Wednesday, October 30, 2013
I have realized the last couple days that I am just as hard, if not harder, on myself now than I was 50 pounds ago. Lately Iíve been inclined to disparage myself and feel guilty, fat and inadequate. I have been trying to figure out why that is. And I think Iíve discovered the source.
Iím crazy. Ha. Iím kidding. Kinda.
I am an intense perfectionist and put a TON of pressure on myself. I am frequently motivated by fear, specifically fear of failure. I have had friends, bosses, and professional coaches tell me this over the years. Iíve agreed every time itís come up. Because I know this about myself. Iím also intensely goal driven and self-motivated. In short, I am my own worst enemy.
Iíve been stuck somewhere between 3.5 and 8 pounds from my goal for months. And recently, itís left me saying some not very nice things to myself.
Not losing a pound a week = failure. Not forsaking a personal life for weight loss = failure. Not resorting to extreme deprivation to achieve a goal = failure. Not wanting to work out after a long day at the office = failure.
After all, by now (over 18 months since I started), Iím supposed to be a hard core Olympic-level athlete who never eats her emotions or drinks too much wine on a Friday night. Iím supposed to be perfect. And I am so not perfect.
I blogged earlier that I had the fleeting thought of wanting to be normal. And I think that was my subconscious telling me, weíre tired. Weíre tired of obsessing and feeling bad and being negative all the time. Time for a rest.
SO, I am going to do as much as I can through the end of the Fall 5% Challenge and then Iím done focusing on losing weight. Wherever I end up at the end of that, I think thatís my new goal weight. Bonus - I will have already achieved it! After that, time to spend that energy on something else.