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    RUSSELL_40   101,820
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" It happened again "

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Famous line from The Hangover, and how I feel this morning.

Yesterday I mentioned losing too fast, and over the past 20 days, I lost 21 lbs. I had gained back .4 already to 199.6, but I just did not feel right yesterday. I was really tired, and then I ate my lunch of chicken, peas, tomatoes, and olive oil. I also felt like the meals were tiny, even though I have increased the size, up to almost 2000 calories. Still, it doesn't look like much. Maybe I need smaller bowls. Anyways, while I didn't feel hungry, I was just thinking about food a lot yesterday afternoon.

I had to go get some chicken yesterday, and needed toilet paper from the regular grocery store, so i needed to go there too. My brother decided not to eat the lunch I made him, but bought 3 steaks for dinner, and got a package of bologna, and honey wheat bread. He decided on getting a Faygo pop at the checkout. At that point, I gave in, and got a pop also. I told myself I would just have a heel of the bread, and 2 slices of bologna, and the pop, and eat my brother's lunch for dinner. To be honest, I have done this before, and shrugged it off, and still lost weight the next day. I told myself I could just limit it to one meal, and get right back on track.

So I ate it.. This was an extra 250 calories, and 15 g of carbs, 340 mg Na .. not too bad, still under 60 grams, right?

and watched some T.V. this was at 5 p.m., and then I played some Sporcle till 8:30, so that I could let Biggest Loser get ahead, so that I could watch it without commercials. At that point, the chicken, peas, and tomatoes didn't sound like enough, so I decided to see what i could add. This is the point, where I told myself" I'll start fresh tomorrow, I hit Onederland, one cheat day won't hurt! " I found a box of pasta way at the top of my pantry, with about 3 servings of pasta in it. It had dust on it, but it WAS closed, and it sounded good, so I cooked it up, and added the lunch I had cooked earlier.. this was now another 600 calories, and 123 grams of carbs. I knew at this point that it was bad, and told myself " I'll just eat this, and watch Biggest Loser, and they will motivate me for my fresh start tomorrow! ". This is the last meal of the day, and sanity will prevail overnight.

So I watched Biggest Loser, and it was too short, and the people cried a lot, and I FF'ed through much of it, to get to the weigh-in. They did NOT lose that much weight! Not gonna motivate me much. Geez! Don't these people understand that their job is to make me feel excited about weight loss, so I can re-start tomorrow?

At this point I am grumpy/slightly pissed off at them. The last team is weighing in, and the last 2 people need to lose just 9 lbs. Just a 5 from Ruben Studdard, and 4 from the woman ( Tanya ), and she only lost 4 last week, so she should lose more this week, right? Ruben is 431 lbs, and loses just 3 lbs. I tell my brother, " Maybe he is just too big to move enough to burn the calories. " I figure his team will lose, and the trainer only has one save, so he won't use it. Ruben is going home.... and then Tanya puts up a zero. The lowest weight loss, on the lowest percentage weight loss team automatically goes home. I tell my brother " He won't waste the save on her!, She didn't work out hard, and he might need the save for later, when someone WORTHY needs to be saved ". Yeah, it sounds bad, writing it down too. My brother starts laughing, and says " You're an A**hole! ". I was at that point. Then he uses the only save to keep Tanya there. Only 1 person has gone home, and that was because Jillian used her save in week 1, so she did not have one. So 2 out of 3 bottom losers have been saved. I never even flinched when the first save was used, and I think it is mostly because I am mad at myself/grumpy from carbs. I lost it at that point, and was yelling at the T.V.

Looking at it this morning, how will a coach ever be able to look a person in the face, with a save available, and tell them. " NO! ". It just isn't going to happen. These people could die. Still, I am upset, by now at almost everything. So I figured I would have 2 more bologna sandwiches. These had 3 slices of bologna each... 820 calories, 58 grams of carbs, and 1,840 mg NA.

