Wednesday, October 30, 2013
I've done the workout/clean eating/diet/exercise thing before and it hasn't been such a bad deal. In 2012, I lost between 30-40 lbs. It was great, I did two Warrior Dashes and told myself I was going to do a Tough Mudder. Well, it is nearing the end of 2013, and not only did I put the weight back on that I lost, but I added another 35 lbs on top of it. Its embarrassing but I did it.
Well, I have committed to do a Tough Mudder in 6 months in Chicago with some friends and family, and I started training today. No more unhealthy food, no more lazy days. But for some reason, today has just been really hard mentally. I never remember it being this hard in the past to eat healthy and workout. At 5:00 AM this morning, it took every ounce of self-loathing I had to pull myself out of bed, grab a protein bar, and go to the gym. Self-loathing? I don't remember needing self-loathing to motivate me before... Anyway, got in a morning run (more of a walk/jog slower than molasses in January) but I did it. Almost threw up at the end. Not a pretty sight.
Breakfast was a frozen fruit/yogurt smoothie, and by lunch, my body was like "Let's go eat a pizza!" OMG Pizza sounds so good. Or Peanut Butter. Or a giant bacon BBQ burger from Fat Edd's. I went to the grocery store, bought a Smart Ones, went home and nuked it, and it was actually pretty good. Then I took my dog on a walk before I had to go back to work. I hated myself and this "diet" every second so far today.
I know that it's not my body telling me to go to Taco Bell and order a large Nachos Bel Grande. Its that sad, insecure, ignorant place in my mind that wants comfort food. My body is probably thanking me through the soreness in my legs. Well, maybe its not thanking me yet, but it will. My point is, the only motivation I have right now is self loathing. I don't WANT to go to the gym. I don't WANT to live on rabbit food. I don't WANT to get up at 5 AM every weekday. HOWEVER, I need to work my body more. I NEED to beat PCOS if I'm going to have children. I NEED to not look like a white whale in a wedding dress. Last but definitely not least, I NEED to set an example for my future step-daughter because no one else does, and I NEED to not have the health problems that my parents have at their age.
The biggest problem with this whole exercising/clean eating thing is that it's 99% mental and 1% actually doing it. I hate the mental game of telling myself "NO, that homemade apple pie is going to straight to my gut, and I don't NEED it. YES, I do NEED to work out." I need to be a healthier person on the inside and out for my hubby-to-be and his daughter.
Sometimes I get mad at him because he will come over in the morning and bring me breakfast, and its either blueberry donuts or a Hardee's sandwich even though I had told him I am trying to eat healthy. So I would give in, eat the crap he bought me, throw my whole day down the drain and hate myself later. I'm spending less time with him, and it makes me afraid that it will take a toll on our relationship. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to maintain while I'm around him and he makes unhealthy choices. I can't even believe how hard it is for all those moms and wives out there who fix one meal for themselves and another for their family, because they don't all want to eat the same things. I can usually do just fine on my own, but when I have someone else in the equation that is waving a greasy cheeseburger in front of my face, temptation is harder to resist.
Maybe tomorrow will be easier...