner, I had a couple small slices of pizza and that was it.
Somehow, I found room for candy too.
By the time I got to the candy, I realized that I was only after the temporary satisfaction that trigger foods bring, not to mention that chocolate has an effect on serotonin levels.
I can't even think how to calculate how many calories I had today. I don't think it was even 2500 The Chinese food was a lot of bulky veggies, but I am mad at myself for keeping my stomach so full for so long.
I felt like I was going through hell when I started eating normal people sized portions and felt very accomplished for shrinking the size of my stomach...I usually can't eat anywhere near the size portion that I used to eat and am very uncomfortable physically and emotionally when I over-do it.
I tried talking to my beau about how I am feeling lately, but depression is not something that he has experienced and how do you explain color to a blind person?
I told him that when my insurance kicks in at the first of the year, I think I need to find a doctor and go back on medication. I tried to explain to him that its NOT his fault, its really nothing to do with him. He doesn't understand why "he doesn't make me happy".
I am happy with him, its my 'self' that I am not happy with. It's not even that, its a chemical imbalance that I have control of sometimes and other times, I need help.
I NEED to pull myself back on track with my nutrition and exercise. I need to get out of the house. I need a job. I need my life back.