I flipped over to watch the Voice, and 2 hours later, I was starving, so at midnight, and luckily, I had plenty of bread left, since my brother just ate 2 sandwiches, and then steak and veggies for supper. He even had a pop, but no binge. Plus, their were just 4 slices of bologna left, with my amazing willpower, if I didn't finish the package, it would just rot, and I might just be saving my brother from eating it tomorrow, so I sacrificed, and ate two more sandwiches to get rid of the food.. another 640 calories, 56 grams of carbs, and 1,360 mg Na.

I didn't cheat anymore after that. Mostly because I was kind of hurting, and short of breath, and a little because I was too lazy to drive 3 minutes to the store to get more bad, and snacks. I did think about some chocolate, but laziness won.

I changed my tracker to reflect the extra peas and some extra chicken, since my lunch serving, was bigger than what I was going to have for dinner. This morning I am adding up the damage to see what I did. My nose is running, and I feel horrible. I had 3 servings of pasta ( estimated ), 9 slices of bread, and 12 slices of bologna, and lets not forget the Faygo pop .. 110 calories, 28 grams of carbs, and 30 mg Na.

Total it comes to an extra 2,420 calories, 280 grams of carbs, and 3,810 mg of Na.

This moves my totals for yesterday to 4,628 calories, 336 grams of carbs, and 4,882 mg of Na. This doesn't count that I salted my pasta, which was probably another 1000-2000 mg Na.

I didn't get to sleep till 3 a.m, and woke up with a stomach ache at 6:30. By 7:30, I decided on taking a walk, even though it was 32 degrees. I did a full hour, like that would burn off the calories. I came home, and had some eggs, and mushrooms. One of the eggs was missing, so I only had 5. I am still grumpy this morning. I haven't had any chest pain, or shortness of breath, which may just be that I did so well the past 20 days.

I weighed in at 206.2. Before my walk, and after breakfast, and my Lasix kicked in. Now, it is up to the Lasix to knock 4-5 lbs. off. The damage is done. I am having chicken and olive oil for lunch, and chili for dinner. I may just put all the beans in my brothers chili, but not sure if punishing myself will just make me more likely to cheat. I don't think beans are the problem, especially 1/4 can 2 X a week.

I had a problem with peas twice a day, and already cut down to 1/2 a can once a day, but I may just have to nix the peas, and add mushrooms to my breakfast to get a few more carbs, and stick to lower carb. The other problem, is that when I lose more than a lb a day, I tend to feel tired, and run down. Any correction though, seems to lead to a binge, like this.

I have no idea why I have this problem, and my brother just had one cheat meal, and moved on. I found myself trying to sneak sandwiches, so my 329 lb. brother wouldn't say anything. I felt guilty eating in front of him. This is a huge problem for me.

I don't feel ANY cravings today though. I am waiting for my brother to go to school, and have absolutely nothing to do today. I will read, and nap, and hope I lose 5 lbs. of water weight, and get back to Onederland by the weekend. The worst thing is, while I knew I was eating waaaay off plan, I was thinking it wasn't THAT bad, till I gained 7 lbs this morning. Then I started adding it up, and it is disgusting. Still, I was right.. I have done much worse before.

I guess, all I can do is get back on track, and try to make the loss phases, bigger than the gains. This is not good for my heart though, and I know it, but feel helpless to stop it from happening. I am not even sure of the trigger, which is the worst part. I can't find balance, just keep losing a lb a day, and then cheating. Of course, I could still be 361, but that doesn't make me feel any better today. I am still grumpy, which is obviously from the carbs, and my personal failure.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Hope you all enjoy today.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALLMECARRIE 11/5/2013 10:51AM

    When I read this I'm happy I'm not the only one who falls off the wagon in a big way. I understand the hunger, the greedy "what the hell" feeling and the ensuing depression. All I can say is, look at the big picture and you're still winning this war. Hang in there. I appreciate you putting this out here for the world to see, it must be tough.

