Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Famous line from The Hangover, and how I feel this morning.
Yesterday I mentioned losing too fast, and over the past 20 days, I lost 21 lbs. I had gained back .4 already to 199.6, but I just did not feel right yesterday. I was really tired, and then I ate my lunch of chicken, peas, tomatoes, and olive oil. I also felt like the meals were tiny, even though I have increased the size, up to almost 2000 calories. Still, it doesn't look like much. Maybe I need smaller bowls. Anyways, while I didn't feel hungry, I was just thinking about food a lot yesterday afternoon.
I had to go get some chicken yesterday, and needed toilet paper from the regular grocery store, so i needed to go there too. My brother decided not to eat the lunch I made him, but bought 3 steaks for dinner, and got a package of bologna, and honey wheat bread. He decided on getting a Faygo pop at the checkout. At that point, I gave in, and got a pop also. I told myself I would just have a heel of the bread, and 2 slices of bologna, and the pop, and eat my brother's lunch for dinner. To be honest, I have done this before, and shrugged it off, and still lost weight the next day. I told myself I could just limit it to one meal, and get right back on track.
So I ate it.. This was an extra 250 calories, and 15 g of carbs, 340 mg Na .. not too bad, still under 60 grams, right?
and watched some T.V. this was at 5 p.m., and then I played some Sporcle till 8:30, so that I could let Biggest Loser get ahead, so that I could watch it without commercials. At that point, the chicken, peas, and tomatoes didn't sound like enough, so I decided to see what i could add. This is the point, where I told myself" I'll start fresh tomorrow, I hit Onederland, one cheat day won't hurt! " I found a box of pasta way at the top of my pantry, with about 3 servings of pasta in it. It had dust on it, but it WAS closed, and it sounded good, so I cooked it up, and added the lunch I had cooked earlier.. this was now another 600 calories, and 123 grams of carbs. I knew at this point that it was bad, and told myself " I'll just eat this, and watch Biggest Loser, and they will motivate me for my fresh start tomorrow! ". This is the last meal of the day, and sanity will prevail overnight.
So I watched Biggest Loser, and it was too short, and the people cried a lot, and I FF'ed through much of it, to get to the weigh-in. They did NOT lose that much weight! Not gonna motivate me much. Geez! Don't these people understand that their job is to make me feel excited about weight loss, so I can re-start tomorrow?
At this point I am grumpy/slightly pissed off at them. The last team is weighing in, and the last 2 people need to lose just 9 lbs. Just a 5 from Ruben Studdard, and 4 from the woman ( Tanya ), and she only lost 4 last week, so she should lose more this week, right? Ruben is 431 lbs, and loses just 3 lbs. I tell my brother, " Maybe he is just too big to move enough to burn the calories. " I figure his team will lose, and the trainer only has one save, so he won't use it. Ruben is going home.... and then Tanya puts up a zero. The lowest weight loss, on the lowest percentage weight loss team automatically goes home. I tell my brother " He won't waste the save on her!, She didn't work out hard, and he might need the save for later, when someone WORTHY needs to be saved ". Yeah, it sounds bad, writing it down too. My brother starts laughing, and says " You're an A**hole! ". I was at that point. Then he uses the only save to keep Tanya there. Only 1 person has gone home, and that was because Jillian used her save in week 1, so she did not have one. So 2 out of 3 bottom losers have been saved. I never even flinched when the first save was used, and I think it is mostly because I am mad at myself/grumpy from carbs. I lost it at that point, and was yelling at the T.V.
Looking at it this morning, how will a coach ever be able to look a person in the face, with a save available, and tell them. " NO! ". It just isn't going to happen. These people could die. Still, I am upset, by now at almost everything. So I figured I would have 2 more bologna sandwiches. These had 3 slices of bologna each... 820 calories, 58 grams of carbs, and 1,840 mg NA.
I flipped over to watch the Voice, and 2 hours later, I was starving, so at midnight, and luckily, I had plenty of bread left, since my brother just ate 2 sandwiches, and then steak and veggies for supper. He even had a pop, but no binge. Plus, their were just 4 slices of bologna left, with my amazing willpower, if I didn't finish the package, it would just rot, and I might just be saving my brother from eating it tomorrow, so I sacrificed, and ate two more sandwiches to get rid of the food.. another 640 calories, 56 grams of carbs, and 1,360 mg Na.
I didn't cheat anymore after that. Mostly because I was kind of hurting, and short of breath, and a little because I was too lazy to drive 3 minutes to the store to get more bad, and snacks. I did think about some chocolate, but laziness won.
I changed my tracker to reflect the extra peas and some extra chicken, since my lunch serving, was bigger than what I was going to have for dinner. This morning I am adding up the damage to see what I did. My nose is running, and I feel horrible. I had 3 servings of pasta ( estimated ), 9 slices of bread, and 12 slices of bologna, and lets not forget the Faygo pop .. 110 calories, 28 grams of carbs, and 30 mg Na.
Total it comes to an extra 2,420 calories, 280 grams of carbs, and 3,810 mg of Na.
This moves my totals for yesterday to 4,628 calories, 336 grams of carbs, and 4,882 mg of Na. This doesn't count that I salted my pasta, which was probably another 1000-2000 mg Na.
I didn't get to sleep till 3 a.m, and woke up with a stomach ache at 6:30. By 7:30, I decided on taking a walk, even though it was 32 degrees. I did a full hour, like that would burn off the calories. I came home, and had some eggs, and mushrooms. One of the eggs was missing, so I only had 5. I am still grumpy this morning. I haven't had any chest pain, or shortness of breath, which may just be that I did so well the past 20 days.
I weighed in at 206.2. Before my walk, and after breakfast, and my Lasix kicked in. Now, it is up to the Lasix to knock 4-5 lbs. off. The damage is done. I am having chicken and olive oil for lunch, and chili for dinner. I may just put all the beans in my brothers chili, but not sure if punishing myself will just make me more likely to cheat. I don't think beans are the problem, especially 1/4 can 2 X a week.
I had a problem with peas twice a day, and already cut down to 1/2 a can once a day, but I may just have to nix the peas, and add mushrooms to my breakfast to get a few more carbs, and stick to lower carb. The other problem, is that when I lose more than a lb a day, I tend to feel tired, and run down. Any correction though, seems to lead to a binge, like this.
I have no idea why I have this problem, and my brother just had one cheat meal, and moved on. I found myself trying to sneak sandwiches, so my 329 lb. brother wouldn't say anything. I felt guilty eating in front of him. This is a huge problem for me.
I don't feel ANY cravings today though. I am waiting for my brother to go to school, and have absolutely nothing to do today. I will read, and nap, and hope I lose 5 lbs. of water weight, and get back to Onederland by the weekend. The worst thing is, while I knew I was eating waaaay off plan, I was thinking it wasn't THAT bad, till I gained 7 lbs this morning. Then I started adding it up, and it is disgusting. Still, I was right.. I have done much worse before.
I guess, all I can do is get back on track, and try to make the loss phases, bigger than the gains. This is not good for my heart though, and I know it, but feel helpless to stop it from happening. I am not even sure of the trigger, which is the worst part. I can't find balance, just keep losing a lb a day, and then cheating. Of course, I could still be 361, but that doesn't make me feel any better today. I am still grumpy, which is obviously from the carbs, and my personal failure.
Tomorrow will be a better day. Hope you all enjoy today.