Saturday, October 26, 2013
What a week.
I mean, it wasn't particularly stressful, per se. Just the usual assortment of demanding brats and their children, the usual melee of bills and confusing government paperwork, and trying to find a work-life balance. For some reason, though, I've been increasingly, well, noshy. No, that's not a word. I made that up. Noshy is when you graze like certain grass-fed free range ruminants, only instead of four stomachs to break everything down, you only have one, but you end up eating enough for four if you're not careful. This week, I've been staving off the desire to just eat for no apparent reason.
The binge monster has become more subtle in its old age. Back in the day, everyday stress was all it took to send me to the store for a package of cream filled pancreas destruction. Now that I'm older and apparently wiser, I can recognize the signs and ward off these binges, for the most part. Therefore, the binge monster has to try harder.
I'm just feeling worn down, and it is the season when everybody gets sick, and nobody has the sense to STAY HOME when they are. It is unbelievable. It's also been kind of damp around here, so I'm not sure if it's allergies to dwindling ragweed and increasing mold spores or whatever plague happens to be floating around Texas and Oklahoma. This worn down feeling makes it harder to fight off the binge monster. Yesterday when I was on the road, I was not successful. The day before, I went over as well by 150 calories, which may not seem like much, but 150 here and 150 there eventually add up to poundage.
Where is this train of thought going before it derails, I hear you ask. Well, I'll tell you. I was traipsing through the interweb, which as you know is a very dangerous place, and I stumbled upon a blog about yoga pose modification for plus sized people. I was comforted to know that I didn't need most of the modifications, but it was a bit jarring to see someone so large doing yoga at all. I was floored by this feeling, because I rant all the time about how there aren't any role models in fitness that are my size and make it into stock photos. (Ahem, Sparkpeople. I'm talking to you.) Here I was feeling shocked by a woman who was bigger than me having the bravery to post video on Youtube of herself exercising, and I would never ever in a trillion years do such a thing. I didn't read the comments because I can't hunt the haters down and shove a piccolo up their nose, but I can imagine. Anyway, she had written a blog about how she had given up on dieting and was instead eating cleaner and just focusing on being happy at her size and all that other stuff that we're trying to do here on SP, but with the exception that she did not measure or track and instead just let things be and self-regulate.
It was a seductive message, and I did give it some thought, but after due pondering, I had to shake my head. It sounded to me like deep down, she had given up, and she was okay with that. I'm NOT okay with that. I HAVEN'T given up. I WANT to lose weight. I mean, yeah, tracking every single morsel and crumb that goes into my mouth and constantly being vigilant and mindful is a BIG EFFING DRAG, but you know what? So's being dead at 40. That sweet siren song of "let it be" has been hanging in my mind all week, and it's been a tough fight. That "just give in. You'll eat healthy! You'll see!" message whispering in my ear is tough to hear when I'm tired but still fighting. It amazes me how my subconscious will try to justify things, and how it has come to me just saying NO instead of trying to argue back or reason with it. I'm talking about saying NO as in "because I'm your mother and I say so" NO. I'm talking about NO as in the NO my grandma used to give us when we were playing in the parlor, roughhousing on the furniture, and were about thirty seconds away from being flayed by a yard stick. Yes, this is the kind of NO that even outranks a drill sergeant. Y'all know what I'm talking about. And it is working. It's hard, but it is working. And I'm just so tired.
But I will press on, because I have fought long enough to know that the only way to win a siege is to outlast. And so I shall. Somehow. And so shall you.