Thursday, October 31, 2013
hi everyone! happy Halloween! its raining--has been all night long and promises more of the same today. sitting here with my little list--it looks like my friend is getting her photos together for a second Christmas card project--so I need to mount a piece of paper to get ready for that. so today--I need to get my exercises done--looks like the dogs may not get their wallk, though. I need to bake a batch of dog cookies, clean the baths, sketch for 30 minutes, mount watercolor paper, start working on my slate tryptich and look around at granola recipes.
got everything done on my list yesterday--even made a little more progress in the barn than I expected to.
doing a lot of inner work right now on self worth and self acceptance. i have been thinking a lot lately of where self critical behavior comes from. are we modeling the behavior we saw as children? i feel like my parents were very negative and critical of me, so i learned to be negative and critical of myself--i was simply modeling my own behavior off of theirs. i recently read something that said "comfort eating" has now been classified as a mental illness and it made me wonder--if the self criticism were gone, would the reason for the comfort eating go away too? maybe not all of it, but a good portion of it? last night i couldn't sleep, so i got up and began to just pose questions to myself--the main one being--if all my negative self talk and beliefs suddenly became the complete opposite--how would my life change? i thought a lot about how i think of myself and how i have heard others speak about me. the two things were very different. so why have i internalized all the bad, which is basically the complete opposite of how other people describe me? i don't believe that we develop our belief systems in a vacuum--they come from someplace. and in the examining i came to understand that i have almost ZERO memories of being praised or approved of in my family. there were kind things done for me on occasion but kind uplifting WORDS were never spoken--only critical things. i learned quickly to diminish any praise that came my way--by refusing to accept or enjoy it--my first impulse was to obliterate it--in fact i felt like i was doing the "right thing" by reacting to praise in this way. WHY? WHO TAUGHT ME THIS IS RIGHT???? now as an adult when someone says something nice about me i almost don't even understand what they are saying--i have learned the art of wiping these thoughts away so well. it's a very strange thing.
what would my life be like if these things suddenly shifted 180 degrees?
i would like to find out.