Thursday, October 31, 2013
I was feeling pretty lost here recently. I've been sick for almost 2 months now. Within a week after I ran the half marathon in Regina, I got sick. Shingles. It really kicked my butt. I had already signed up for another half marathon in Niagra Falls. Hubby and I decided to still go. I wouldn't be able to run, but we could make a holiday of it anyhow.
I ended up walking the half marathon. It took me just over 3 1/2 hours. I didn't run a single step. I was too weak to. I am actually surprised I was able to walk the entire thing.
Anyhow, I've had some time to reflect over this past year. I worked hard and trained hard for the race in Regina. I only lost 4lbs the entire time. I actually signed up for this second one a couple of months later to help keep me on track and continue through with my training - it didn't work out that way.
I am still fairly sick. I'm battling one wicked cold now. It's still building at this point.
I'm so tired. Not only from being so sick. I'm also tired and worn out.
I thought I was doing what I needed to do to shed these extra 30lbs. I was mistaken. The scale might lie on a week to week basis, but not over a 6 month period of time.
I guess I didn't realize it, but I've actually been out-eating my fitness. I've known for a long while now that I can't seem to force myself to eat salads. I told myself there are other ways to get my freggies in. I am starting to wonder if I've used that as the perfect excuse to actually not eat my freggies in the long run.
I've been at a bit of a cross roads for a couple of weeks now. Part of me wants to buckle down and train. Eat right. Run. And loose this weight. Part of me wants to just throw in the towel. I'm sick. I'm weak. Physically weak, but it's wearing me down emotionally too.
The tough part I haven't really faced is that taking the first path - training, eating right, and loosing the weight - is not going to be that easy. It's the harder work of the two. And I'll be starting over at square one. I don't even track my foods anymore. I'm not drinking my water. I'm not even paying attention to what I am eating, or when.
The reality is, choosing the second path - just giving up - is not really an option for me. The regret I live with every day is taking a toll on me. I guess that's another thing I haven't faced. I see this path as the easy one. Eat what I want. Do what I want. Deal with training "later". When I feel better. Reality is I'll never really feel better and be all gung ho to start.
So I'm thinking now I've got today to rest and get my crap together. Get ready to face the music and be ready to go in the morning. Recharge all my running gadgets. Get out a new pair of shoes. Get my cooler weather running gear all together.