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This time around is so much harder...

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I've done the workout/clean eating/diet/exercise thing before and it hasn't been such a bad deal. In 2012, I lost between 30-40 lbs. It was great, I did two Warrior Dashes and told myself I was going to do a Tough Mudder. Well, it is nearing the end of 2013, and not only did I put the weight back on that I lost, but I added another 35 lbs on top of it. Its embarrassing but I did it.

Well, I have committed to do a Tough Mudder in 6 months in Chicago with some friends and family, and I started training today. No more unhealthy food, no more lazy days. But for some reason, today has just been really hard mentally. I never remember it being this hard in the past to eat healthy and workout. At 5:00 AM this morning, it took every ounce of self-loathing I had to pull myself out of bed, grab a protein bar, and go to the gym. Self-loathing? I don't remember needing self-loathing to motivate me before... Anyway, got in a morning run (more of a walk/jog slower than molasses in January) but I did it. Almost threw up at the end. Not a pretty sight.

Breakfast was a frozen fruit/yogurt smoothie, and by lunch, my body was like "Let's go eat a pizza!" OMG Pizza sounds so good. Or Peanut Butter. Or a giant bacon BBQ burger from Fat Edd's. I went to the grocery store, bought a Smart Ones, went home and nuked it, and it was actually pretty good. Then I took my dog on a walk before I had to go back to work. I hated myself and this "diet" every second so far today.

I know that it's not my body telling me to go to Taco Bell and order a large Nachos Bel Grande. Its that sad, insecure, ignorant place in my mind that wants comfort food. My body is probably thanking me through the soreness in my legs. Well, maybe its not thanking me yet, but it will. My point is, the only motivation I have right now is self loathing. I don't WANT to go to the gym. I don't WANT to live on rabbit food. I don't WANT to get up at 5 AM every weekday. HOWEVER, I need to work my body more. I NEED to beat PCOS if I'm going to have children. I NEED to not look like a white whale in a wedding dress. Last but definitely not least, I NEED to set an example for my future step-daughter because no one else does, and I NEED to not have the health problems that my parents have at their age.

The biggest problem with this whole exercising/clean eating thing is that it's 99% mental and 1% actually doing it. I hate the mental game of telling myself "NO, that homemade apple pie is going to straight to my gut, and I don't NEED it. YES, I do NEED to work out." I need to be a healthier person on the inside and out for my hubby-to-be and his daughter.

Sometimes I get mad at him because he will come over in the morning and bring me breakfast, and its either blueberry donuts or a Hardee's sandwich even though I had told him I am trying to eat healthy. So I would give in, eat the crap he bought me, throw my whole day down the drain and hate myself later. I'm spending less time with him, and it makes me afraid that it will take a toll on our relationship. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to maintain while I'm around him and he makes unhealthy choices. I can't even believe how hard it is for all those moms and wives out there who fix one meal for themselves and another for their family, because they don't all want to eat the same things. I can usually do just fine on my own, but when I have someone else in the equation that is waving a greasy cheeseburger in front of my face, temptation is harder to resist.

Maybe tomorrow will be easier...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SALEX52
    I have tried other times, and what has made this one different (3 years now), is that it is my plan for the rest of my life. It's not about getting to an event, it's about how I will eat and exercise forever. Maybe that could help you as well.
    1598 days ago
    how can you shift the focus on the things you're giving up (unhealthy food, sedentary behavior, etc.) and focus instead on the things you gain by eating healthy, going to the gym, standing up for yourself, etc.? It's a heck of lot easier to do the things we want to do as opposed to the things we 'need' or feel like we 'should'. change your mind and the rest will be easier.
    1599 days ago
  • JUNEAU2010
    Take it a meal at a time. If you cannot resist that fast food he brings in the morning, eat it and let it be. Then, instead of writing off the whole day, continue on with your original plan - the fruit snack instead of a candy bar, the healthy lunch instead of the fast food one, lots of water and that healthy yummy dinner that you decided to make.

    Break it down into manageable chunks of time/tasks/choices. Don't defeat yourself by always focusing on all of the bigger pictures. They ARE important, but so, too, are the incremental steps, the choices that you make every day all day that get you to those larger goals.

    If cooking healthy seems defeating, make it a bonding time with your soon-to-be stepdaughter. Take her grocery shopping after you've together explored some recipes. Get her excited about "owning" some of her choices. The ripple effects will help her for her entire life.

    My first stepmother is one of my dearest friends. She had a profound and positive influence in my life that no one else gave me. You have that opportunity to be that for this young woman!

    Make her part of your support system and at the same time you'll be giving her the tools she needs in her own life. Are you making or buying your dress or other things associated with your wedding? Involve her in choosing prints, patterns or whatever.

    Set up short-term team challenges you can do together that might be couched in terms that she is helping you do this: Lose 2 lbs in November (recognizing that the biggest food day of the year is in November) and count exercises or minutes if
    it's a short term competition between you (and, of course, the prize will not be an edible one - it might be a new nail polish, a new CD or whatever gets her young heart pounding with anticipation!)

    emoticon on your upcoming wedding and best wishes for the time in between now and that joyful day!

    emoticon emoticon
    1599 days ago
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