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HOUNDLOVER1 10/31/2013 2:24PM

    Russell,
I hope you are feeling better today. Remember, 3500 calories equal one pound so you could not have gained that much.
Birgit

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KANOE10 10/31/2013 9:31AM

    I hope you are feeling better today. You are wise to get exercising and working out. Those up pounds will go down in no time! Be compassionate with yourself. Everyone here has taken detours on their way to health. Today is a new day.

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EXOTEC 10/30/2013 10:29PM

    Oh Russell! I'm so sorry about your binge day! Breads of any sort do exactly the same thing to me -- I never get full, I have intense cravings for more, and it makes me grouchy and disgusted with myself. In my case, I can end up feeling almost helpless, which is a condition I absolutely LOATHE.

I had a really bad day today, too. I have an autoimmune condition which keeps me fatigued and achey. Any sort of outing wears me out just thinking about it - much less accomplishing it. But I push it, anyway. Today it was a simple trip of 10 miles to go get my lovely backyard-raised eggs.

But nothing is ever "simple" for me.
The first challenge is just to get up and dressed.
Then to get to the car. No problem so long as I'm in my powerchair. But I can't drive in a powerchair. I have to get up from there and hobble my incredibly slow way about 50 feet with a walker. This takes about 10 minutes, believe it or not.
So I get to the car. I have to use a foot lifter to get my left foot inside, because I can't lift that knee at all.
Okay. In the car. Turn the key. Click-click-click. This is beyond annoying. We had this trouble the end of last week. DH polished the battery terminals and declared it "fine." Well, it's clearly NOT "fine."

I wasn't about to hobble back into the apartment at this point. So I called AAA. It only took them about 45 minutes. Not too bad, really. And the fellow who came had a bunch of batteries in his truck! yay! I didn't really want to do that... DH likes to get all our tires and batteries at Sears, because of the warranty or whatever. But I was mostly fed up by then, and was willing to just bite that particular bullet. Alas, he didn't have the proper battery for my car. Probably just as well.

On to Sears. Bless them - when I illustrated my mobility handicap (the walker was right in the passenger footwell) they took pity and didn't make me get out. They took me right in, despite every service bay being full. I was only there *maybe* 15 minutes, including the tech running back and forth bringing papers and running my card. That was pretty painless.

Now, since I'm in "car mode," I decided it needed a wash, so I took it through the automatic wash on my way out to the egg man. And that was right next to the oil change place... which has its weekly special on Wednesdays. What could I do. Well, I went in, is what I did. They were very quick, too.

Unfortunately... right next door to the oil place is a new Chinese restaurant. I was ravenous by that time. I jokingly quipped to the service tech that it seemed to be about lunchtime, and did anybody know about the new place next door. The fellow in the next bay said no, but it had been busy. I gave him my plaintive look. I said I sure would like to try it, but I can't get inside. Don't suppose anyone else is due for a lunch break? This worked, amazingly enough. I got the manager to walk next door and get me my lunch and a menu, and I bought him lunch for his bother. Hey! that's a deal to me. I wasn't even especially "bad" on the lunch. Chicken cashew. Of course, they feed you enough for a family of 6. And they pack the rice in the little container with a jackhammer, I think. But I probably only ate about 2/3 - 1 cup of the entree, and 3 spoonsfuls of rice. Then... the bad part... were the 4 veggie spring rolls. Delicious, but bad! shame shame on me!
Oh, get over it.

So I went to get my eggs. My 3 dozen eggs! mmmm I'm a regular with this guy, so he brings them to our meet point, and delivers them into my car with a smirk - be careful of the loose egg on top. Huh? So I had to look. It's so cute! He just recently got some replacement hens, and I guess they must be just starting to lay. He said one of them laid this little gem right on his pathway. Smaller than a grocery small... a bit larger than a quail egg. awwwwww
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Adorable. So I got 3-dozen-plus-one. Or, sort of one.

By this time, I'm so exhausted I can barely track thoughts. But I'm the volunteer Hallowe'en candy-giver for our building, and I have no goodie bags. We need a couple things at the grocery. I'm already tired, what's one more tiring thing. Off to the grocery.

Luckily, they more or less know me there, and will bring out one of their electric shopping carts. If I wait long enough for someone to be collecting carts in the parking lot.

