About two years ago I had a bad fall, ended up having to have major reconstructive surgery on my foot and I broke a number of lower front teeth. I was in a wheelchair for about 4 months, a knee scooter for about three and a cane. I am now at about 80% able to walk. I had a hysterectomy the year before that.
A few years before that I ended a very traumatic and abusive relationship, had my life threatened, a bad cancer scare that ended in surgery, lost my job, my house and got in a car wreck and lost my car. I became seriously depressed and have been on a multitude of medications for about eight years for depression.
I also suffer from a chronic nerve pain condition called meralgia paresthetica in both legs along with some other chronic back pain.
Needless to say, the psychotropic medications on top of the surgeries and daily use of pain killers combined with not being able to walk caused a huge weight gain along with a complete withdrawal from the world.
I have fought hard to get my life back, to find hope. I am winning the fight. I am doing my art again, making some friends, getting out in the world and most importantly I am losing weight. I have lost 12 lbs now and have changed my habits considerably.
Back to the fall I had – broken teeth combined with years of medication that create dry mouth that promotes decay has wreaked havoc on my dental situation. I have lost teeth and we have fought hard to keep the two anchor teeth that my “partial” hooks onto.
About a month and a half ago I got a serious gum infection around one of those two lower teeth. It weakened the tooth and damaged the bone. I am now on a long term soft food diet which has been no fun.
Yesterday I just found out that they cannot save that tooth. The result of that is a double extraction of the damaged tooth and my last good lower tooth and a full denture.
Back to the depression – When I first bashed my teeth in from that fall it amplified fears I had about going out at all. The depression and weight gain made me feel like a failure when I would see people I knew in this small town. When my smile broke I did not want to be seen and closed up more and more. Finally I get a partial and at the same time I was starting to be able to walk again. My world started opening up.
I’ve been doing pretty good since then until now. Growing, entering into life gain. Making my art, going to school.
When I have the extraction in a month from now, it will be six weeks at least before they can take the impressions for the denture. Then about six weeks for delivery and fitting of the denture. That is four months at least with no bottom teeth… I am afraid of the surgical extractions and I am afraid of not having any lower teeth. I am only 49 and will have a full lower denture. And I am fat. The truth sometimes is so hard. (and our refrigerator is dying).
I am trying to keep my head above water here. I am trying to keep a positive outlook. At least I am able to get dentures. I am not in a wheelchair anymore. I have good days and today might just be a bad day.
I want to eat chocolate. I want to throw my diet out the window. I know when I have the extractions I will want to eat ice creme. I am just so tired. I don’t want to withdraw again, I am scared of getting depressed again and I just started coming back to life.
Good news is today, at this moment I am doing well. At this very moment everything is ok. That is where I need to stay, in the moment. I am pulling myself together but I feel that old desire to just withdrawal.
So I write on this little blog so I don’t feel so alone and so I feel a part of something. I enter my food and track my intake and I let spark support me where I need some additional support right now. Spark is good for that. I’ll be ok.