Thursday, October 31, 2013
BF decided, after all, he did not want me there. The VA hospital is minutes by car or by foot from where I work, but he had a friend take him. I guess he thought I'd make a scene because he told me his appointment was at 3 and that I could just head home from work and he would be home around 5.
I got home a few minutes after 3 to find him standing on the porch! He had already gone and come back. It's his prerogative, of course, and I know he has to deal with this in his way, but I do feel a bit shut out. (LONG story). He says he'll get the results in a few days. I can only guess at what he's going through since his mom died from stomach cancer. We saw her when she was dying. She was in so much pain and she was so afraid! Her caregivers were dismissive to her and disrespectful to her husband and the rest of the family. It was horrible! We are not married and so I have no legal right to know anything. Never mind that I have been supporting him since 1990~ another long story. But I will not push. I have not walked in his shoes and must let him deal with this in his way.
My Spark Friend PIXILICIOUS started a new team and I joined it because she is so inspirational. I committed (gulp, gulp) to 2 goals on the team: to blog daily for 3 weeks and to commit to some kind of exercise for "Movember". October was "Rocktober" and I did not do much.
I committed to walking 5 days a week and, when I am able, to start up, slowly and lightly, with my kettlebells. I hate to exercise. I am not good at it. I hurt myself and I hate it more and the cycle keeps going. Rain, if we please God get some, is no excuse. Where I work, there are four buildings and you can walk through all of the buildings without going outside. We also have lots of stairs, hills and a microscopic gym that is always in use (I hate to have anyone see me move!).
The blog commitment is just as hard. I don't blog about my SP journey because, pretty much, I have just been going through the motions. I am not succeeding. I am not even trying right now! So, I decided to be a little bit more open about my struggles, take the tough love, open myself to the world of SP support and advice AND accountability!
At work, we had a Halloween potluck that I did not want to attend. I cannot afford to bring food to feed people and I did not want to eat someone else's when I came empty-handed. But one friend wanted me to see his costume, a new coworker shared her spam sushi with me and insisted I come with her. She is so new to the company and he is such a nice and shy guy, I had to go. I forgot the other intangible which is that it pays to be seen at company events. My VP definitely takes notice of the attendees from his department.
I work with some great chefs! I did not try everything, but I definitely ate way more than I should have. I cannot even begin to track it. I did not, consciously at least, attribute it to the stresses, but I am sure they are contributors.
Tomorrow, MOVEMBER starts. Moving forward, I am! I need to keep track of my goals. Long term, of course, is to lose this tonnage and diminish the chances that this weight will impact my health any more than it already has. Medium term is to lose 30 pounds, to make some real changes in my lifestyle. Short term - start honoring the commitments I have made.
This blog is one of those commitments.