I won't go into gory details... but you mentioned Lasix™... and I'm on the generic form of it, twice a day. I left home around 10 AM. It's after 1 PM now. I won't describe further how that worked out, other than to say I'm glad (?) I wear disposable underwear. TMI, sorry.

The store didn't have any goodie bags. I had to get cheapie sandwich bags. Like the kids are going to even notice.
But I've had *RICE* for lunch. The carb monster is alive and growling.
So... they had applesauce on sale. Applesauce is good for you, right? Two-for-one. Then... some evil genius has come out with mini Moonpies. DH loves Moonpies. And they're minis! We can split one. uh-huh
But then there were the bakery cookies on sale... and only one package left on the counter! oh no!
Okay, stop it. I went back to the meat counter for some fresh turkey. That makes the bad stuff better, right? I bought turkey parts. And a frozen turkey breast! geez.... I hope it's not full of hormones and GMOs. Well. I have to offset the carb nasties somehow.
I'm really not thinking clearly by this time -- I'm starting to retrace my steps with my list. I already have that -?!?- So I had to give it up. Probably a lucky thing.

When I get home, the maintenance guy's wagon is parked across my handicap-accessible space. Figures. Well. I'll just have to wait. Hopefully the turkey won't defrost. No, wait. I *want* it to defrost. Nevermind. I'll just wait. Serendipitously, a friendly neighbor noticed my plight and got in the cart and moved it so I could park.

Then it was just the reverse of the morning routine... lift the foot out. Hobble back to the apartment with the walker. Aim for the powerchair. What a relief. Back to the bathroom.
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A dozen trips to and from the car in the powerchair unloading, then putting away (with the requisite rearranging of the refrigerator).
Oh no. I forgot the laundry. Take the laundry out (try folding laundry into a basket balanced against the wall in a powerchair).
I'm so overexhausted by this time I don't care if there's a dinner or not. Just give me my PowerAde and my bucketload of afternoon meds (late)... with YET MORE dang furosemide. Well. At least I'm still here to take it. Qwitcherbitchin.

And then, DH arrives in a state of happy excitement for me to see what leftovers he's brought me from lunch! yay! Okay. I don't have to cook. He warms up said leftovers... Spanish rice. Great. Yes. I do love rice. I know it's off my plan. I only allow myself a quarter-cup or so every few weeks, or months. I don't care. Where's the butter. Give me a spoon.

So Russell... I can relate and commiserate with you about your bad food day. I had a bad food (and other) day myself.

Hopefully we'll both be chagrined and determined enough to throw out the anchor and do better tomorrow. It will take me a couple days to get over it. But I *will* get over it. Back on track, I swear.

Good luck to you, too.
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WOUBBIE 10/30/2013 8:19PM

    Russell, you need to be shipped to Montreal for a dose of SUZANNEYEA bootcamp. She'll put your a$$ on an all grass-fed beef + water regimen for the rest of your life.

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ERIN1957 10/30/2013 2:40PM

    Russell,
You and I are much in the same race, not to far from the finish line.
You and I are much in the same place, dealing with getting past a certain point.
I have never crossed my hurdle, without snagging my toe and falling. I have gotten up time and time again, just to fall over and over, each time.
And here I am.
No excuses, no more!
I have to figure out why.
The why is what I need to work on, before I will ever be successful and get beyond this point.
Why? Bad choices yes, but that is the act, that is not the reason.
I have done the same thing, and I so agree with the theory of the darn wheat. It is like a drug to me and sugar as well. I become this person I do not like or want to be around. It is as if I feel I do not deserve this.
Or that, what the he!! might as well.
Then I play the self defeating game in my brain, saying/thinking; oh it isn't that bad, oh what the heck I will get it off this week end or next week.
Then the cycle starts again. Until I stop myself and figure out why.
Why do I do this?
I am a strong person.
I am a smart person and I know how.
I can do this and have done this.
Yes, I am lining up for a new race again. The hurdles are there, I just have to identify each of them ahead of time, before I start this race, before I take off again and fall.
What do I have to do to finish this race?
What am I not dealing with?
What is eating me?
Why am I allowing myself to defeat myself?
Why do I make excuses to justify my behaviors that I know are wrong.
I know this if I do not know another thing; my health can not take another up and down race.
I will not survive.
I best be finding out what I am doing wrong and work through it.
Setting myself up for victory and yes life!
We are here for you.
Let us know what we can do for you.
We are here for you.
~Erin

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AKHEIDI 10/30/2013 1:42PM

    For your punishment I direct you to take another walk. Walk to the store and buy a LC snacks to curb the binging and try the greens. You can cook them in a little bit of bacon grease with a teaspoon of diced onion and a splash of vinegar instead of peas. There are brands of chili out there that don't have beans in them.

Now, quit beating yourself up and move on. There is not a one of us that hasn't slipped so no one thinks any worse of you- we're all here for you Russell!

How many weeks until your birthday?

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HOUNDLOVER1 10/30/2013 1:31PM

    emoticon Russell, after I commented I could not get some of the things you said out of my head as I went for a walk. Everything you describe (how you felt and acted) made me think of the last times when my brain was on wheat. It's distinctly different from the highs that my sugar addiction would provide for me, in fact it made me feel miserable and craving huge amounts of food but without any high. I even remember the same situation of watching Biggest Loser, starting out by exercising during the breaks, hoping for lots of inspiration, then allowing myself a small sweet treat (probably triggered by the ads for crappy food), then getting really hungry for bread/pastries... at the end of the night I felt I needed to be on Biggest Loser.
For me it was always a one-two punch of having some sugar, then getting cravings for wheat, then my mood went in the toilet, affecting not only me but also my family.
Don't know if this makes sense or applies to you at all but wanted to share just in case your hangover was wheat-related like mine.
I hope you'll have a great day today. emoticon
Go for a nice walk,
Smell the flowers emoticon emoticon
Listen to the wind moving the fall leaves emoticon
and know that you have come a long, long way with just a little further to go to goal.
Treat yourself well today. emoticon
Birgit

Comment edited on: 10/30/2013 1:36:13 PM

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NAYPOOIE 10/30/2013 12:29PM

    Russell, I wish I could offer you some wisdom, but I got nuthin'. emoticon

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HOUNDLOVER1 10/30/2013 12:27PM

    Russell,
most of us has done this or worse. Eating carbs will screw up you mind, whether through carb creep or one good serving. Sounds like it was the soda that got you off track. I think of grains and sugar and beans as poison, not just as high-carb foods.
You know what to do to clean out the garbage. It's ok. emoticon
I haven't had peas in quite a while, but always thought of them as a higher-carb vegetable. Could you substitute them with some frozen leafy greens like spinach, kale, collard greens or something like that? If you are not used to the taste of these cook them in fat of your choosing and add some garlic to cover the taste until you are used to them.
Emotional eating is sometimes best addressed in stages. Avoiding the triggers helps. Sometimes journaling (like you are doing on your blog) will help find out what they are.
Also, it can be hard to eat on plan if your brother brings tempting foods. Maybe you can find ways of keeping your foods in different places to avoid tempting each other?

Comment edited on: 10/30/2013 12:31:32 PM

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KICK-SS 10/30/2013 11:51AM

    Do you suppose maybe there is something psychological here?? Some sort of a mental thing about getting down into Onderland?? You've been so close, but something seems to keep getting your way... Maybe these binges you have are a rebellion type thing for whatever reason.. (I'm just guessing)..

You're doing absolutely fantastic though and all of your walking, basketball and other exercising that you're doing...

By the way, I didn't think BL was all that good last night either. Last seasons, I thought the two hours was too long and drawn out, but this season, seems like the one hour is nothing more than a re-cap of the prior week, a challenge maybe, a trek in the gym and then the weigh ins... Actually, not sure I will continue to watch the program if they don't kick it up...

Keep trying Russell, you'll get to where you want to be... We're all behind you..

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